he won't give up ex family

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2010
he won't give up ex family
19
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 5:48am

My SO of almost 5 years still refers to his ex family as his family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 8:46am

Hi and welcome to the board!

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 12:02pm

I thought this was great too at first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 12:44pm

Have you talked to him about

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 1:50pm

Hmmm....


I know not everyone defines "family" in the same way.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 3:45pm

We've discussed it and he says he doesn't understand which he may not.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 5:07pm

Ok, the funeral scenario sheds a little more light on the topic.


Sure, I would definately go to my xMIL's funeral, (actually, I did go to my first

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 6:05pm

Here's a thought for you......why did you expect the same courtesy and why isn't he giving you the same courtesy?

A lot of people are hypocrites when it comes to their r'ships with X's (especially them). Many of my X's were the jealous type and hated if anything regarding the X came up, but yet, it was okay for them to do whatevers regarding their X's. Hate to say it, but those ppl don't seem to get it.

If they "expect" you to stop interacting with your X's, then they must too. Each couple is different in that some ppl could careless, others "expect" it, and some demand it. You have to figure out what type of couple you are, and the BOTH of you have to adhere to the rules.

BTW I've been writing "expect" in quotes because expectations are not a good thing. They create resentment and are not good for any r'ship.

I would suggest talking to your DF. Let him know that you placed boundaries on that friendship with the X, because he did not like it. And that you expect the same from him. He can view his X and XSK (x-stepkids)as family, that's fine. But is he ready and willing to create a NEW family (with you) and set boundaries his other family. If he "expects" you to just be one big happy family, then you need to ask yourself if this is what YOU want.

When my brother married my SIL, I thought her idea of "family" was strange. Her brother (who I met once AT their wedding) invited me to his wedding. Her sister (again, met once) invited me to her wedding and baby shower. it was weird! But that's just how they are. They invite me and my husband to their family gatherings. They have even extended the offer to my in-laws (my husbands parents, sister and her family) when I told them I couldn't make it cuz I already was doing something with my hsuband's family. That's just how they are. Granted though....all these ppl are really nice and always include me in everything and we talk more than your DF with his "family'.

You need to discuss this more with your DF. and then ask yourself if it's something you can live with or not. And please, do not try and lie to yourself that things will change once you're married and have kids or something. Assuming nothing changes, can you live with this? You don't have to answer here, it's jsut something for you to think about.

Hugs. Definitely not an easy situation.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 8:38pm

Hi CJ,


My SIL was married in her 30's for the first time, never had kids, and her husband (my BIL) was divorced with 2 sons, and adamant "no more kids".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2010
Fri, 06-18-2010 - 11:34pm

I thank you all for your imput and have come to a decision I can live with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 11:12am
IMHO. I think you've made a wise decision. Right now, marriage is not a good thing. If he becomes the man you'd like as a husband, then maybe later, or not. Be strong and don't settle for less than what you feel you need.

 





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