Hey all, new to the forum!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2010
Hey all, new to the forum!
4
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 4:35pm

Been browsing for a bit and thought I'd introduce myself.

Been divorced for several years and been with my SO for the last 2. We are not married yet but have lived together for the last year.  My kids are DS10 and DD6. He has no children and was not ever married. Overall, we have a great realationship. I really did learn a lot about myself through the divorce and my part in the marriage's demise. I'm really actively trying to ensure I do not make the same mistakes. I was married to my xH for 10 years but it really could have ended after 5. It took awhile, but now we are civil with eachother and have 50/50 custody. He lives in the marital home. The kids have been going back and forth for several years and really have gotten used to the whole thing. My DS10 is severly ADHD so there are constant struggles with him, however, my DD6 is a real angel...minus her little attitude that is, coincidentally, very much like mine? lol, hmmmm

This time...and probably due to having more years under my belt and having lived alone before dating again...I learned what I wanted, what I didn't want, what I would and would not tolerate, etc. But also, and likely more important...what I was willing to work on...I can be a nag at times and, generally, am pretty self-centered...which is hard to admit but, I believe...vital.

SO and I met in 2011 and, after many years of dates with a bunch of messed up losers...I knew pretty quickly he was an amazing man. And in my screwed up mind, thought there had to be a reason he wasn't already taken. Turns out he was in a long term relationship with a real nut job. Long story short...she had 3 kids with a guy that was in jail for molesting her little sister...real winner, huh? The first 6 months of our relationship, she learned about me, became vehenemently jealous and wouldn't leave him alone. I'm sure if she had a car, she would've been physically stalking us. At first I felt threatened but, one thing I've learned about SO...he is nothing if not completely and, sometimes, brutally...honest. When she then tried to sue us for stuff she abandoned at his home, he really was done (I had been wondering if this was a rebound-thing for him and destined to fail). Thankfully, she must've fallen off the face of the earth because we've not heard from her...but she's not dead because I stalk her facebook page at times, lol.

Fast forward...we moved in together and things have been pretty great. He got a dog right after and, while I'm not a pet person...I'm handling it. He's a HUGE pain the butt (5 year old black lab) but he's grown on me. SO works horrible hours (11:30 am to 12:00 am M-F) so we really only see each other on the weekends. For someone independent like me, I actually love the arrangement...I get me time...time with my kids alone, and then times when we all come together...really, the best scenario. It just...works. The kids really like him...even if they don't want to listen. SO is really laid back with them and, while I wondered if not having any kids would be a disadvantage for him, it's turned more into an advantage. He doesn't let their attitudes bother him and is usually the peacemaker between them and me. I also let him help me dictate house rules and, thankfully, their father reinforce they need to listen to SO (as they must listen to his SO).

He has a lot of stress in his job. He works for a small business...his best friend's family's business. They treat him like a dog...I truly do not like these people but have forced myself to not let it get to me or I'd have had a stroke a long time ago. Recently, the Dept. of Labor informed SO the company had not been paying him according to law and owed him $11K but would not take them to court on his behalf...the letter was to let him know he could sue them. Well, in this environment, he won't. We are quietly looking for another job for him so he can be done with it.

I think a lot of our "problems" are due to the stress he brings home. I'm REALLY good at compartmentalizing...a real pro. Work stays at work, and home stays at home...I never allow them to intertwine. He is not that way, especially because his BFF is also his coworker and his "second father" is the owner.

The problem lately is the lack of intimacy. There's really not any "bedroom" time. I generally have to pitch a fit to get some "action." I hate that...feeling like I have to beg for my SO to want to have sex with me. I've gotten really upset twice...the first time I walked out on him and said I was done with the relationship but this was after he didn't want to do the plans we had made weeks before (casino then dinner then...whatever, lol) because he wasn't "feeling well" (meaning, he was stressed from work and allowing it to affect our time together). I had enough and left...and wouldn't answer his texts to come home. I eventually came home hours later and he was really upset...I still never wish to see him that upset in all my life. I believe him when he says I'm his world, that he loves me more than anything, etc. But...I also have a hard time accepting the he just cannot "get over" the work crap...it's not going to go away until he gets another job...what use is there to freak out about it all the time? But, I know he's not me so...I'm working on being more understanding. That night we ended up having the best sex we ever had, lol.

This last time, just this past Sunday...I cried and cried because I felt rejected. Again, he made me feel like he loved me, it wasn't me, etc.

Now, we are getting older and, like my mom says, it's probably that his testosterone is to blame and the stress most definitely does not help. When we are intimate, there is no problem whatsoever with his performance (if you get my drift) so I'm not entirely sure what the problem is. SO is unlike any man I've ever met...he is affectionate, emotional...kinda like a woman, to be honest...I joke to my best friends he is the real woman in the relationship, lol. At the end of the day, I'll take the lack of sex over any issue because, I KNOW he is an amazing man and loves me to death...he treats me like a princess and is wonderful with my children. I do NOT want anything else...but more sex! lol

So, I'm just wondering if anyone feels my pain and has any advice...I really don't think it's anything I'm doing or not doing...I do think it's stress for him and hope a new job will help that but...for the time being...I don't know how to get it into his head how important it is without making him feel bad about it...any thoughts?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 10:39am

I don't know how often you're wanting intimacy. I can see him being too tired on weekdays with a twelve hour day, but after a whole day off on Saturday, he should be up for it on Sunday. I would tell him that to meet your needs, you would like to do it at least once a week and since Sunday is probably the best day for that, then ask if you can make a solid date for that with him for that day. If he cares about you, he should be willing to go along with that reasonable request.

I was once in a one year relationship with a guy who worked long hours as well. At the beginning of our relationship, I was happy with the amount, but everyone's their best at the beginning. Then it started waning to twice a month, which made me feel undesirable and frustrated. I believe that he had a low libido that didn't match with mine. After we broke up after a year (we were incompatible in every major way, anyway), I finally met my future husband. We are totally compatible in all ways and I'm 100% happier.

I hope that your SO can find a forty hour a week job soon, with less stress, so you can see if that's really the problem, or if it's an excuse for a low libido. To me, people with totally different libidos will never be happy with each other. The one with the low libido always feels pressured and the one with the higher libido feels frustrated. Since he's so amazing otherwise, it's worth having him get a medical exam to rule out possible physical causes. Good luck!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 12:44pm
Welcome to the board! I wish I had more time, but wanted to at least say hello and throw out my two cents real quick. I am perimenapausal, and I can tell you that I can relate in the reverse way. I have little desire, and it can cause a lot of stress in a R. It is a catch 22 that is hard to overcome. We are 44 and 49, so yes, we are getting older. :) SO may get frustrated and stop trying, and I have no clue. I am happy as a clam, not giving it a second thought until he says something to me. Then when I am in the mood, he makes some comment and it just messes everything up. Well, I am at work have to run, but will try and elaborate more later.... Serenity - CL Making a Second Marriage Work
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2010
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 2:22pm

I had typed out this long reply but it did not post! UGH....

Well, I'll sum up what I said...I will not leave him over our mis-matching libidos as I believe it is temporary. I want to find a solution that will work for us both. I will talk to him (when I am not angry to being with) and see if "setting a date" is something he is okay with. I will let you know how it goes!

Thank you for the advice...I'm going to go post another thread about my son.... :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 8:44am

WELCOME :)

Quote:

.for the time being...I don't know how to get it into his head how important it is without making him feel bad about it...any thoughts?!?

I am like him more, also, in that when I"m worried about something at work, it's hard to focus on things at home-----I'd say being REALLY positive re: the good rather than telling him what's wrong...........by this I mean---being REAL BLATANT re: how happy you are when he does something positive.........I say this because he's so focused on his problems at work, he is probably missing cues from you re: how happy you are when he does these positive things..............also, since weekends are your "time" together, see if he's agreeable to you making plans to do things with him---getting out and about, like a "mini vacation" and he shuts off his phone/etc re: contacting BFF/co-worker, other work issues, because you're on your "mini vacation" of sorts .....eg, try to get into a completely different scenario than the weekday at home routine, maybe that will help him "compartmentalize" better, as it's such different things going on, KWIM?


It's really good that you can recognize it's HIS problems with HIS issues/stress, and really NOT at all re: his feelings towards you........................(although that still doesnt make it pleasant to live with )......

Of course, one ALWAYS comes upon *some* sort of stress in their life...............so simply expecting it all to be "better" once he has a different job situation might be unrealistic.....................would be good also that he recognizes this is an issue in relationship with you, and works at figuring out ways he can better handle stress.


Lots of people handle stress with increased physical activity----would bicycle riding or some other activity you two can do together be a good idea?  It would get you two out of normal routine, decrease stress/increase endorphins, be fun, etc?