I think Hubby has unrealistic expectations!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
I think Hubby has unrealistic expectations!
48
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 6:15pm

We have been together 11 years, married almost 4.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 6:20pm
oops! type-o, we've been married almost 7 years!!!! (not 4)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 7:35pm
I'd tell him that it is his turn to stand sideways in the mirror so I could point out his flaws... and then I would. Ruthlessly.

Are you aware that his behavior is abusive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 7:55am

This makes me very sad to read this :-( My father is this way to my mother. Even though my parents are still together, and I am grateful that I am not a child of divorce, it has truly affected me in my life - to know that my dad's love for my mom is conditional on her weight. :-( When I was young, my mother had plastic surgery for my father about four times. You can imagine how I feel about plastic surgery now, as an adult!!! My mother is wonderful and has so many gifts - she is possibly a little pudgy (I would guess she weighs 160ish and she is 5'4"). I honestly wonder if this is why I've never had children - I am too afraid that I will not be loved if I lose my body! You know? It is a very real and deep fear. I love my dad - but I would NEVER want to be with a man like that :-(

The last guy I dated occassionally asked me to step on the scale for him to see how much I weighed. I WOULD NOT DO IT! UNDER any circumstances!!! My dad often asks my mom to weigh in front of him :-( It's disturbing to know there are so many men like this. At least I can say - about my ex-husband (who was an alcoholic!) - at the very least ... he NEVER said ONE THING to me about my weight! He's actually re-married now - and the woman he is married to has probably 100+ pounds on me!!! My ex-husband (although ultimately a coward and a big schmuck) at least never made me feel like his love was conditional on my weight!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 10:46am
" One certain way to kill a mood is to point out a woman's "flaw" when she is naked! "

You're not kidding on that one!

ugh!

How is he otherwise? Geesh! "Let thee without sin cast the first stone"----is this guy flawless------hah! obviously not---sure doesnt know how to be supportive to a partner!

I dont know.........I can beat myself up enough on my own re: my body, .......I sure dont need someone else doing it for me!

So...........let's just say you DID decide that ----for your own sake---you will work at losing the 3 lbs------> is he going to be supportive of you or is he wanting to sit there with his bag of chips and expect you to eat celery all day long? (somehow, I'm guessing this is just one instance of how unsupportive he is/can be?-------) (and you say you're already very active----is he going to join a gym with you? Or is he willing to spring for the monthly fee for a gym ?)

ugh....

its actually starting to make me feel a lil insecure......wondering IF, when i am 55, he'll leave me because i dont look 30 anymore - and go after some 25-30 year old!
----------------maybe you need to have a discussion with him on this----lay this right out in the open.....?

Regardless------I'm SURE he's not 100% perfect himself-----(if he was, he wouldnt be critical IN THE WAY that he is!)--------------------I guess you can either tell him to go bark up a different tree, and ignore it all----or you can drag him to a counselor to work through whatever "issues" are underlying this all...........or....??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 11:01am

This makes me so upset to read this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 1:45pm

We are BOTH members of a gym and we have a cardio machine at home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 4:04pm

You could be right about the porn, esp. if he's looking a pictures as opposed to videos--I don't suppose men buy magazines any more now that everything is on the internet, but doesn't he realize that 1) those women are fake since most of them have had surgery, unlike most women and 2) the photos are airbrushed anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 4:57pm

He is a very handsome man (many say he is a "pretty boy") and i am 6 yrs his senior, but one would never guess that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 12:27am
So how long has he been saying this?

I would say as plain as day, "Please stop asking me to loose weight. I am fit, active and athletic, and my body mass index is completely healthy. I plan to take care of myself and keep up my appearance like I have been, but your request is unreasonable."

Then any time he brought it up (that would be ballsy!) I'd just up and leave the room. Do not stand sideways in front of a mirror for him any more. it seems you go along with his asking (you to look in a mirror ) and then engage in a debate with him. I'd stop that all of those things.

Then let's hope that this will pass!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 05-06-2011 - 8:08am
Hi Debbie--

This isnt really the same, because this is a BF, not HUSBAND of SEVEN years..............but, I thought of you when I read it just now (from Dear Abby column today):

DEAR ABBY: I am an over-50 "cougar" who has a boyfriend who's not happy with my looks. He loves all the other aspects of our relationship, but he wants me thinner and prettier. I'll never look 30 again. What do you think I should do? -- BARB IN RENO
DEAR BARB: Change boyfriends. If yours doesn't like you the way you are, face it -- your romance is on the downhill slide. Of course you'll never look 30 again. But what's important is how you feel about yourself.

My answer might be different had you said you wanted to be thinner because you thought it would make you more attractive. Please give this some serious thought while you still have a healthy level of self-esteem -- because the longer you're with this man, the more it will be eroded.

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