Heartbroken, Angry, Frustrated, Sad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Heartbroken, Angry, Frustrated, Sad...
26
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 4:22pm

My husband and I have been together 4.5 years, married for the past 4 months. It's a second marriage for both of us. We both have kids from our first marriages (mine are both school-aged, his are about to start college and don't want much to do with him), and while he doesn't get along with his ex, I get along well with mine... in fact, my ex and my husband hang out together at family functions and seem to be friends.

My husband has lived in this geographic area his whole life. When my ex and I moved here with the kids several years ago (right after we divorced), we thought we'd settle here, but now we realize we really don't like it here. Finding my husband was the only good thing about this place! Last August, my ex brought up the subject of all of us (me, my husband, my ex and my kids) possibly moving, this time to the city where my company is based (I work at home right now).

My husband and I talked about it over the course of several months, hashing out the issues of leaving this place behind and starting over elsewhere. We visited the potential new city, made some friends, etc. He admitted that it would be hard leaving a place that he's lived for 40+ years, but with his kids grown and his parents both passed, he decided it was a good idea. Exciting and scary, but worth it! He talked about opening a shop when we moved, and we started looking at houses and getting our own house ready to sell.

Meanwhile, my ex (who has primary custody of our kids) found and bought a house in the new city. I kept checking with my husband, making sure everything was kosher as time passed, feeling out his emotional state (he's not much for communicating outright), etc. He seemed totally on board for our move, which was scheduled for this summer. He even said "Your family is my family now."

Then last night, he got very quiet. I asked him what the problem was, and after a little probing, he admitted that he might not be ready to move after all.

I was floored. We had made all these plans based on the fact that he claimed he wanted this. My ex has bought a house, which means he and the kids are definitely moving, which means that I have to move, too (I love my husband, but I can't be a thousand miles from my kids). I felt betrayed, hurt, sad... I was disappointed in him. I had given him every chance in all our months of talking to say "you know, I don't think this will work for me," and I had been so careful NOT to push him, because I never wanted him to resent me. I wanted this move to be something he really wanted to do, and it seemed that it was. Now it's like he's got cold feet and wants out.

I said "Well, you know I'm locked in, right?" He nodded. I said, "I can't make you move... Take some time to think about what you want. I want you to be happy." And I definitely DO want him to be happy... I just wish he hadn't suddenly changed his mind. I am still kinda in shock that he just did this.

I have so much in my head right now... Will he decide to stay? Will we separate or divorce if I move and he stays? Was this just a convenient way to go back to being single for him? Is there someone else he wants to stay here for, or is he just afraid of change? (We had some issues in the past with him cheating, but that was a few years ago, and we worked through them... this situation is bringing some of my trust issues out, though.) Is our marriage not worth it anymore? After all, we just got married 4 months ago, when this move was already on the table and pretty much decided.

Am I in the wrong for getting pissed and thinking "Dude, you said for better or for worse, and you convinced me you wanted this move, so how can you do this now??"

I don't know what to think or how to feel right now. I want to be supportive and understanding of him, and I haven't said much to him other than "think about what you want and be happy," but I want to scream at him, fight for him, smack him.... ugh. No matter what happens, I'm moving this summer, and now, this move might be the end of my short-lived marriage with the guy that I was ready to grow old with.

Sorry this is long... Any ideas as to what I can (or should) do? Should I just give him his space and go on with my plans, or should I make him talk about it, try to find out what his deal is? What would you do if you were me? I appreciate any insight... this board is always such a great source of advice! Thanks!

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 6:03pm

First,

Serenity
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 6:05pm

My question is if he is still ready to move despite his misgivings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 7:14pm

Thanks for your input! I know this is a HUGE deal for him. That's why we've been talking about it since August... I've given him tons of time to think, initiated conversations to see how he felt, and been as flexible as possible. I let him know that even though I wanted to move, I would also be fine staying put as long as I was with him and close to my kids.

I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd said "I can't do this," but he never did... instead, he said "I WANT to do this!" and participated with me every step of the way. It's only now that I'm locked in because my kids are locked in, that he's expressing resistance.

I truly hope he'll come around and is just taking a while to get comfortable with it... He's not a snap decision maker, but like I said, this isn't at all a snap decision. I just feel somewhat betrayed since he led me to believe all was well, and it clearly wasn't. We've looked at houses and had narrowed down our preferences to one or two that we liked, and if we're going to make an offer, it needs to be soon, but right now, I'd be fine with just playing it by ear and finding a place to live when we get there if it means he'd actually move with me. I know buying a house is a huge deal, and I told him this morning that we could rent a place or whatever it takes if it means we don't have to be apart. But I'm not sure the house is the whole issue, since he didn't jump at the chance to simply rent when we move. He's still resistant to the move itself.

Again, thanks... I appreciate your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 7:24pm

Thanks, Mark... The answer is that he's saying now that he DOESN'T want to move. He's been on board up to now, and now he says he's having second thoughts.

Believe me, if he was willing to move despite his misgivings, I'd be overjoyed... I've worked for the past several months to talk out all of his concerns, be receptive to his issues, and not pressure him at all. I have never gotten pissed at him for sharing how he feels; quite the opposite, since he so rarely shares without being asked. I knew he'd have to be comfortable with the moving idea on his own, and after a while, he was... he was even sending me links to shops he might want to buy and houses we could go see. He kept saying "I can't wait to move."

I knew it would be a big step for him to actually leave this place, but I knew he was game because he loved me and because he was ready for a change of scenery himself. Now, I'm not sure about either of those things. Now he's changing his mind, and it's too late for me to turn back because of my ex and the kids already buying a house.

Being with me appears to be less important than staying in the place he's always lived, even though he claimed otherwise all this time. I feel like I did everything I could to keep the communication open... I'm not sure what else I could have done to get him to communicate this sooner.

Thank you, though... you're right, if we manage to get through this, we're going to need more help to make sure this kind of thing can't happen again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 7:57pm

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} to you!


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 8:01pm

Serenity
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 8:01pm
Honey, I love you and want to be with to you. We have talked about this and planned this together every step of the way. I understood that you had committed to this and I went ahead on good faith that you are with me on this. My children are a key part of my life and I need to be near them as you well know. I am going to make this move. I hope you keep to your promise and move with me. I know it's a hard thing for you but this is something that I see as part of being married to each other. If you need help in order to take these last steps then let's find a counselor so you can move forward with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 9:24am

Yep, that's almost exactly what I said to him this morning. And then I had a strange thought, so I asked him, "Do you just not want to be married, and this is a way to get out of it?" The look on his face pretty much said it all. My heart dropped to my stomach.

He says he loves me, and that he married me because he was happy with me then, but he's less happy with me now. Part of that is due to our trust issues... he cheated on me a few years ago, and while I mostly trust him now, I still have moments of insecurity, and he helps me get past those. But now he says he doesn't want someone looking over his shoulder the rest of his life. He admits that he did a lot of things wrong that caused my trust issues, but it's like he doesn't want to be around me anymore because I might check up on him (I've never checked his cell phone or asked for his passwords... the worst I've done is Google a username he uses a lot, and I've only done that once). I promised never to look over his shoulder, but it seems that's not enough.

Maybe he just doesn't love me, or at least not enough. If he's willing to let me move away simply because he's not as happy now as he was 4 months ago, then maybe this isn't the right thing. It's completely breaking my heart, though.... I've worked hard at this, because I always said that, if I got married a second time, it was the last time. I figured I could do it right after all the mistakes of my first marriage, but maybe not. He doesn't seem to care enough to want to make this work... It's easier to walk away, and that seems to be what he's doing.

So now I'm torn... Fight for him and work extra hard at bringing him around (in short, make him as happy as he was 4 months ago), or walk out myself? Bend over backwards, or make him work for it? I'm not sure what more I can do to make his life peachy... We have sex at least once a day, I cook dinner for him most nights, I clean, I have no problem with him staying up to play computer poker or work on his motorcycle... He even gets every other weekend to himself when I'm with my kids. I'm at a loss as to what else I can do. Maybe I'm just not what he wants anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 9:45am

Hi!

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 9:57am

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}} to you, drama.


I agree with Pam....please ask your DH to go to a counselor with you.


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