Going Crazy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2011
Going Crazy...
14
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 11:11am

I have been married with my second huusband for about two years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 11:47am

Hi;

wow; I would be going crazy also..and to me it isnt right that your hubby is communicating with her because he is married to you.. He shouldnt have any dealings with her privately.. He seems to be hiding his communicating with her and not involving you in on it. If its about the son then it should go through the courts and that is it.. If she is married she should leave your husband alone.. I dont care what anyone says you guys are married to other people so leave other married people alone. End of story!!!!!!!!!!!! By the way who uses love in a conversation to any woman when they

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 04-09-2011 - 12:42pm

I meant no contact with the woman but if they have a child together and your hubby wants to see the child and he has to pay support then I believe arrangements have to be made for that.

It doesnt

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sun, 04-10-2011 - 9:53am
(((((((((((((((((((((nurseA)))))))))))))))
quote:
.....I think he is still attracted to her and is settling for me.

Ugh....that was my though as well.

Does the woman's husband know your DH is son's father, and his wife is still in frequent contact with your DH?

YES....a counselor to help you would be highly recommended.....

I agree with other poster re: dont let this fester............and re: "take a stand" on this:

1. you will support him in relationship with his son---but he needs to file for paternity/visitation/CS etc.

2. Simply talking with this woman re: the son is NOT developing a father/son relationship.....esp since woman wont let him even visit son? !!

Your DH is making himself miserable by keeping in touch with this woman---you're making yourself miserable by reading about it all on texts........................

YES----, IMO this all needs to get out into the open and dealt with -----------

(((((((((((((((((((((more hugs!!))))))))))))))))
to you!

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this all................but it needs to be resolved..:

you deserve better than to live in a relationship feeling like:

."....I think he is still attracted to her and is settling for me. "

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 04-11-2011 - 1:18pm

Sigh...

I would agree that something is not adding up here.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 9:51am
I'm gathering that because it's your second marriage you're a bit older (I'm in my mid-40s). At our age, we all of have exes and baggage and maybe some lingering feelings for those who came before. I think it is a bit unrealistic to expect him to be pristine. The deal with an ex to remember, though, is that if it was going to work, most often it would have worked. Your husband and his ex have a child together, which is even more connecting. If they were going to make it work, they would have and because they didn't then, it's unlikely they will now, having moved on and married other people. Don't you think? Well, unless you chase him into her arms by snooping and jealousy.

Which is the other thing. I don't know about this reading his texts and emails. I wouldn't read my BFs texts or emails or listen in on his calls to save my life! And it's weird because he even offered to give me his Facebook password and I refused. It's not that I want to hide my head in the sand. We're a new enough relationship, too, that I suspect there are things that linger legitimately. But rather it seems like it would invest our relationship with distrust at a fundamental level that could corrode the whole thing. I'd rather trust him and listen to him and watch for external signs and deal with them if they crop up. My marriage failed because I lost respect and this time, I need my BF to know that I respect him.

And then there's the whole child thing. I think there is some room for supporting his interest in his child. Although why he doesn't have a relationship with the child is a bit curious.

Anyway, I don't know that you should ask him to chose his child's mother (which, in sum, amounts to asking him to chose his child) or you. What I think you might consider doing is to stop snooping, encourage his interest in his child, talk to him about how you feel, and make up your mind to realize that he didn't settle for you, he picked you over her.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 10:01am

Hi;

Well? I do agree with some of what you say Itshightime but I do feel that your info. although very understanding we dont live in a perfect world..and people do crazy things and if her husband has nothing to hide he will hide nothing.

So lets just say if she needs to earn his trust because of what he has done then she needs him to be an open book about his whole life.. If he loves her and wants to stay with her then he will do this for keeping the marriage together.

So if his wife wants to see his texts; emails; phone calls; etc. etc. he as an upstanding honest great all around human being will show her that he has nothing to hide..

I also believe that there is no place in any relationship for three people especially if they are married to other people.

Only other thing Nurse could do is invite over for dinner this woman with her husband and have the four of them sort it all out. Now that would be in a nice idyllic world.. They could discuss all on their minds and even talk about the guys child.

I dont agree with the guy about his child. He should be seeing the child and paying support but going through legal channels.

It sounds like to me the guy likes to flirt and just have his ego boosted with this other woman he had a child with. If he needs that he should be getting it from his wife...

Amen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 1:40pm

Hi Free:

Well, I'm not really coming from the angle of believing that the world can be perfect. Nor am I saying that the husband has nothing to hide. And I am not saying she cannot ask for respect in her marriage.

I am resisting the snooping as going too far. It seems controlling. It seems to force an unwanted intimacy. And the negativity that it invests into a relationship can destroy the relationship, even if it were to turn out that he is just friends with his ex.

I have a BF but sometimes I think about my about an ex and I miss him. Suppose my ex & I exchanged texts. I don't see any value in my BF looking, without my permission, at the texts. I don't see the value in my BF prying into my private thoughts and finding that place that still cares for my ex. Yes, it would be a problem if I set up a meeting and went off and had sex with the ex. Yes, I will tell my BF if he asks about how I've been hurt before. I will expose myself to him voluntarily. But my BF shouldn't rip off the covers to see me naked. And I don't expect that of him, either. I think we should all be entitled to some privacy in our lives.

And also, I don't see the problem with men & women being friends with their exes. I have another ex who is a great friend of mine and I genuinely care for him as a friend. I am a great ally to any future GF (he's a quintessential bachelor at this point). So I could tell him I love him as a friend in one sentence and in the next sentence give him dating advice and hope that he finds someone long term. The two (caring for

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2011
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 11:42pm

I thank everyone for their input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 8:12am
re:
I want to trust but he makes it hard

I'm only reading your posts---but my feeling is that he honest with you --right now, anyhow---that they are just chatting back and forth, and, yes, the son is the "connection".....

However--I'm still not understanding the deal with the son and her husband and your husband------if her husband is "onboard" with her being so friendly with your DH---why is he not on board with DH being a part of son's life? ---I'm guessing her husband would prefer your DH to fade off into the sunset---especially if the "agreement" is that the woman and her husband are raising son as their own and your DH is not to be a part of son's life.......KWIM?
.............................so I stick with my thoughts that if DH is so concerned re: his son, ....he needs to file for paternity/pay CS/have visitation, etc.

The OTHER thing I think, that is one reason this thing is so troubling to you----and would be to me also-------is this:

Your DH apparently would like to be a part of his son's life. The ex-affair-woman/wife doesnt want him to be------------your DH is rolling over for her, and doing what SHE wants-----eg, keeping himself a "secret" from son, and not doing what HE (your DH) wants----file for paternity/visitation/etc.

He's also not doing what YOU want---keeping this out in the open and including you in his "part" of his son's life (see MIA posts for similar themes).........again, ....somehow, this ex-affair-woman's wishes trump all.........!!

HENCE:
There are alot of reasons this is a difficult situation for you.

I'm not understanding what you're saying here:
She does know if she wants my husband in her sons life.

(I think a word or letter was left out, that would put sense into this sentence?---or else I havent had enough am coffee yet....?? ??)


(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))!!

Keep us posted ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 8:38am
PS:
Your original post said that the woman was a Jehovah's witness, and doesnt want to be kicked out of her church...............---> so, are you saying that she and her DH are keeping the son's paternity a secret from their church? ...............

OK, I"m not Jehovah's witness, so I cant speak for that group, .....but dont they prefer one confess one's sins and atone for them-----rather than sin and hide it?---------------------I mean, if she's truly sorry, and willing to reconcile with her husband, and he is also.......isnt that the main point of the matter?

I think this is just a BAD situation all around, ....wherein your DH is essentially being asked to lie/cover up for this woman.......

My 2 cents:
If your DH *agreed* to essentially let the woman's H *adopt* son, and raise son as his/their own-------then he really needs to butt out
of his/their lives.......................................................especially since it's detrimental to his relationship with YOU.


How about seeing a counselor to help sort this out?

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