How do I get him to commit? Or is he already?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2011
How do I get him to commit? Or is he already?
7
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 3:47pm

Hi Ladies, I am new to this board, Obviously lol. I have been lurking and saw that you all are very supportive so I have decided to post. So here goes. My name is Danielle, I am 32. I has a little boy who will be 5 and I am divorced. I have an amazing boyfriend Joe, he is 37 and also divorced. He had an extremely bad divorce where the the took him for 160k and a house that he owned before he was married. He even tried to call the wedding off two weeks before hand. So here

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 4:27pm
Hi and welcome to the board Danielle. Nice of you to delurk. :)

In all honesty, I can't give you suggestions to speed up, because I wonder if he's past his divorce. I am NOT saying he's not over his XW, I'm saying, has he learned/healed from it? Has he truly moved on from it, the pain, the anger, etc? I mean, you said he didn't even want a gf at the time you two started dating, and well, maybe he shouldn't have had one regardless of how compatible you two are. Please don't think I'm saying you two should break up or even that he's not right for you. What I am saying is.....why are you pushing for it to speed up?

So, if my timing is right, he was divorced for a little over a year before you two met. You two have been dating for 8 months. He obviously didn't have the guts to call off his previous wedding and I'm not sure how or why he was taken for 160k plus a house he owned prior to the marriage. IMHO, he's probably still got his tail tucked between his legs. He's probably wary of what could happen again.

I guess, we need to hear more of his side. Why doesn't he want to marry? Is it because he doesn't want to get ripped off again? Is it because he's scare? Is it because he's been "burned" and won't allow it again? Honestly, if it's any of those reasons, then he's not past his divorce yet.

If you want to move forward, I would suggest pre-marital counseling. To talk about IF you are truly okay not being married to him, WHY he doesn't want to get married, WHY you say you want to speed things up, etc, etc, etc. 8 months isn't a long time. In some states, you can't even get divorced in 8 months. I think you two have a lot more to deal with before you move in together or make things go by quicker. If it's meant to be, it'll be and speeding it up, or taking time, won't make any difference.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 4:30pm

Welcome!

I think it depends what level of commitment you are wanting in your R with him.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2011
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 4:38pm

Thanks so much for your input ladies! I do enjoy everything that I have with him. And I think that he is afraid of being burned. He has said that the minute he got married she changed. Our laws here in canada are a bit difefrent than yours lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 4:48pm
Ah, Canada. Yes, different laws. Nevermind what I wrote then. Have you ever asked him why he went through with the wedding? If he's like most guys, he felt obligated or under pressure. I know that can wreak havoc on a guy for awhile too.

Another thing is....I think you need to come to terms with your idea of marriage/commitment. I know for myself, I need to have the marriage. However, if my current M failed, I honestly don't know if I could go through with it again. Just cuz I'm tired of being M then D.

I would say he is committed to you. But maybe you two should sit down and define what commitment is to each other. Maybe give yourself a week to truly think about it. Then come back together and discuss.This is when you have to ask yourself if NOT being married means not being as committed (as I said, this is your definition, no one elses).

For me, marriage is the ultimate committment. So if a man told me, "I am never getting married" I honestly don't know if I could stay with him. BUT there are many women (and a few here on this board) who are in fully 100% committed r'ships with men they are not married to. AGain, it's all about the definiton.

Just something to strengthen your r'ship with....or find out why you feel iffy.

Also, this may help him see how committed you are, and maybe he won't hold getting burned against you and want marriage one day. Who knows.

And yes, sometimes it feels good to just bounce things off other people. Thta's what we're here for.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 5:06pm
What you asked is not stupid at all! Just like you have been lurking, there are others as well who may be wanting to ask the same thing and are reaping the benefits of this thread. With the new format, we now see how many times the thread has been viewed, and it is alot more then the actual posting number.

Again, welcome and I hope you stick around.
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 9:36pm

Hi Danielle,

It's funny--I looked at your post and thought "wow, she's really rushing things, 8 months is so short to be moving in together."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 2:33pm

Hi Danielle,

You mentioned that things are going slow, what do you think should have already transpired right now after 8 months that hasn't so far?

I suggest that you guys not get a house or any other life altering decisions for at least 2 years of dating. 8 months is still pretty new, you just said I love yous, so I think big decisions like that need to be done slowly.

Also, dig down inside yourself and be honest - do you ever want to be married again? I was divorced at 31 and now I'm 34, but I do want to be married again someday. So know the real you and don't try to talk yourself into something. Maybe you need a few more months to really let your inner voice come out as to what you really want.

"I am not sure why I want to rush it"

If you're like me, on occasion - admittedly, you'll get obsessed about something for a while (usually relationship related). Then someone will talk you down and you'll be better and it'll be a non-obsession again. Maybe that's you right now? Let it go for a while? Enjoy what you have but don't make life altering plans unless you've dated much longer?