How many years?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How many years?
11
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:53am

I have a question for every one.

PAMELA

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:30pm
A little less than two years between separation and remarriage (We'll get married in 3 weeks). I think this is more meaningful to me, rather than length between when the divorce is final and remarriage.

My soon-to-be DH and I have been going through counseling. I didn't have a good communication w my ex in the prev marriage, my DF's was even worse. We both really wanted to make this work no matter what and we feel that neither of us have ever had a good model of marriage/relationship from either of our parents or from our past relationships. I'm reading relationship books that our counsellor suggested fervently. I feel that I've grown a lot personally in this relationship that I've ever been in my life. I know that my DF has also been making a lot of efforts to understand a different perspective from me. Trust me, this is a very difficult thing to do for two very-stubborn adults ...lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 4:31pm

I do believe you, because my bf and

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 12:43am
Hi Pam & All-

I've been seperated from my first dh since Jan. 2004, our divorce will be final in Sept 26, 2004. I am planning on getting remarried in 2006. I've known my stb dh since we were kids and now 15 yrs later we're back together .

Tami

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 3:49pm

Well, between the first and second marriages there was a committed relationship from which I got my son. My 1st divorce was filed after I was with my son's father. It was final within 2 weeks of his birth. My 2nd marriage was when my son was 13 months old in '83. My 2nd divorce was final three days before my 3rd marriage in '85.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:36pm
I might have spoken for him when I said we both didn't have a good model of relationship/marriage. I know I didn't, but I can't remember that he'd ever acknowledged that his parents didn't provide a good model for him, in terms of communicating with each other, resolving conflicts, etc. His parents were divorced when he was 8 or 9, his dad remarried and got a divorce on the second marriage after 9 years of marriage, his mom remarried and after 9 years of marriage seems to be doing ok. He said he didn't remember that his parents ever fought before they divorced. His mom raised him and his sister by herself (she didn't remarry after all her kids finished college) and so growing up, he didn't have ANY model of relationships, good or bad. He never saw how two adult parents could communicate, resolve conflicts and remain loving. This probably explains why he stuck to his first long relationship (which ended in a 9-month long marriage) as long as he did. (Hmm..., I just realized that his parents marriage, his dad's second marriage and his first long relationship lasted 9 years. Coincidence?) From what he told me, he and his ex didn't have good communication... you see, this is the type of relationship that he's accustomed to all his life! I read in one of my relationship books that people tend to pick a mate with whom they could re-create the world that they're accustomed to.

In contrast, my parents didn't get a divorce BUT they fought ALL the time, at least that's what it felt like growing up. I know that when they're not fighting, they're just tolerating each other. My ex's parents didn't get a divorce, but they NEVER talked, they belong to the very traditional Asian culture where men are king, women serve their kings. My ex thought that type of marriage was ok for him..... HA... of course!! I obviously wanted my marriage to be very different.

My df's parents are very nice people and they love df very much. And I think this is probably why df wouldn't even consider that his parents had anything to do with his lack of skills/knowledge to good communication in a relationship. The problem is df has PhD in his pocket, and I got the impression that he believes everything could be resolved by logic. Luckily, he's also adventurous and open-minded, that's why he agreed to 'explore' counseling. Recently, he and I discussed whether we should continue counselling, he said that it had helped a lot so he'd like to have more sessions. Anyways, as long as our goals are the same, I have faith :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 9:03am

WOW!

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:19pm
Hmmmm - a lot of time has passed.
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:13am

IROTFLMAO!

PAMELA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:24pm
"Involved" is probably too strong a word - it was more than a "fling" because we weren't seeing other people, and it lasted over six months, but it was not an emotionally committed relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:31pm
lol... after my ex and before my df now, I was actually briefly involved with a guy 7 years younger than me. He's very smart, extremely good-looking (he's a body builder with a face that resembles Aidan Quinn) ..... with a maturity level of a 3 year old... LOL

He was so depressed when I broke up with him and he became angry when he found out that later I started dating DF. He harrassed me, asking me what on earth I saw in DF, saying that DF was not nearly as good-looking as he was, etc. I knew I made the right decision breaking up with him!

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