How many....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
How many....
23
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 12:14am

Just wondering how many people here truly had the intention with the first marriage as "death do us part" or it was going to be "forever". A friend of mine said that she went into her marriage vowing to not ever take her ring til the day she died. I thought this was sort of odd - not saying that you marry to divorce, but...lol. Maybe those are the only thoughts that would make a marriage work or are they just naive? I'm not sure?

I mean I went into mine w/those thoughts (not quite wording along those same lines) but I also learned that when it comes to marriage, you are still only in control over one person - which is you. Just curious how many here went in w/those thoughts on the first marriage & if anything has changed with your thoughts going into the second?

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 9:45am
I had those thoughts going into each of my marriages. My first marriage ended because my ex decided he no longer wanted to be a husband/father and he walked out. My second marriage is going much better than my first. I actually feel a lot stronger about the whole to death do you part this time around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 10:24am

I agree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 10:36am

Yes, I completely agree - it takes both w/that same mentality.

My X-H, originally told me he never wanted to be like his own parents w/multiple marriages etc. As a matter of fact, I can remember us doing laundry together & him saying --- I will be miserable for the rest of my life before I will divorce.

Well - how ironic that he brought up D only a few mos. after we were married & he was the one who filed etc. Now he's working on his second marriage.

So --- I guess not only do both people have to have these same thoughts - but they also have to be more than just words as well. So for me, I don't know if I will ever trust anyone when it comes to that - even if they say it & there would seem to be reason for them to mean it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 12:57pm

I went into my first marriage believing it would last "happily ever after".

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 2:22pm

Just wondering how many people here truly had the intention with the first marriage as "death do us part" or it was going to be "forever".

I didn't really have this mindset with the first marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 3:47pm

Thanks for that insight Chia - there's a lot of wisdom in that post. It's funny b/c I was just thinking about that earlier today - you are right - even w/the best marriages that endure time - at some point will end through the death of one spouse or the other. It's funny how that fact seems to often get lost within the whole idea of marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 3:55pm

Yeh - it's crazy how much we do learn & grow over the years & through relationships. There really should be more education when it comes to these major life decisions rather than people just having to suffer to through their bad decisions - lol. Many are so limited just b/c of their family, environment & what their exposed to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 6:12pm

I was convinced that my first marriage would be forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 11:21am

This is a very interesting question...I know for me, I absolutely took those words/vows to mean what they said and more...I consider myself a serious person by nature (not a rule breaker) and to me it was completely devastating to have to break that commitment/the vows b/c like mentioned by another poster my ex decided he didn't want to hang around and work on the marriage b/c he had already moved onto someone else...I couldn't fathom how that could actually be "possible"...oh how naive...I felt it was our job to "work it out" not just run away b/c it was too difficult...In fact, I really only believed that divorce was an option for things that were more extreme...(abuse etc.)

Fast forward 7 years and with a lot of help/different perspectives from the boards that have

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-25-2011 - 1:36pm

Yes - I also didn't really believe in D unless it was extreme - like you said - abuse etc. So yes, when my XH filed for D, I was sort of in shock - b/c I really thought we shared those same beliefs & values - or I wouldn't have married him! I mean - who really gets married to get D as they say....

But I think the huge thing people tend to forget - is that relationships/marriages are really about TWO people & not one. So IMO - and why I think my D was so devastating for me - was b/c I really had no control over this other person - what they were doing, how they felt etc. So in essence - in marriage - it's a total loss of control. It's like the parents you are born to - when you have kids etc. It's like - the part of life that you lose control over. Like in my case - even when you verbally agree & are on the same page w/someone - it doesn't mean that those things can't or won't change on any given day. I don't feel that I am a control freak - I know there are lots of things in life that you can't control - life w/total control is just as insane as life w/out any control - BUT for me - I know being in a situation where I don't have control over how my life is defined, what's in my life etc. then it doesn't feel too good & I have no desire to go back there. I don't like the fact that someone has the ability to say --- well I want a D & you just don't have any real say or choice the matter - so you have to be D'd too ---- lol.

But I at least know that I can draw the line here & I don't have to remarry where someone else has the ability to dictate certain things in my life. I'm glad that others still can move on & trust that all will still be okay at the end of the day or whatever - lol - but I just don't. I know that whether I'm alone or not has nothing to do w/whether I marry or even have a "standard" relationship again --- it simply has to do with whether I feel like being bothered w/people that day - lol. I'm fortunate to have 3 children from my marriage that I feel at least 2 of them, I will have a close relationship w/for the rest of my life. I wish I could say all 3, but there's always a wildcard in every bunch - lol - and I am wise enough to know now that is another thing that I have little to no control over.

I still have some things to sort out in my life - but for the most part, I'm very thankful to my ex-marriage that I know what I've been through and where I don't plan on going back to. If I find someone else that can relate & is on the same page as me & it "just works" then that is great - but if not, I'm not going to try and force anything just in order to try to hold onto something that isn't meant to be mine - even when I truly think that it is. I've learned, lol - I come first. And I'm much more happy & at peace today than I have ever been w/any of it. I still suffer from the D due to us having kids and yes, there are still feelings there about the whole situation, but I've started to move away from things & get to a place of acceptance - but it has taken YEARS & I'm still not fully there - and even if I do - there will always be a scar.

As far as the romantic verses realistic perspectives - my X & I were totally opposite in that way. There's nothing wrong w/either - and yes - I see both points - the point of saying I stick w/it no matter what & the contract side of things - there is truth in both. My X was the romantic in our relationship - although I thought we both agreed on marriage being a one time thing - in the end, I see we didn't. Differences make a relationship interesting, but it seems as if we are attracted b/c of differences in the beginning but attack each other on them by the end.

For those that see marriage as a contract or let's just say "business" - b/c that's usually what they are - I think there should be a new standard for those in society where they aren't as blurry b/c of the whole "marriage" concept - w/"petals, flowers, "love" etc. Love is/can be forever - but marriage or relationships end when needs aren't being met etc. But yet - we associate love & marriage when the two really have nothing to do w/each other - HOW CONFUSING is that sh*t?!

I hope people really start to redefine what marriage means in their lives & future generations don't have to go through all this confusion & suffering around things. I'm not quite sure how or who came up w/these things, but it's definitely time for some light to be shed on it - lol.

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