His kids???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
His kids???
17
Tue, 04-05-2011 - 8:24am

I am not married, so I'm a bit of interloper here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 04-05-2011 - 10:43am
Hi and WELCOME!

Dont worry re: not being married/remarried--many of us here arent---but we ARE All trying to navigate this "remarriage/blended family" second marriage thing, and share ideas on what makes it work (and vent when it doesnt, LOL !)

ANYHOW---
I think you're in a great situation, and sounds like with a great guy/etc.

RE:
So what do you do about the children? Is there a role to play that can be nice & supportive & yet leave the child-rearing to the parents? Do you have any advice for me?

1. I think "leaving the childrearing to the parents" is the BEST thing a "step parent" can do----you are SUPPORTIVE of the bioparent,--and CONSISTENT re: enforcing bioparents rules/expectations---but, yeah, the "hands on" parenting is for the bioparent to do.

In my experience, you will only come ahead with that role. The kids are there to visit DAD, so, IMO, there is NOTHING wrong wtih dad taking the lead re: all aspects of childcare etc when kids are there. Dad grilling the burgers, etc and inviting you over to join in seems fine to me----you're just "contributing" to the meal by picking up the buns/tomatoes---similar to bringing something to a "potluck" supper, if you will.....?

So, IMO, the fact that the bringing the rolls/tomatoes seems more of an "issue" to you says to me there is some UNDERLYING "issue" this is triggering--------and you need to talk re: the underlying issue with your SO.

Might take a bit of time to figure out what the actual "issue" is----

from my own experience, I'd say at that age, and with (what sounds as stable situation exW is in with new husband) his kids will probably be very accepting of you as "dad's girlfriend"-----and you need not "participate" in relationships with them as more than that. (kind of like an aunt or some other adult friend----sure,..help them, talk with them, be an emotional supporter of them----but, the "responsibility" of parenting falls to dad and biomom.

I'm sure others will have good advice/insight for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 04-05-2011 - 12:28pm

Hi and welcome.

My first thought was the same as Serenity's. What is the underlying issue truly? Is it about "taking care of his kids"? Is it about not having to raise anymore kids (since you've done that already with your own)? Is it about having young kids in the equation again? Sit down with yourself and really think about the situation. What is the trigger? What is making you feel resentful?

i.e. what about having to buy buns set you into the resentment mode? Was it the actual buying of the buns? Was it that he's treating you more as a GF and you don't have that official title yet and want it? Is it that you feel he's expecting you to be a "mom" to his kids? What was the real reason for the bun trigger?

Only you can truly answer that. Honestly, at this point, I think you need to figure out your end of things before talking to your BF.

BTW, he sounds like he's got everything balanced. Which is a good thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-05-2011 - 4:01pm

My 1st thought was that so many of the women on this board would trade places w/ you when you have nice kids who like you and no problems w/ the ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 12:29pm
Thanks! MY BF ended up picking up the things he needed from the grocery store, and he invited a few of his kids friends over (it's spring break this week) for the cook-out, including his ex-wife's husband's son (LOL) and a neighbor. So I walked into this scene of my BF cooking hamburgers, overseeing the kids splitting lettuce, and the neighbor setting the table. It was, given that I haven't been on the family scene in a while, but rather in the middle-aged professional singles scene, a bit surreal.

But on the upside my BF took full responsibility for the kids and friends and everyone was pretty good natured and yes, the kids seem to be prepared to accept me as Dad's GF.

I'm not sure what the real underlying issue is. It feels like it's somewhere between reluctance to step back in time and trepidation over how to intimately manage someone' else's children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 12:31pm
He calls me his GF and he's not expecting me to be "mom" to his kids. I do think the problem is within me, adjusting to a new dynamic in my life. And perhaps I am indeed lucky that everything is so well balanced.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 1:30pm

Your BF seems like a good guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 6:22pm
This is part of my dilemma. My BF is wonderful; and I feel fortunate to have him in my life. We spend a lot of time together. But I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that I want to support him as a great dad with the fact that I have already passed through ahd closed that chapter -- the one with stories about sleep-overs and camp-outs and family barbecues -- of my life.

On the other hand, possibly, a relationship with these children could be fun & rewarding.

So you say that you don't want someone with little kids. But if you met a great man would you reconsider this desire?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 6:27pm
Our situations are close. I think part of the difficult may be that I feel a bit sad that I might end up doing things for kids that I didn't ever get around to doing for my own. daughters. I get that! But, luckily so far, my BF & I have a pretty great relationship, with a future vacation, just the two of us, on the horizon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 10:31pm

Interesting question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-06-2011 - 10:34pm

Since there are a lot of days when he isn't w/ his kids, what is his excuse for not doing things w/ you then?

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