Hard Questions - Sex chapter

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Hard Questions - Sex chapter
9
Tue, 09-28-2010 - 5:52pm

DF and I are now on Chapter 4 - Sex.



This is going to be a hard chapter for me... I am not comfortable talking about sex. I'm ok a little at a time, but when i start to think too much, i get nervous, selfconscious, and embarrased... (and on and on).



What i found interesting about the intro paragraph was that it said "the body doesn't lie" and the author described sex as who you are sexually is in essence who you are at your core. (i'm paraphrasing). But i can see how that is true. The body doesn't lie. And it would reveal to me that at my core i still have a LOT of selfesteem issues. I am confident about many things these days... but the one thing that still gets me is my insecurity about sex. I'm not comfortable, in general.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 9:26am

By the time I was with DH, sex was purely looked at as pleasure.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 1:12pm

Hmmm...interesting.

With my 1xh, we never talked about sex. Or rarely.

With 2xh, we talked about it openly, honestly, all the time. I think the biggest difference with 2xh was that he was easy to talk to about it, he always made me feel comfy about subjects. And it helped the ego/self-esteem when he felt I was the best thing since sliced bread. lol. I think that had more to do with it (on being able to discuss anything). We were also very sexually compatible.

With DH, he can't talk about it. Nothing at all. He goes into what I call, "mumble mode" where I can't understand a darn thing he's saying because he is embarrassed. And we're not even talking about "scary" things. Sadly, our sex life has suffered because of this. It's easy for me to talk about it, but when the other person basically clams up or shuts down, what's the point in talking?

So, my two cents. I would try to discuss this as openly as possible. If it's hard for you, type it up and let SO read it THEN discuss it. Or even do it in a fashion that makes it easier for you. The more you're able to discuss anything, the easier it is when issues arise. I mean, if he knows it bothers/embarrasses you.....think of how hard it is for him to discuss things if they're not good. i.e. maybe he's not complaining, but maybe it's because he doesn't like your reactions.

fyi i'm not saying he's not, and i'm not blaming you, but I'm looking at this from the other side. I try to bring things up with my DH, he basically ends the conversation or I feel like I'm dealing with a 14 year old who doesn't want to discuss sex with a parent. it's off-putting. so i literally haven't discussed sex with DH in a LONG time because he can't handle it...and since he can't bring it up, our sex life is all but dead.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 9:50am

Hi, loony,



Sex is not a number 4 part in a marriage, it is number 1. How the sex life can be great if you still feel embarrased to talk about it, if it is great there is nothing to talk about already. Also in my view it takes time to move from one thing to another, it depends on the partner where you arrieve in the end.



I do not think that ability to talk is so crucial, I could talk with my both husbands openely, yet with my second husband my sex life is much better. You cannot teach a person to be charming, he either is or not, the same with sex, he either has the drive or not. Yes, it is possible to improve things but sex is not methodics or skills not only, it is intuition You kiss and the kiss tells you what to do next When you kiss try to feel your partner try to feel how much you love him, send him the signal through the lips, look into his eyes

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 12:09pm

It was never really discussed in either of my marriages.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 4:46pm

Ahhh, the dreaded sex topic.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 5:57pm

Having visited the Mismatched Libidos forum now and then (just for viewing), I really don't want to end up with depressing stories like those, and I really feel the pain of the posters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 7:30pm

Hi Sienna,

I was just thinking it was time for an update on this subject... We just finished this chapter over the weekend. I thought the chapter in the book was going to be about "what do you like" or "talk about your fantasies"... That wasn't the case.... This was the shortest chapter in the book so far. Only 7 questions. Some questions i simply skipped over tho... Like the question about frequency (which i'll explain later).

Early in our relationship, DF discovered he wasn't as young as he used to be and while he doesn't have trouble getting hard... he does have trouble, on occasion, of lasting long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 9:30pm

It sounds like there are sensitive issues on both sides which can make it hard to bring up without sore feelings.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 2:11pm
Thanks for sharing, Loony.

Learning how not to take things personal takes some work, but the work is definately worth it.

And for what it worth, I totally "get" what you shared. :)

Serenity