Hubby Makes No Time for Me or Our Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Hubby Makes No Time for Me or Our Marriage
12
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 11:52am

Been married for less than 3 yrs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 3:07pm

Sorry to hear you are going through this situation...Just wondering what the situation was like before you married him...Did he give you reason to think things would be different?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 3:19pm

i just wonder what the situation was like before you got married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 9:40pm

"I definitely didn't enter into the relationship w/o seeing if my SO could live a life seperately from his kids" <<< Hi Bella. I have a question for you about this (because I was in a very similar situation to Nat in my last dating relationship). I think this was my problem with my boyfriend. When he and I DID have time alone together - it's almost like it wasn't "enough" - he would pine for the kids and I just felt like I wasn't meeting his needs - only his kids can/would meet his needs. You know? I truly don't think my ex-boyfriend HAD a life outside his kids, other than his work.

While I truly believe that FAMILY is the most important thing in life ... I have limits to how much I am willing to indulge children - and I *do* believe that we need an identity OUTSIDE of our family as well!!

I really do want to find a man - but at my age of THIRTY FIVE - there seems to be a LOT of baggage out there! I'm just wondering what it was that showed you your SO could live a life separately from his kids!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 3:18pm

Hi CD- I think my SO had come to the realization that part of what made his marriage fail was that he chose the wrong partner and then ended up living his life through his kids...He has said that he realized there was a big chunk of his life missing b/c he knew that he should be enjoying things in his life (either for himself or wth his partner) and there was none of that, just living a life devoted to his kids b/c he had nothing in common with his ex (except the kids).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 9:17am

Hi Bella! very good answer :-) Thank you for taking the time to answer my question!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 2:06pm

Hi and welcome to the board.

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 2:49pm

Hello Nat!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Thu, 11-04-2010 - 4:10pm

Wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 11-06-2010 - 9:29am

Wow---

With so little time together---I'm also wondering, "how did you get to the point of marriage?"-------

If he's truly spending "all" of his available time with his kids and excluding you (or expecting you to just do whatever he's got planned with the kids, as though you're just some inanimate object he's dragging along--not taking your considerations into account or anything, so it's not like a "family" situation)--plus nil on sex life, .......what is there to stay for?

Is your DD with you most of the time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sun, 11-07-2010 - 6:52am

I was dating a man that was very much the same - very KID-focused. It seemed like affection-wars between the two houses. I don't even think that my boyfriend loved his kids so much, but more that he NEEDED his kids to love HIM MORE than they loved the other house. You know? It is a very strange divorce dynamic.

My parents split up for a few years and got back together. I specifically remember my Dad not being around much at ALL when my parents split up! So I'm always surprised at men who really WANT to be with their kids so much.

I honestly believe that even *I* was a part of my ex-boyfriend's attitude towards the "other" house. I think *I* was being used to be sweet to his kids - to make sure the kids wanted to be at HIS house more - and to be pretty and smart so his ex-wife could see how much better-off he is without her. But ultimately - he was completely wrapped up in the "other" house - and it was never about "us."

I didn't nag about it at all - I just basically decided it wasn't for me. The situation isn't in my best interests. It's funny how when someone decides to marry a man - they marry the entire SITUATION - the family, the ex-family. And even though this boyfriend had some REALLY great qualities, ultimately - the negatives outweighed the positives.

So ... I'm hating being SINGLE right now - truth be told! But it's better than being in an intolerable situation. I'm divorced, and just got out of that less than 2 years ago - so I might as well wait for the RIGHT guy to come along!!! ... Standing with my hands empty ... waiting for God to fill them.

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