Husbands

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Husbands
10
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 3:47pm

  I finally can say dh's and my life has finally settled down somewhat.  With 7 kids between us, there may always be "something" that arises, but recently, things seem to be somewhat peaceful.  We are far from "over" with the younger 3, but until March, there is nothing that can be done with DSS19.  Dh paid off his hefty DOT fines only to find out he isn't eligible to get his license back until March.  Sooo...there he sits...in our basement...no schooling, no job...zero.  Frustrating to say the least.  Luckily, he has found some friends, so isn't home at night all that often.  But, actually...that isn't why I am writing today.

Yesterday over my noon hour, I went and bought all new cat supplies.  I had a cat when I was single and dh forbid it to come live with us as he HATES cats and hated the way my cat shed (yes...he was a long hair) and dh thinks all cats pee on carpet and ruin a home.  I have ALWAYS loved cats and have pretty much always had one and have recently started to miss having one.  (Long story short, my cat went to live with DD27 and died several months ago of an enlarged heart.  He was only 12 and was the best cat ever.)  Anyway, dh, I think, has finally conceded, but I still fear his reaction tomorrow when I tell him I'm going to go to our nearby shelter and adopt a cat.  I've been VERY honest with him and told him I'd been thinking of getting another cat for a while. Tomorrow is "National Adopt a Pet" day, so I find it an appropriate day to do so.  I found a 3 year old cat on the shelter's website who sounds perfect for me as I don't want a kitten.  I want a ready-to-bring-home cat who has all her shots and is declawed.  Dh is the "overdramatic" type who has told me in the past if I brought a cat home that he would leave.  I told him that if he ever wanted a big dog (which we can't have anyway since we live in a condo and it's not allowed), that I would be fine with that because I knew it would make HIM happy.  I told him that when you love someone, that you want them to be happy, so why should one spouse tell the other one what to do??  (My ex also hated cats and that's all he talked about in marriage counseling was how I disrespected him every time I brought home a cat.  I didn't talk to him before I'd bring one home knowing he'd say no and, in my opinion, who was HE tell ME what I could and couldn't do in my own home?)  I just hope dh loves me enough not to get too upset tomorrow.  :(  I'm very excited to be getting a new cat and yet I fear what it might do to us.

Any thoughts?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: serenity1986
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 7:48pm

So cute!  They are hard to resist.  Embarassed

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 5:33am

  Can you see my picture I tried to post?  Obviously, I got my baby and yes...dh and I had MANY discussions about this beforehand.  I just don't think dh really thought I'd "go above his head" and go through with it...EVER.    I am thrilled, he is not, but I think he's already coming around.  Last night, I let Donovan (I may change his name, but for now, that's the name he came with) run around for 2 hours, then put him in his kennel to settle down. (Actually, I was tired and need to lay down! ) After about an hour, dh went over to the kennel and took him out and played with him. Seriously, how can ANYONE resist a kitten??  You'd have to have a heart of stone!  (Ok..I was born a cat lover...I admit it.) 

Telling dh Saturday morning wasn't fun, but I brought up all the items I've caved on before and I wasn't going to do it again.  Having a cat again was too important to me.  Dh even said he and his son will let Donovan play during the day while I'm at work (dh works out of our home), so that was nice.  I truly believe he'll get attached once he sees I won't let Donovan ruin our house.  He DOES have claws and jumped on our couch 3 times last night and we were not happy.  I'll be getting him declawed as soon as he's old enough, so need to go buy a scratching post today. 

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 1:45pm

Okay, dying to know how Saturday went?  From your follow up post it sounds like you two did fully discuss this before hand.

Waiting.....

 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 8:28pm
Hope things went well :) I completely understand the "empty nest" thing,...and also how cats are good re: being able to leave for a day or two. I think a little dog would be WONDERFUL for when we are home----companionship, playful antics,...AND encouragement for me to get out and WALK ---EVERY day!...........but we like to be gone too much... :( .....wouldnt be good....... Anyhow..........BEST WISHES!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 9:08am

  Funny you should mention Christmas as I had had the very same thought!  I even thought about naming my cat "Misty"..short for Mistletoe as I consider her my Christmas present to myself.  And, it IS true...there's nothing that would make me happier right now.  Of course I've psychoanalized myself as dh even asked me last Saturday night if there was something missing in my life that I felt the need to have a cat and I said yes, but didn't say why.  I think I have.  My cats were my "babies" before I had children and now all my children are grown and gone out of the house, so I have nothing to love and cuddle and nurture (besides dh of course and he's not ALWAYS cuddly).  I was hoping to have grandchildren by this point, but I don't and even if I did, they wouldn't live around here anyway.  So, yes...a cat will fill that void in my life that's been left by my children leaving.  I suppose I'm suffering from empty nest syndrome, huh??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 9:02am

  Dh knows I will expect him to do nothing in regards to MY cat.  HE just thinks ALL cats pee all over and shed and he doesn't want a cat ruining our condo.  So, I will do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't.  I've had several cats in my life and only ONE ever peed on carpet and furniture and I got rid of her.  I need dh to know that most don't.  His problem is that when he was married, his wife had 2 cats who DID pee all over and she didn't take care of it, so their house stunk.  He'll see that that won't be the case here.  Actually, I've already filled out the adoption papers the humane society has when you adopt a pet and it asks if there is any reason why you might need to return the pet and I answered honestly...YES...if it pees on my carpet or furniture.  The cat I'm looking at is 3 years old, so should be very well litter-trained.  Wish me luck!  Dh is still sleeping, so I haven't told him I'm doing it today yet.  I'll let you know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 8:56am

  To answer your question...yes...we have discussed it many times...as recently as last Saturday night.  The conversation ended up being more about what love is.  I told him MY feeling is that when you love someone, you want them to be happy and having a cat makes me happy.  I know having a cat makes him unhappy, but his SMOKING makes ME unhappy yet I live with it every day.  I told him since we met that I have surpressed the "cat lover" in myself and I have to be who I AM.  He knew I liked cats when he met me, so I feel by not allowing me to have a cat, he's making me be somebody I'm not.  My girls knew this when he wouldn't allow my cat to come live with us and they haven't had warm fuzzy feelings towards dh since.  They KNEW it wasn't ME not bringing him to our home...it was HIM. 

Dh had a girlfriend of 8 years who he lived with for 4 who had a dog and I always tell him he let HER bring HER pet into his home and our condo is as much mine as HIS.   He defends her dog saying she was a good dog, blah, blah, blah...Dh and I HAD agreed that we would get a small dog when the time came we were both ready for a pet, but we don't have a backyard since we live in a condo and neither of us wants the work of a dog.  Cats are MUCH easier.  We also like to go away some weekends (especially in the summer) and you can't leave a dog alone overnight like you can a cat.  My 3 best friends all have cats, so I know I'd have a cat sitter when we decide to ever go on a vacation.  He knows I would expect him to do NOTHING in regards to this cat.  My hope is that the cat is so loving to him that he won't be able to resist it.  :)

I never mentioned this before, but we had a huge fight back in August as I was switching cell phone services to please HIM (he hated my DDs' and my big cell phone bill).  So, I changed and my DDs remained with their carrier, but it caused BIG problems between me and DD21,  Anyway, after being with DD21 and having a fight with HER, I came home and ripped into dh telling him that since we'd met all I'd done with give into HIM (joint checking account, where we went on our honeymoon, and not letting my cat come live with me).  By not standing up for myself and constantly giving into him, I'd become unhappy and resentful of him.  He had been noticing my almost constant unhappiness and I told him THAT was why...HE is very strong-willed and I'm a people pleaser, so tend to give in, but then become resentful.  So, I told him I can't do that anymore.  We made up, so I think all will be ok because he HEARD me.  The day after the big fight, he texted me that all he wanted was for me to be happy and to "go get a damn cat" .  lol  He also said last Saturday night when we talked about it that if I was going to get a cat to rescue one and go to our nearby humane society.  I assured him if it pees anywhere but the litterbox,  it will go back.

Maybe we pet lovers should choose other pet lovers as mates. I should have learned my lesson the first time, huh?? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 11-10-2012 - 7:42am
My thoughts: Given your situation, I'm afraid in any/all future disagreements, he will throw this "cat' thing in your face................and have the effect of yet ANOTHER issue to disagree on......... I think Serenity has a good post, and I agree re: Is there any reason you couldn't say to him tonight "remember our discussion, tomorrow is adoption day and I have found a cat that is perfect for us." I get feeling you have talked, but not necessarily agreed? Is that correct? ANOTHER THOUGHT: Christmas is coming.................can you make this a "all I want for Xmas is a kitty" ..............make me happy by getting me a kitty..............so that HE"S actually CHOSING to get you a cat as a gift?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 7:18pm

My 2nd DH was a pet person--I definitely am not.  It's not that I don't like animals, but I don't want to have to take care of them.  My DH had a dog when we first met but he gave it away--I never asked him to, but he lived about 40 mins. away from me & it would be hard for him to stay at my house.  I actually thought that it was not the best situation for the dog to be home alone all day in a crate with no one around anyway.  He also had a cat that he brought with him when we got married.  Then a year or so later, he really wanted to adopt a dog from a shelter.  I went with him and the shelter people are saying "everyone in the family has to be on board with adopting the pet" and I'm thinking "there is no way that I want this dog."  It wasn't even a kind of dog that I liked--I either like Golden Retrievers or Labs or smaller dogs.  This one was a German shepherd--it wasn't cuddly at all.  But he was out of work cause he had been hurt so I went along with it.  I think you need to make sure that your DH is on board before you get the cat.  Is he really agreeable to it now?  I know you said you want to make your partner happy, but you want a cat & he doesn't, so if you were making him happy, you'd go along with not getting a cat.  I also agree that a cat is less trouble than a dog--you don't have to walk it and it doesn't bark, but it does leave cat hair all over the place.  Maybe he won't care as long as you do the vacuuming & clean the litter box.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 6:19pm

So, without picking sides here, your DH did say, or didn't say, that he was at a place where he was okay with you getting a cat? 

I am just wondering if this is one of those things where you have been mentioning, or hinting, that you want a cat again, but DH didn't really think you were bringing one home.

Personally, I feel (especially ) if one spouse doesn't paticulary like pets, it really should be discussed and agreed upon before bringing home a pet.  (maybe you have already done this) 

In fact, just the other day, my DD12 was talking about how she wished we had a cat.  When she left the room, my SO said "I just want to be clear that this is something we would talk about first, correct?" 

So, I don't know Starting.  I am not really a pet person.  Granted, a cat is easier in some ways, but I would not be a happy camper if my SO showed up tomorrow with a pet without me knowing.  But again, if you already agreed, than that is a different story. 

Is there any reason you couldn't say to him tonight "remember our discussion, tomorrow is adoption day and I have found a cat that is perfect for us."  I get feeling you have talked, but not necessarily agreed?  Is that correct?

Granted, if my SO had a dog that was the love of his life when we met, and for whatever reason he couldn't bring it to my house, I would be more inclined to accept that he is, and will always be a dog person.  And would probably be more inclinced to give in to his request for a dog.  We had custody of his "kids" dog for a while and he tore up the yard and house.  I still find dog hair two years later after we had to give him up.  So admittedly I am a bit negatively biased.  But I do know that SO has had a few different dogs over his adult life, and the day may very well come again.  Sigh.....

Not sure if I was any help, but so glad you posted!  Will be anxious to hear what happens.  Kiss

Serenity