I don't like my step daughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
I don't like my step daughters
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 6:42pm
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man, whom I love very much, for the past four years. We have just celebrated our first wedding anniversary, and I am seriously considering getting divorced. We have five children between us, he has two daughters 22 and 19 from his prvious marriage and I have three, two boys 18,and 10 and an 8 year old daughter.

My three children live with us, and his daughters live on their own. Both have children, both are on welfare, neither has anything beyond a grade nine education, nor do they have the motivation to do anything productive (like work). Both girls lie constantly so nothing they say is credible. They seem to have no aversion to manipulating the truth to suit their purpose. They are the only two on earth who have had their phones cut off without notice, of having been evicted despite paying rent, having their utilities cut off for no reason, or of having birth control fail repeatedly. They always have excuses, and my husband almost always beleives them.

None of this should bother me, but it does. Over the years these two have cost me a phenomenal amount of money and stress. I work almost 80 hours a week to provide my children with a decent standard of living (yes there a few perks), not to pick up the slack for these two girls and their children. They come from a well to do background, and have been given numerous opportuities and advantages, but have chosen to disregard them. Both girls feel that welfare is their paycheck for having had children, and that nothing else is required of them.

As it stands, my husband and I pay for any extras for his grandchildren. I resent this because it is expected, and there is never any thanks. Because my children are close to the age of one of his grandchildren, things that I plan for my younger children, automtically include his grandchild. I don't have a big problem with this but unfortunately these occasions include his daughter as well, who we have to pay for also.

At points and time when I have been especially stressed, one of his daughters has invited herself over for dinner because she had no money or food. I have objected, but did not feel that I could really say no because of the child. The same is true of times when either one of them has asked for money.

Past situations with both of the girls have created a great deal of strife and on-going resentment. At one point one of the girls bragged to both her mother and my husband about how rude she had been to me. When my husband asked me about it, it was a real eye opener to him to learn that this was the way she always treated me.

There are things that I tolerate because my husband is a great step-father and my children love him dearly. They have already gone through one family break-up and don't need another. He is a wonderful man and I feel that we have a good relationship overall. Our biggest issues always surround his daughters. I am tired of spending money on providing them with essentials like food, housing, and utilities. They chose to drop out of school, have children with no fathers and go on welfare. They have both been given numerous opportunities to better their situations, and both have chosen to do nothing.

I guess my resentment and hostility towards these two is evident. I love my husband, but I don't know if how I feel about his kids is stronger. There have been points and time when I almost wish I was single again so that I would not have to deal with them. Will this get better or should I quit now before we get in deeper, like having another child?

Avatar for skisgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 11:13am
I do understand.

Except I had to deal with an XW who refused to work and my H felt as though he had to take care of her for it.

I see it this way, grown women should be self-supportive. I told DH that I didn't work to support his X. She was strictly living off of the child support, which meant the SDs had nothing.

I put my foot down and told him that I refused to have my H support her and if he continued that I would not marry him. (This was a month before the wedding.)

I don't usually believe in ultimatums, but in this case I think one is in order. Tell him how you feel, get some couples counseling, and tell him if things don't change you will leave and mean it. I think a counselor would support you on this one.

Good luck...I know it's rough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 12:21pm
I have a question first - (Don't take this the wrong way. It may help explain things...)

Why did you marry him knowing about his daughters? You've been together 4 years, yet still married him last year.