I finally did it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2009
I finally did it...
8
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 3:50pm
I finally asked my hubbie (2nd marriage) for a separation. WOW, it feels good and a little bad...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 01-05-2011 - 11:25pm
Hi Angeleyes--

I'm thinking you wrote another post with your situation---and this is an update? (except I cant remember your situation?)

Please refresh my memory!

Welcome....!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2009
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 12:18pm

Mentally & Physically exhausted 15 Posts 11-02-2010 11:05 AM I am in a second marriage (I have three kids form 1st marriage and hubby has two kids from his first marriage.) We have been married since 2004 and going to marriage counseling for the past year and a half and it did not work. I am currently going to individual counseling because I am physically and mentally drained and want out of this marriage. We had a huge arguement last week and we are suppose to be "talking" about it this weekend (when there are no kids around.) The arguement basically ended with "maybe we should try a seperation." Our marriage problems are about finances (I am a saver and he is a spender.) His credit cards have been shut down and he is only paying the minimums on them. I bailed him out once and all he did was rack them back up, so I refuse to help this time. One thing I am thankful for is that we have kept our finances seperate from day one. I own the house we live in and he pays his bills, I pay my bills and we both pay our joint expenses. Another issue are our kids...he doesn't agree with the way I raise my kids and tries to step in and intervene, I have never interferred with the way he has raised his kids (even though I don't agree with some of the things he does.) I have been sick for the past year and a half (breaking out in hives) and I am finally on a medicine that is working. A lot of people have told me it could be stress. All I know is that I am at the end of my rope and just want the marriage over. I have been depressed for years and I finally have had enough and want to move on with my life, be happy again and focus on my kids. I think he knows I mean business this time because he has never heard those words from my mouth before. I feel like I am his cushion and that everytime he needs help or money I am there but if the roles were reversed he would not be able to help me. The major fight we just had was because we wanted to go to Florida over Thanksgiving break and he expected me to pay for the whole trip (7 people) and I said absolutely not. I said I was done enabling him to spend first and then try to pay back in dribbs and drabbs...and that's when the fight started. I am just tired of always being there for him and feeling like he is not there for me. Signed, Tired & Fed Up

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 12:37pm
Thanks for re-posting. I remember that quite well.

I have been D twice, and the second one was really hard to come to the place where I could make that decision. The idea of being D by my mid-thirties was a tough pill to swallow.

Like you though, it was a big relief.

Are for sure getting a D, or are you two going to try MC again?
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2009
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 1:26pm

I agreed to go for marriage counseling again but I told him I want to put a time limit on it,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 4:36pm
Congrats and big hugs to you. I think having some sort of time limit is good, at least you'll know in 6 months if you made progress enough to re-commit to another 6 months, or to finally just walk away. Good luck. I know what it's like to be in a very draining r'ship and sometimes, the best thing to do is to walk away. Regardless of what happens, at least you can say you gave it your all.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 4:53pm
And you both really have to want to make it work. I have found there is a difference between going to make it work, and going so you know you did all you could.

Me and second xH separated and went to MC, however it started as really wanting to make it work, but morphed into me just at least knowing I did all I could.

I was then able to find clarity that I could not be his W any longer.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 8:48pm
Oh, yes....I remember now, also...

((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) to you!

I dont doubt you feel a relief----you've been carrying alot.....sad/scarey, too, as it's not what you "want".....but feeling like you're doing 110% of the giving, and he wouldnt be there for you if you needed him-------that's just not the definition of "marriage" most of us have..............

(((((((((((more hugs)))))))))))))) to you !! !!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2009
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 8:45am

Thank you every one.