Having a new child in second marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Having a new child in second marriage?
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:01am
How many of you ladies felt the urge to have a child by your second/new husband, and why?

Edited 5/28/2003 11:59:59 AM ET by romaniangal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 5:02pm
If I were you, I would consider therapy for the self-esteem issues. I'm sitting here wondering how an innocent comment like "my mother should be an illustrator" has been interpreted to mean that you are less of a person and not talented. She made the comment about her mother, no doubt just trying to make conversation. My SDs bring up their mother a lot - they spend over 10 months a year with her so of course she is on their minds and in their hearts. There is nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't make me less of a person. I am not their mother - and that is fine with me. They have a mother who loves them very much, and I am just not that person to them. They are important to me because they are important to their father, and because they are (usually) likeable children. It was not love at first sight - they grow on me a little more each time I see them. (It would be much easier if we had regular visitation, but we have to take what we can.)

I think having a child to cement your position in your SO's life is a horrible reason to have a child. I do not plan to have a child with my second husband, but that is because of my age and health issues, and the ages of the children we already have. However, if I were ten years younger, it would definitely be a consideration. There is no "right" reason to have a child - but there are plenty of wrong ones. Children do not strengthen a relationship - they test it sometimes more than it can bear. Children do not increase your stature with the father of your child - my ex cannot even look at me and has told more than one court official how much he hates me and that is the reason he has very little to do with his own children. I love my children more than life, and wanted them more than anything in this life, but unfortunately my ex did not feel the same way. Now my children pay the price of their father's selfishness. I cannot begin to describe to you what a mother's love feels like because it is so completely overwhelming. Last night I was watching my son sleep, thinking I had never in my life seen such a beautiful face, and where in the world would I be without him. Ten years ago I would have loved to have that same feeling from a child with my current husband, but it just isn't going to happen, and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life regretting it. I just feel lucky that we found each other at all - the fact that it was too late to have kids together is just part of the package. I believe in God and fate, and if God had wanted us to have kids together, he would have given us that opportunity. Instead, I believe that we are supposed to focus on the four children that we have and help them grow and prosper and become healthy adults.

I told you before that the decision to have children is extremely personal, and whenever possible, should be discussed with the other parent-to-be. My ex still swears that I got pregnant on purpose with the younger child, and that is part of the reason he left me. It isn't true - I wanted another child, but had planned on bringing it up to him about two months after I discovered that certain types of birth control don't work well in the nightstand. I will never be able to understand how he can just not accept this child and love him the same as our other child, but apparently some people are actually deficient that way. It's a good thing we are never faced with doing something over again, because I would not want to face having to choose between a child and my marriage again. Every day I pray that I made the right choice.

I'm sorry this is kind of rambling all over the place - as you can see this is a very painful topic for me. Please give this serious consideration, and discuss it fully with your fiance. Take it from me - sometimes surprises are not a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 12:14pm
I had a discussion with my DF last night and we've come to the conclusion that I have a competition problem in my life whereby I keep a scorecard for everything and judge whether I'm winning or not. It appears to be impacting my ability to grow as a person and learn what true selflessness and happiness is. I'm sharing this with all the ladies out there because for many of us step-moms we wonder about how to handle step-family situations and find peace and happiness in our lives knowing that we are entering into an unbalanced or unequal relationship. Raising someone else's kids is not an easy task and I hope that one day there will be a special step-parent day to give thanks to a different type of parent.

With that, I am officially throwing out my scorecard and I will live by the creed that "live really is unfair" but that doesn't mean that I still can't be happy and find my path in life. I'm not going to compete with my sisters, with my friends, with my DF or his ex and kids, with my boss, with my co-workers. I'm not even going to compete with myself. I will challenge myself, but not to the point where it becomes a competition.

Now I'm going to focus on the behaviours and thoughts that have been promoting my competitiveness and take it from there. I'm hoping that soon enough I will be in a place where I will finally be comfortable with all that life has to offer. Not to mention what it throws at me from time to time.

Hope all is well with everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 12:45pm
I want to have kids as my bioclock is ticking. I want the joy of sharing new life. We enjoyed our puppies/dogs. I won't as he cannot financially support any new kids as he willingly agreed to pay 60% of his pay as CS for his first 2 kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Tue, 06-24-2003 - 3:36pm
I feel (at this moment) that I would like to have a child with my current husband. We have been married for one year on June 22nd. I bring two children ages 12 & 7 into our new marriage with him having an 18 year old daughter who lives in another state far away. We have a very nice little family here and all get along great. My husband and I have spoken about having a child. There are some concern about the effects it would have on my daughters as well as his daughter. We also have to take into consideration my age (36) and the age differences in the children if we brought another child into the family. I would not want to work full-time if we were to decide to have a child. I really get the feeling that my husband is frieghtened to have another child. He never had the fortune to raise his daughter and wonders if he'd be a good parent. I ALWAYS remind him of how good of a parent he is with my girls. He is concerned about the economy and the fact that he may not have a job if it does not improve. So I guess what I am saying this that we may never have a child together because of many things in our lives. I guess I will always wonder what it would have been like but do not have to wonder too much because he is fantastic with my children and they aren't even his own.