Growing pains in R with SO???

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Growing pains in R with SO???
8
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 6:43pm

Here I am on a Friday afternoon at work, and usually when I ponder these things as the board gets quiet for the weekend.

Serenity
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 12:23am

Common wisdom is for a couple who decide to marry and live together is for them to find “their” place rather than move into one or the other’s house for the very reason your SO has said, i.e. feeling like an outsider.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2008
Sat, 02-05-2011 - 10:46am

Hello,

From my personal experience and opinion,

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 02-07-2011 - 1:11pm
Hey Mark, thanks for responding.

Yea, if I ever find myself single again for whatever reason (breakup or death), chances are slim I would have another man live with me until my DD is out of the house. She was turning 6 when we met, and my other two were 17 and 20, so waiting 12 years was not even a consideration in my mind at the time.

As far as finances, I don't intentially hide things. We have different perspectives and our brains work differently around money. He says I keep my finances secret, but the last time I showed him the list of household bills, he gets overwhelmed. I am very visual, and he is not. He has a sixth sense how much money he has in the bank and can spend accordingly, and I do not.

I am honestly not really sure what he wants to know. Because when he does know, it just stresses him out. I really don't want to have to account to anyone for how I spend my money, as long as the household bills are paid. And I don't really care how he spends his money, as long as the bills are paid.

With that said, we are, for the first time ever, saving for a short weekend trip with the kids this summer. Our first joint financial goal. So that I am excited about.

And as far as the family dynamic. Even though he can't really articulate what is bothering him, I think he wants to be a part of, even though ultimately parenting decisions are up to me and my xH. I think he likes to know his thoughts and concerns matter.

Like I said in my original post, things are alot better since we talked, and he admitted part of this is his own shortcomings, however I always like to look at what my part is in everything.

Oh....he is self-employed, so hard to say who makes more or less. In other words the discrepancy is not huge either way. My pay is fairly consistent, and his is seasonal and varies greatly during the year. Everything is in my name, so he gives me money towards bills.

Lastly, after struggling financially after two divorces, it has taken me a long time for that "I am woman, here me roar" chip on my shoulder to wear down.

He could leave me tomorrow with no ties to me or the house. I could ask him to leave tomorrow and he would have no recourse. It is just a simple fact.

Which brings me back around to the Growing Pains concept. There is discomfort and pain before growth, and I feel like that is where we are at.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 02-07-2011 - 3:15pm

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 02-07-2011 - 5:02pm
Sounds like the advice I would have given someone else. Thank you so much!
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 8:38am

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Tue, 02-08-2011 - 10:02am

Serenity...look at this way, if there weren't 'growing pains' the R would be stagnant.

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 02-10-2011 - 11:45am
Thanks to all of you.

Pam, I also agree that being able to talk about it the definately the biggest part of this. If he had stormed in yelling and threatening, etc. That would have been different. He was just being honest how he felt at the moment in a calm matter. He was not proposing a break-up, only the possibility of not living together. Like you said, I do think it was sort of blip. :)

It is good that there is something to work on. Thanks again...
Serenity