How much do you hide from your spouse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
How much do you hide from your spouse?
10
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 9:58am

My second husband and I are struggling with a basic trust issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 10:55am

When I was married to my 2nd DH, we had this discussion about how if you could tell your spouse what you were doing, then there was no reason not to trust them--it was when you felt you had to hide things from them that there was a problem.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 2:53pm

From my pespective, there is a difference between hiding, and discussing things that are none of the other persons concern.

I don't mention every time I talk to my xH, as it is just not necessary.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Tue, 10-19-2010 - 5:28pm

I am going thru the exact same thing with my husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 11:18am

My DH and I were both cheaters before we met, so we do not hide anything or keep any secrets.

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 4:09pm

Maybe your DH means that since they have not had any kind of physical contact (if that is true) he has convinced himself that he's doing nothing wrong, however, I would not feel comfortable if my DH or partner contacted a woman that often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 4:30pm

Serenity, thanks for your perspective.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 7:35pm
I know it is easy to jump to the worse case scenario.

Sorry, I can't see your post from this view, but if there is inappropriate behavior, (was it texing female coworkers?) then that too, might need to be talked about.

What do each of you deem appropriate, or not?

Any text or conversation with a coworker should be able to be in front of you. Doesn't mean it has to be, but there shouldnt be anything to hide. (unless is like client, confidential stuff)

Good luck and let us know how it goes...
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 6:53pm

I think a more accurate description of the problem would be, "What is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 11:16pm

My first reaction to the subject question "How much do you hide from your spouse?" was nothing. What is the point? I am working to be more open with someone not to remain private. (one example, I believe that all passwords should be disclosed etc.) In many ways, i want to be with someone who knows me better than i know myself.

the only thing i would see as private would be therapy visits. but i'd probably end up disclosing what i learned from a session even if i feel that the exact words are private.

Lunches with the opposite sex should not be private..... That sorta thing would come up in conversation.. "how was your day?" "oh, i had a meeting at such restaurant" or "a couple of us got lunch somewhere". Sometimes the most interesting thing in my day is what i had for my dinner break. But then when you see the statement, you wouldn't be surprised to see a restaurant on the bill or he could say "that was the meeting i mentioned, remember".... that kinda thing. If i was concerned that he was buying someone else's lunch... (which i would be, we're fairly broke at the moment). It wouldn't matter to me what gender for which he was buying lunch. if he paid, it should be an open topic.

Phone records are not private... Granted, i wouldn't expect someone to grill me daily, who did you call, what is this number... but i do believe that this information should be available. i think if two people trust each other, then neither would grill the other person. I trust that my SO will share any information that is important to me. and vice versa.

All things in the dark come out into the light.

if i thought of something that i'd want to "hide" from my SO, then honestly, i just wouldn't do it.

Also, if i just didn't think something was interesting to share and i didn't share it.... that is different than deliberately hiding. And if the other person felt it was important and i forgot to mention it, my reaction would be appologetic. "sorry, i didn't think it would interest you, but next time i'll share it". For me, in the long term, if i felt like someone was hiding things from me, i feel the relationship would begin to deteriorate. Things that are hidden would drive the couple apart. Why hide from each other when you took a lifetime to find each other. I want to be in a relationship of trust and openness.

Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Fri, 10-22-2010 - 8:53am
if i thought of something that i'd want to "hide" from my SO, then honestly, i just wouldn't do it.

That's exactly how I feel. Too much deceit the first time around, and I will never go down that path again, either myself or my partner. Pam

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.