I want a fresh start, but hubby doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
I want a fresh start, but hubby doesn't.
4
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 1:02pm
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. This is his second marriage and my first. Presently, we are living in the same home that he and his first wife shared and I am very uncomfortable with this. I just feel that there are too many reminders of his past with her and I want so desperately for us to have a fresh start. When we first got married, he told me that we would have our dream home very soon. Last month, we began looking for a new home and we picked out one that we both liked. He seemed very excited about buying the house until this past weekend. Well, now he is saying that he wants to wait about five more years before we buy a new house, and now he has decided to spend thousands of dollars fixing up the home we presently live in. I told him that I don't want to waste money on fixing this house when we could be saving that money towards our dream home. When we first got married, he said that we would only be here temporarily, but now it seems that I am stuck in this house forever. We both have good jobs and there will be no problem with getting another home, but for some strange reason, he doesn't want to move. He seems very happy living in this house, but I am tired of living in someone else's shadow. I was so excited last week thinking that we were getting ready to move.

Am I being too pushy? Any advice on similar experiences is greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 7:06pm
I agree with you. You should find another house. When I married my husband he lived in the same house that he had ahared with his ex-wife, but to help our relationship he changed jobs and moved into another house so I wouldn't have to live in the ex's shadow. I was uncomfortable for a little while because I felt that I couldn't do anything without asking his permission first. He understood how I felt, so he made the changes.

Now, we still have the house, but we DON'T live in it. We rent it out and one of these days in the way future of course.....lol I won't mind living in it, but for now it is just a rental..

If your husband loves you and you can afford it I would try to make some changes for both of your sakes.


M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 7:23pm
I hope he/you go ahead and get a new house to start fresh in. There is nothing worst than living in a previous occupied home by another woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 12:59pm
I feel for you because you married this man in the hopes that you would not have to live much longer in that house. I would explain this to your DH and let him know that one of the conditions for marrying him was to move out of the house. I would do a cost-benefit analysis and explain to DH that there are few home improvements that will provide the highest return on investment. Then, I would tell DH that a compromise you are willing to live with is to do like the other post says which is to rent out the house you live in with the idea that one day you and DH may want to move back in. Of course, the whole idea is to eventually sell it, but this method might be better for your DH because it slowly gets you both what you want. You do need to ask him WHY he is getting cold feet all of a sudden. Maybe he just needs to vocalize his fears, and wishes, etc. to you but he knows that if he told you that he misses the good memories of the house that it would hurt your feelings. You need to placate DH and let him know that the past is the past and that you do not want to take away any of his memories. But you are focused on building a future together and that means being able to move forward and not let the past paralyze you.

My DF was somewhat attached to his house because it was the house his girls knew since they were born. But once his ex-w decided that she wanted the house back, then he realized that he was better off staking his claim elsewhere in new territory with someone who was willing to stand by him. That was more important to him than the house. Now, his ex-w is looking for a bigger house because she is expecting and she is gaining a step-daughter. So, the whole idea of getting attached to a house becomes quite insignificant when you look at the bigger picture.

Good luck. Don't act defensive and be more curious as to why DH is getting cold feet when he was appearing to be fine just before. Act concerned for his well-being and you may be able to eventually get what you want. Take it slow and take his feelings into consideration. Maybe he just wants proof that you will not change once you guys move into new surroundings. Maybe he is afraid that you will turn into a different person once his control over your surroundings is gone. Buy a book on changes and explore these changes together in order to get a better understanding of where each of you is coming from. I hope he appreciates that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 10:51am
Our situtation is somewhat reversed. My df has moved into my house. I only say my house to clarify that he moved into the house that my ex and I shared. My name may be on the mortgage but it's our home. I'm not ready to move. There are many reasons. Financially the time is not right. I also have two kids to consider. My son was two when we moved into the house, he doesn't remember living anywhere else. My daughter has never lived anywhere else. I don't think that it is in my childrens best interest to move them from a home that they are comfortable with to a new home, new neighborhood and possibly new schools. They have had to adjust to my df and their dads girlfriends. I say girlfriends because he has been through several over the past two years. If the shoe were on the other foot I'm sure I would not want to live in the ex's house. I'm just very lucky that my df understands my feelings on this subject. I like to think that I would be just as understanding. My df and I have agreed that in about 2 years we will buy our own home. In the meantime we are making changes (small remodeling, repairs) to our house to try to make it ours. I hope that making these changes together will help my df feel like its his home not my ex's.