Heartbroken, Angry, Frustrated, Sad...
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|Mon, 03-22-2010 - 4:22pm|
My husband and I have been together 4.5 years, married for the past 4 months. It's a second marriage for both of us. We both have kids from our first marriages (mine are both school-aged, his are about to start college and don't want much to do with him), and while he doesn't get along with his ex, I get along well with mine... in fact, my ex and my husband hang out together at family functions and seem to be friends.
My husband has lived in this geographic area his whole life. When my ex and I moved here with the kids several years ago (right after we divorced), we thought we'd settle here, but now we realize we really don't like it here. Finding my husband was the only good thing about this place! Last August, my ex brought up the subject of all of us (me, my husband, my ex and my kids) possibly moving, this time to the city where my company is based (I work at home right now).
My husband and I talked about it over the course of several months, hashing out the issues of leaving this place behind and starting over elsewhere. We visited the potential new city, made some friends, etc. He admitted that it would be hard leaving a place that he's lived for 40+ years, but with his kids grown and his parents both passed, he decided it was a good idea. Exciting and scary, but worth it! He talked about opening a shop when we moved, and we started looking at houses and getting our own house ready to sell.
Meanwhile, my ex (who has primary custody of our kids) found and bought a house in the new city. I kept checking with my husband, making sure everything was kosher as time passed, feeling out his emotional state (he's not much for communicating outright), etc. He seemed totally on board for our move, which was scheduled for this summer. He even said "Your family is my family now."
Then last night, he got very quiet. I asked him what the problem was, and after a little probing, he admitted that he might not be ready to move after all.
I was floored. We had made all these plans based on the fact that he claimed he wanted this. My ex has bought a house, which means he and the kids are definitely moving, which means that I have to move, too (I love my husband, but I can't be a thousand miles from my kids). I felt betrayed, hurt, sad... I was disappointed in him. I had given him every chance in all our months of talking to say "you know, I don't think this will work for me," and I had been so careful NOT to push him, because I never wanted him to resent me. I wanted this move to be something he really wanted to do, and it seemed that it was. Now it's like he's got cold feet and wants out.
I said "Well, you know I'm locked in, right?" He nodded. I said, "I can't make you move... Take some time to think about what you want. I want you to be happy." And I definitely DO want him to be happy... I just wish he hadn't suddenly changed his mind. I am still kinda in shock that he just did this.
I have so much in my head right now... Will he decide to stay? Will we separate or divorce if I move and he stays? Was this just a convenient way to go back to being single for him? Is there someone else he wants to stay here for, or is he just afraid of change? (We had some issues in the past with him cheating, but that was a few years ago, and we worked through them... this situation is bringing some of my trust issues out, though.) Is our marriage not worth it anymore? After all, we just got married 4 months ago, when this move was already on the table and pretty much decided.
Am I in the wrong for getting pissed and thinking "Dude, you said for better or for worse, and you convinced me you wanted this move, so how can you do this now??"
I don't know what to think or how to feel right now. I want to be supportive and understanding of him, and I haven't said much to him other than "think about what you want and be happy," but I want to scream at him, fight for him, smack him.... ugh. No matter what happens, I'm moving this summer, and now, this move might be the end of my short-lived marriage with the guy that I was ready to grow old with.
Sorry this is long... Any ideas as to what I can (or should) do? Should I just give him his space and go on with my plans, or should I make him talk about it, try to find out what his deal is? What would you do if you were me? I appreciate any insight... this board is always such a great source of advice! Thanks!