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|Thu, 03-14-2013 - 4:35pm|
Been browsing for a bit and thought I'd introduce myself.
Been divorced for several years and been with my SO for the last 2. We are not married yet but have lived together for the last year. My kids are DS10 and DD6. He has no children and was not ever married. Overall, we have a great realationship. I really did learn a lot about myself through the divorce and my part in the marriage's demise. I'm really actively trying to ensure I do not make the same mistakes. I was married to my xH for 10 years but it really could have ended after 5. It took awhile, but now we are civil with eachother and have 50/50 custody. He lives in the marital home. The kids have been going back and forth for several years and really have gotten used to the whole thing. My DS10 is severly ADHD so there are constant struggles with him, however, my DD6 is a real angel...minus her little attitude that is, coincidentally, very much like mine? lol, hmmmm
This time...and probably due to having more years under my belt and having lived alone before dating again...I learned what I wanted, what I didn't want, what I would and would not tolerate, etc. But also, and likely more important...what I was willing to work on...I can be a nag at times and, generally, am pretty self-centered...which is hard to admit but, I believe...vital.
SO and I met in 2011 and, after many years of dates with a bunch of messed up losers...I knew pretty quickly he was an amazing man. And in my screwed up mind, thought there had to be a reason he wasn't already taken. Turns out he was in a long term relationship with a real nut job. Long story short...she had 3 kids with a guy that was in jail for molesting her little sister...real winner, huh? The first 6 months of our relationship, she learned about me, became vehenemently jealous and wouldn't leave him alone. I'm sure if she had a car, she would've been physically stalking us. At first I felt threatened but, one thing I've learned about SO...he is nothing if not completely and, sometimes, brutally...honest. When she then tried to sue us for stuff she abandoned at his home, he really was done (I had been wondering if this was a rebound-thing for him and destined to fail). Thankfully, she must've fallen off the face of the earth because we've not heard from her...but she's not dead because I stalk her facebook page at times, lol.
Fast forward...we moved in together and things have been pretty great. He got a dog right after and, while I'm not a pet person...I'm handling it. He's a HUGE pain the butt (5 year old black lab) but he's grown on me. SO works horrible hours (11:30 am to 12:00 am M-F) so we really only see each other on the weekends. For someone independent like me, I actually love the arrangement...I get me time...time with my kids alone, and then times when we all come together...really, the best scenario. It just...works. The kids really like him...even if they don't want to listen. SO is really laid back with them and, while I wondered if not having any kids would be a disadvantage for him, it's turned more into an advantage. He doesn't let their attitudes bother him and is usually the peacemaker between them and me. I also let him help me dictate house rules and, thankfully, their father reinforce they need to listen to SO (as they must listen to his SO).
He has a lot of stress in his job. He works for a small business...his best friend's family's business. They treat him like a dog...I truly do not like these people but have forced myself to not let it get to me or I'd have had a stroke a long time ago. Recently, the Dept. of Labor informed SO the company had not been paying him according to law and owed him $11K but would not take them to court on his behalf...the letter was to let him know he could sue them. Well, in this environment, he won't. We are quietly looking for another job for him so he can be done with it.
I think a lot of our "problems" are due to the stress he brings home. I'm REALLY good at compartmentalizing...a real pro. Work stays at work, and home stays at home...I never allow them to intertwine. He is not that way, especially because his BFF is also his coworker and his "second father" is the owner.
The problem lately is the lack of intimacy. There's really not any "bedroom" time. I generally have to pitch a fit to get some "action." I hate that...feeling like I have to beg for my SO to want to have sex with me. I've gotten really upset twice...the first time I walked out on him and said I was done with the relationship but this was after he didn't want to do the plans we had made weeks before (casino then dinner then...whatever, lol) because he wasn't "feeling well" (meaning, he was stressed from work and allowing it to affect our time together). I had enough and left...and wouldn't answer his texts to come home. I eventually came home hours later and he was really upset...I still never wish to see him that upset in all my life. I believe him when he says I'm his world, that he loves me more than anything, etc. But...I also have a hard time accepting the he just cannot "get over" the work crap...it's not going to go away until he gets another job...what use is there to freak out about it all the time? But, I know he's not me so...I'm working on being more understanding. That night we ended up having the best sex we ever had, lol.
This last time, just this past Sunday...I cried and cried because I felt rejected. Again, he made me feel like he loved me, it wasn't me, etc.
Now, we are getting older and, like my mom says, it's probably that his testosterone is to blame and the stress most definitely does not help. When we are intimate, there is no problem whatsoever with his performance (if you get my drift) so I'm not entirely sure what the problem is. SO is unlike any man I've ever met...he is affectionate, emotional...kinda like a woman, to be honest...I joke to my best friends he is the real woman in the relationship, lol. At the end of the day, I'll take the lack of sex over any issue because, I KNOW he is an amazing man and loves me to death...he treats me like a princess and is wonderful with my children. I do NOT want anything else...but more sex! lol
So, I'm just wondering if anyone feels my pain and has any advice...I really don't think it's anything I'm doing or not doing...I do think it's stress for him and hope a new job will help that but...for the time being...I don't know how to get it into his head how important it is without making him feel bad about it...any thoughts?!?