How does it work the second time without my Dad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
How does it work the second time without my Dad?
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 10:41pm

I lost my dad due to malpractice in 09. He was able to walk me down the isle when I got married to my practice husband (Ex husband). Now that he's gone, who do I get to walk me down the isle the second time around? Also, since it's tradition for the man to ask the father to marry his daughter, how does that work when there is no father to ask? This is so painful to think about. I never imagined loosing my father so soon and having to go through this. Thanks guys!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 12:02am

First up, I'm so sorry for you losing your dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 8:41am
(((hugs)))) to you on losing your dad.

When I got married, it was a small ceremony, and we (me and H) walked in together.

It takes time to work through things (e.g death of dad), if there's someone you could talk to to help you work through this (death of dad )would probably help you alot-----(the practical issues of marriage when dad is deceased are surmountable.)

((((((((((((more hugs!))))))))))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 9:16am
Guevana wrote:

I lost my dad due to malpractice in 09.

Sorry to hear this.

He was able to walk me down the isle when I got married to my practice husband (Ex husband). Now that he's gone, who do I get to walk me down the isle the second time around?

If you have an older brother or an uncle you're close with, you can give the honor to him. Otherwise, you can use some other guy older that you have had a close platonic relationship with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 10:37am

When I got married the 2nd time, my dad was also deceased, so my then 5 yr old son walked me down the aisle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 12:39pm

I am sorry about your dad Guevana.

My dad was not there for my first (practice husband LOL) as it was just a courthouse wedding, no family in fact. However, my dad has metastasized lung cancer (from esophageal cancer) and there's no way he is getting on a plane even if the wedding were tomorrow. So he probably won't be on this earth when I do have my real wedding.

I guess I had envisioned going down the isle myself? Haven't thought about it much. We haven't done anything traditionally thus far, so no asking the daughter's hand for marriage so then it won't be a big deal to have a man walk me down the isle.

Is having a your BF ask a man for your hand in marriage very important to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 1:11pm

It all depends on how 'wedded' you are to tradition.


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 8:47pm

Thank you everyone for the advice, it really helped. Music, I love the idea! I don't think my boyfriend has to ask anyone for my hand in marriage, I just assumed that he needed to because that's what my ex did the first time I got engaged. I like the idea of just announcing to my mom together that way she will be more receptive. Maybe we could take her out to dinner and mention it to her that way... that sounds nice! It does make sense though that we are both adults, both previously married and independent so he shouldn't have to ask permission. Besides, she would most likely either object or give him an earfull because she's paranoid of me being with another man after the hell that my ex put me through.

I was thinking of having my son be the ring bearer but he may be too old for that role when the time comes. I think I may go with that and if not, i may use my brother. I don't know if I want to do that though. I thought of using my oldest brother but the issue for me is that he looks just like my dad and I really don't want to break down and cry when i'm walking down the isle. I prob need to just suck it up.

And pamela, i'm not planning on having a wedding until 2013. He wants to get married but we're not engaged yet. That's pleanty of time to grieve the loss of my dad and I don't think that any amount of time would be enough to get over his death especially because he died before his time and I was so close to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Wed, 06-08-2011 - 1:02pm
This is how we did it the 2nd time around - our kids were both teens. We announced the engagement to my parents together around a holiday meal.
For the ceremony DH walked in and stood at the front, then his son came down the small aisle, then my daughter, then me. His son had the rings, my daughter had flowers.
We all lit the unity candle together, all 4 of us. That was almost 4 years ago.

Last night DS17 had returned from a couple days at his bio-mom's house and was laying on the sectional with us watching TV. DD19 pounced on top of him when she got home, kidding him and showing her appreciation for him. It has worked out fine and they are definitely "brother and sister" now.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 5:57pm

It is funny you ask, because I always just pictured myself walking down the isle by myself. I don't know, I am 43 and SO is 47 and if we get M it would be my 3rd marriage, so if the day ever comes, there will little resemblence to tradition.

I already had one courthouse wedding and one traditional wedding. SO has also had a courthouse wedding, and they renewed their vows in a traditional wedding.

It is really what ever you are comfortable with.

My big kids lost their dad when they 8 and 11, so I don't know what my DD will do when she eventually gets M.

Good luck with everything!