The Hard Questions: Ch 1 Home

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
The Hard Questions: Ch 1 Home
22
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 7:39pm

Ok... we made it thru chapter one about Home. the where, when and what kind.


I'm sure the book starts off with the easy stuff first. We didn't have any disagreements. We agreed on the style and where we want to live, and had very similar ideas of what we are both lookinging for.... We both are not materialistic or extravagent. Both like our privacy. When it came to chores, we both agreed that he was more organized than me. Cooking.. again, he was better at it than me. I said, well, i can cook some things but i don't necessarily

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 8:12am

Ok, I have to admit I did kind of giggle about the paragraph about your former marriage and what you expect this time around.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 11:02am

"I have a good paying job with lots of potential for advancement or side opportunities. Sometimes, i just feel like since i'm a woman it doesn't count the same way a man's job counts. I guess I still feel bad about not being an enthusiastic cook and house cleaner." Loony, it's not 1950 any more--get w/ the program here. lol Actually in college I read a book by Betty Friedan, I think that showed that the 1950's housewife was basically a creation of WWII--while the men were at war, the women took over a lot of so-called "male" jobs, but then when the men were returning from the war, the women had to be convinced to give up those jobs to the men & return to homemaking as a full time profession--a lot of media propaganda.

It's not like I don't respect women who are homemakers, if that's what they want to do. But if a woman has a full time job, then the man should be expected to do his share of the cooking & household chores. It could be divided by chore, accd. to aptitude, or any way they want. But certainly, if I'm coming home from work tired, I'm not going to do all the things around the house too while the guy sits in his chair watching TV. 2nd exH was a much better cook than I am--when he was out of work for a long while due to an injury, he cooked dinner every night (which was a great treat for me), did the food shopping & laundry.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 1:50pm

I am so use to being by myself and fending for myself for meals that it is hard to get use to having someone cook for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 5:25pm

"When I was married, my stay-at-home wife would be offended that I would not be hungry and really did not want to eat her dinners or eat them at HER time to have them. I like the freedom of throwing together what I want, when I want rather than deal with someone who "serves" me"

Oh man, this is how DH is. He gets upset that I'm not hungry exactly when I get home, or that I want to sit down and relax for a minute prior to eating. Dinner is hot and he timed it perfectly. AUGH! So know that feeling.

Looney, glad to hear CH 1 went okay. A good question would ask if BF would feel resentful for having to cook everyday, or what can you do to balance that part out? Take care of weekend dinners (even if ti's fast/easy/going out)? etc. And always, be open to changes later on. I understand about working so many hours, but what if he gets a job that is as demanding etc, would you still expect him to cook every night?

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 5:54pm

thanks for your great questions.


but what if he gets a job that is as demanding etc, would you still expect him to cook every night?


The thing is *I* am not expecting him to cook. He is. I have lived my life as a single mother making meals on the run. leaving the time consuming meals

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 7:08pm

that is interesting about the 1950s. I didn't know that.....


I've always felt a little backwards about roles myself. Not completely but a few of my stengths are not traditional. And i just want to feel secure that the person i marry excepts me for who i am.


i will give praise to God. gotta give it to the one who deserves it.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 12:32pm

Right after my second D, I had

Serenity
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 1:56pm

My view in any relationships is not to have expectations from the other person.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 7:41pm

are my nerves about "bait and switch" considered an expectation? expecting a person to be who they say they are? expecting the truth? is that also

Avatar for iernie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Fri, 05-21-2010 - 8:56am
I think, initially, neither of us had expectations other than the practical stuff about blending the kids and all.
He gets a bit annoyed that I still operate under a view that even though we both work, I want to do a lot of the inside work. It's not that I don't trust that he can take out the trash or vacuum well. He's very capable. My "love language" is doing things for others, and I feel good when I cook and clean (plus I feel well-fed when I do the cooking, Lol!)
Money isn't an issue. We both have pretty much the same frugal principles and are working toward the same goals. We're both savers. My first marriage? Nope. I was the saver, he was the spender, and we clashed on that constantly.
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