The Hard Questions Ch 2 - Money

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
The Hard Questions Ch 2 - Money
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 7:18pm

Much harder chapter.

why is it hard to talk about money? My dear BF got defensive and angry... or rather simply stressed out on the first question. I felt calm and relaxed. I wasn't expecting him to have all the answer. I thought it was interesting to think about how much we make together. Or think about it in theory.. ya know... 30% going there, 10% there etc. Where as, he was obviously more uptight and stressed.

I understand. He isn't happy with his current employment. He was laid off from a good job a year ago. And is still anxious about getting a good job back etc. He is making decent money now but it isn't what he wants to do... As for me, I feel great about my employment and see a bright future. I've been in my field for a long time and I feel very secure in it. When he finaly gets his foot back in the door of a good company, he feels confident (and i am of him as well) that he'll do well.. but right now, there hasn't been much out there.

i didn't push. i'm willing to take my time on this topic.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2002
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 8:22am
Money was the first issue we tackled when we first dated. Both of our exes spent like it was going out of style, and neither of us wanted to end up with people like that again. We're both savers, so I think it helps that our money personalities are the same.

Feb 21 Warner Robins GA


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 10:32am

DH and I have alwasy kept our money seperate.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 11:56am

Yup, definitely a hard chapter. I recall DH and I didn't have any issues because we both had pretty secure jobs. The problem arose when we discussed me going back to school, but we though he'd have a great paying job so no big deal. We probably should have talked about what would happen if one of us lost our jobs, or the market made a turn for the worst....cuz that's what happened. DH lost his job, I can't go back to school, my job is pretty secure, but can't support the lifestyle he'd like. We should've talked more about how HE would handle it if we couldn't live to his standards. Cuz we can't, and he still (after a couple of bad years) doesn't get it. It's really hard to deal with on my end. I'm used to being poor, he's not. I'm used to living paycheck to paycheck and not buying what i want when i want it. He's not. So, it's been very hard on our marriage this past 2 years. And it wasn't anything we talked about. So, I'd throw that question into the mix.

You said you're secure in your job, and you seem to be happy about the direction it's going, but what if for some reason, you can't work? Or he can't? Discuss living "poor". Can you do it? Can he? etc. In today's time, it's a viable reason to discuss it.

Otherwise, take it slow. Since he's getting defensive, obviously, this is a chapter that you should take your time about. Maybe instead of going over the questions one day, discuss instead, WHY he's becoming defensive, etc. Good luck


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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 1:59pm

There is a show on CNBC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 3:35pm

Can the ability to discuss the money issue depend on the person you are with, I wonder?
I could discuss everything with my ex-H and money issue was never an issue for us. He earned more than me but I did the home job and I cared about the son, there was time i did not work, there was the time i earned more, different situations and we could speak of it easily

With my second DH I cannot speak of it unless I have too. I guess it is because we have children from other marriages. I think this issue of having different families of our own brings this unfortunate lack of so many percents from us being perfectly happy.

Why the world is made like this that my exH was my better friend than my DF who is my better (the best) lover. he is a friend too, my best friend at the moment, I feel so happy with him and yet with my ex I felt I could tell him everything (the problem was he would not react to that everything as i was expecting and my Dh does)

Life is a mystery it seems