how to share bedrooms in blended family

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2013
how to share bedrooms in blended family
10
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 3:51pm

Well, as I type this, I wonder if maybe it should have gone under blended families but, since it may be a HUGE issue for my marraige, I'm posting it here.

This is second marraige for DH and myself. We are almost to the 3yr mark. My son and I moved from our home town, where he was born and raised to  DH house. It was tough for my son initially (and I suspect in some ways still is). Fortunately, we were able to give all the kids their own bedrooms initially (we gave up a hobby room) eventhough SD and SS are only here 50% of the time. However, it looks like we may be downsizing homes and 2 kids may have to room together. I know to most people (DH included) it makes more sense for the boys (13/15) to room together but I disagree. SKs share a room at their mom's and always have so it wouldn't be a new thing for them. My son however is the oldest, has always had his own room, already "took a hit" to move here, and demonstrates a HIGH need for personal space (SKs do not, they tend to be more "clingy" to us). The 2 boys shared a room for a year when a relative lived with us and oldest hated it...they are VERY different kinds of kids one too mature for his age and the other immature for his age so not as close as we had hoped. DH still thinks the boys should share or we will have to turn a "living space" into bedroom space for another kid. We are already downsizing so losing additional living space is not an option for me. I feel we lose 1 bedroom and living space 100% of the time for SK's who are here 50%. I'd like to see SK share (most likey the biggest room). Am I being unreasonable?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 1:31pm

Hi Vegas!

Do I understand correctly that you currently have your own two children at your home, and your SO is moving in with his 4 children?  

Unfortunately, I can't read your post as I am typing this.  I have to use Chrome at work to be able to post on the boards, but it has lots of quirks.  

Unless you want your teenager to have their own entrance, I am guessing the 5 year old would be in that room. Unless you do some remodeling, but the exterior room you are describing sound like it could be perfect for your kids they start college.  

So, are their 4 bedroom PLUS a master bedroom, for a total of 5 bedrooms (including the exterior room)?

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2013
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 10:04am
I will soon have 6 children living in my home. SO has 3 daughters; 15, 11 and 8. His son is 5. DS, 16 and DD,10 have their own rooms now, but DD shares a bathroom with me. My dilemma is that the 4th bedroom is quite large, but can only be accessed through the master bedroom or by using a staircase off the back of the house. There are 3 full baths upstairs and a 3/4 bath downstairs. How can we arrange the kids so they don't feel crowded? SO wants to be in the 4th bedroom with me. Nocking down a wall and taking out one of the closets on the master seems a bit extreme to me. I don't want to make the master bedroom smaller, but we need to find a way to fit everyone into our odd floodplain.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 12:28pm
Great idea laurena!
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 8:10pm

Quote:

 He felt like SB followed him around and he had no place to "get away from him".

FWIW---

If I were in your shoes, I'd advocate for my son's own room also.

a.  The SK's already share at moms' 

b.  My son didnt ask to blend families.......I would honestly do all I can to give him a little space.


Glad your DH is semi-agreeable, anyhow :)

ALSO...(FWIW also).......re: "nothing permanent".....with my kids, I had them rotate every 6 months....(3 kids/2 rooms---so each would have 6 months out of 18 months a room by themselves)---------but, they were all the same sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2013
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 2:49pm

Thanks Serenity. I've been absent a while because I had so much trouble logging in after the change. I missed the support so finally had to create a new account in attempt to return...thank gawd it worked! I just wish more people posted.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 1:38pm

Again, remember it doesn't have to be permanent.  

Sounds like your DH is at least willing to hear your side, which is a good thing.  I hope the younger two are okay sharing a room like they do at their moms.  

This won't be forever, as your DS will potentially either move out, or maybe live on a college campus.  I hope you stick around and keep posting!  Remember that our posts help those who lurk, too.  Smile

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2013
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 1:25pm

Thanks for your perspective ladies.

I have talked to my son, rather...he has talked to me. He expressed that he hated sharing a room with SB when he had to. He felt like SB followed him around and he had no place to "get away from him". SS is VERY quiet and reserved and son is VERY outgoing. SS tends to stare at my son which drives my son crazy. I think he does these things because he had no real contact with other kids other than at school prior to my son and maybe looks up to son. Son and I have talked many times and he has tried to take SS under his wing so to speak but it really hasn't changed things as SS isn't able to hold up his end of the relationship so to speak. DH and I talked...argued....talked. I think we both understand now this is a non-negotiable for me...and while he isn't happy (doesnt' necesarrily agree), seems we will be able to work it out.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 1:15pm

Welcome!  

Boy, this could go either way.  I am torn on this one.  

1.  Should the oldest get their own room?

2.  Should boys and girls be separated?

3.  Should the full-time child get their own room?

4.  Do part-time children "deserve" their own room?

Ugh!  My instinct is yes, the male/female siblings should not be sharing a room.  But, one could argue that it is a cultural thing, and maybe to some it isn't that big of a deal.  

My DD13 shared not only a room, but a queen size bed with her Step-sister 12.  SS was full-time and my DD 50%.  

Sorry, I am just torn.  The good part is that none of this is permanent.  It is not like you can't try it one way and then change it, KWIM?  Good luck and let us know what happens!

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 8:39pm
Hi Pumpkin-- WELCOME! No, I dont think you're unreasonable. I WOULD be a little more concerned re: the SK's being boy/girl having to share a room---but if they do at mom's, what's the deal with doing it at dads? And esp if you do have a larger room, can you get some sort of divider for partial privacy? What I did when my 2 boys shared room --it was large room...anyhow, I took the two bureau's and put them back to back between the beds as a sort of divider /wall so when they were lying in bed at least they werent staring at each other On the flip side, if the 2 boys *do* wind up sharing, at least it's your son's "alone" 50% of time when other boy is gone............. I would hate to see this be an "me and my kids against you and your kids' argument........but I do think (esp because of the sharing at mom's thing,....PLUS,.....1/2 of bedrooms for his kids--1/2 for yours= 1 for his 2, 1 for your 1...........that makes sense,also.............................. ..........one thought: Have you talked with your son on how he feels about it? But, ....honestly---I'm with you on this. Again, I wouldnt want to tear my marriage apart on it----but I do think it is a wiser decision over all---especially if it's important to your son. I'd consider talking with him about it somehow and get a better feel for his feelings..........
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 10:56am

I tend to agree that if SKs already share a room at their other home and are used to it, it shouldn't be that big a deal and that the kid who is there all the time (if he is) should have his own room.  My kids would only sleep at their dad's EO Sat. night and they shared a room there, even though they are boy/girl with 6 1/2 yrs age difference and they had their own rooms at home.  There just wasn't another bedroom and their DSS who lived there all the time had her own room.