I read this today ...
Find a Conversation
|Mon, 04-04-2011 - 12:24pm|
This is what I read today - and I want to ask some questions about it!!!
"The belief that you can change a partner in a relationship is troublesome enough; if you think you can eventually move into the number one spot in your partner's life if you “put up with” your partner's children, think again; once a parent, always a parent. If you are determined to be number one, you should not be a stepparent."
First of all - I am 35 years old, divorced, and not a parent. I LOVE kids - but do not want any of my own. I am an aunt and a Sunday School teacher - and I don't want to be portrayed as if I don't love and enjoy children - but at the same time - I'm very dedicated to my work and I don't really feel like having kids of my own has ever been a priority for me! I got married very young and I was with a person who partied and drank and gambled and I never felt safe enough to have kids with him!
ANYWAYS ... I was dating a person with three kids. They were great kids - a bit unruly and possibly a bit over-indulged (he definitely had disney-land daddy syndrome) ... but they were fun in a lot of ways and I enjoyed my time with him and his kids. I don't want to get back with him - because it will never work - but I wonder if I should even DATE a guy with kids - and will I ever be able to understand this relationship - what it feels like to be a parent. You know?
I DEFINITELY felt like I took a MAJOR back seat to his kids. And the quote above says, "If you're determined to be #1, you should not be a stepparent." With my ex-boyfriend, (after about 6 or 8 months or so) it started to become clear that he just "wasn't that into me." you know? Like ... I couldn't get a hold of him on the phone (I REALLY HATE THIS! Is that so unreasonable?) and he'd cancel dates with me last minute to do stuff with his kids. I TOTALLY understand they come first - but like ... WHERE exactly do I get to fit in???
I think maybe I feel disparaged - like ... now that my first marriage is broken up - MOST guys at 35 have kids by now --- so does this mean I end up always playing #2 from now on and forever? Does this mean I get shirked off for all of the other more important things in his life from now on??? I just really wanted to be important to him, you know? And it was quite clear that I wasn't. Why WOULDN'T I want to be his #1? I think I just don't understand that statement. Feels like I just get the left-overs from now on :-( I get super frustrated to think that my first marriage I came second to alcohol and gambling and - what can I even expect from a second marriage? Seems like a pretty bad deal, and I feel really discouraged about it :-(