I really have no clue!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
I really have no clue!!
13
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 8:32am

I am in a relationship with a man and we have been together almost a year.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 9:26am
Ugh, yes....and ((((((((((hugs))))) to you------..your feelings are normal!

You're placed into a position even worse than a "mistress"---with a "mistress", presumably the guy WANTS to be with you, he just wont divorce his wife ........in this case, he not only wont divorce her----but he openly admits he'd chose to be with her if she'd take him!

RE: changing his plans with you in order to take the kids for his wife---mine did the same thing a few times that first year or so we were together, and I felt like you did as well---. Then, well after a year of dating, my SO offered to come to my place a week when I'd be out of town to take care of my pets---I hadnt asked, he openly offered, so I said "OK". THEN,...hah...a week or two later, he tells me his exW wanted him to house sit for HER that week when she was out of town, so he wouldnt be able to sit for me/mine. and...YES!...I told him the EXACT same thing-------if he wants to make her his first priority, he needs to just go back and REMARRY her, as I had no intention of being with a guy who put his EXwife before me!
(honestly---if I had ASKED him to pet sit, and THEN he renigged, I'd have felt like maybe I shouldnt be upset about this---but he OFFERED---then renigged , because of exW's whims and "entitlement"...)but I digress....

In your case, unfortunately he IS still married-----and there could be any number of reasons why this is. OBVIOUSLY He has been "leading you on" or, at the minimal, not being fully truthful with either himself nor you-------he's NOT fully available for a relationship with you or ANY woman, and it's pretty pathetic that he has been acting as though he is, and you've been falling in love with him as though this is true..........

There was someone else posting on here just recently in very similar situation, so it's not uncommon at all---ugh.

MY GUESS why nothing is proceeding---this is "working" for them as it is----he's available to her 24/7, .....eg will drop his plans to meet her needs.....yet, for whatever reason, he's not living with her and she's fine with that..............................for him to move into being a "fully available" man to you----> he's going to (by default) become "less" available to cater to her whims-----> and, ...ugh...my guess........--> this isnt going to go real well, at least in the beginning.

Your situation (well, his situation, but yours, too, if you're still with him) is going to get ALOT worse before it gets better-------

ESPECIALLY if/when she starts associating his relationship with you in conjunction with his being less available to her----> what happened here, was exW then started feeding the kids that dad had a "new family" and "didnt want " to see them (kids)---MEANWHILE, she was systematically DENYING dad access to the kids each and every time!

ugh..it was awful...........

I just dont have a good feeling about this...................

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))and ((((((more hugs!!)))))))))))))

I wish these guys wouldnt think they are ready for a new relationship just because they packed some clothes and started sleeping at a different location.........there's ALOT more "separating" that needs to go on----emotional stuff, and then the whole legal stuff--------> and this guy hasnt even started the process yet!

ugh ugh ugh.....

I think all you can do is be HONEST iwth him re: your feelings (e.g, feeling second best based on what he's said, NOT being happy that you're in a relationship with a MARRIED man, etc.......he might as well know this stuff----because HE is the one with the power to change these things, KWIM?).

If I were you, I guess I'd think seriously about telling him simply you arent willing to date a married man. It's up to him what he does/when he does it, etc. But telling him what your bottom line is --and sitcking to it--is an important thing for him to know.

Obviously, he's "OK" with NOT calling a lawyer, because he can still see you to the degree he does, and he's OK with it all enough to not do otherwise. Is "losing" you enough to get him going on following through? who knows-----but do you want to stay involved with a "married" man? Because that's really your only other option......better to just put that out there for him to decide how to deal with......, not?

ugh...((((((((((((((more hugs!!)))))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 11:42am

I think this is a good advertisement for not getting involved w/ a guy who isn't legally divorced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 11:57am
I am so sorry, but I think you need to back away from the situation. Are you two living together? Yes, you are second fiddle. He sounds very attached to his WIFE - he still has a WIFE.

Some states have legal paperwork to make a separation official - but in my state you just say you're separated. No paperwork involved.

When my boyfriend told me that he's like to date me seriously, I said, "Let's hold off a bit, and let me get the divorce papers going." And I did. Very next day.

Your guy is not serious about you. I would end it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 12:14pm

I guess I am glad that others are seeing that I am 2nd choice...I was worried I was making that up in my own head...He has told me why they split and the W does have a SO, or something like that...My head know what I need to do, but I am having such a hard time with my heart following suit...I guess I am afraid of loosing him and I know you may think what do you have to lose, but he is very good to me and does treat me well in all other areas...Thank you for all your imput!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 1:43pm
Do you guys live together at the moment?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 1:47pm

No, we have our own households...He has been talking about moving in together once he started his divorce...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 2:55pm
Phew! That helps I'm sure.

I'm just wondering if he does do the divorced, if the emotions will be severed as well. He is quite emotionally involved with her still, even if she is not reciprocating at his level.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 4:32pm

Do not move in w/ him before the divorce is final--you never know how long it could take and it could complicate things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 9:58pm
---No, we have our own households...He has been talking about moving in together once he started his divorce...---

Yes!!---Ditto on the nixxing this one!!


So what do you think his reason is for not moving forward with divorce proceedings?
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 12:08pm

Oh mom, unfortunately I have experience with this.

Serenity

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