I'm the SECOND WIFE, not the Wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
I'm the SECOND WIFE, not the Wife
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 8:52am
My mother in law will be visiting again soon. Time to beat myself senseless until I go deaf. She continually calls me by my husband's ex-wife's name. She also maintains a relationship with this woman. There are no children. My MIL sends her birthday and holiday cards and talks to her on the phone. Her and I speak on the phone a few times a year. His ex cheated, lied and stole from him and his mother knows this, yet she chooses to maintain their relationship. If someone treated my child like that I would write them off forever. My husband was p.o.'d when my MIL complained to him about not receiving a birthday card from HER recently. My husband realizes that there is nothing he can do about their relationship, but I think he feels betrayed because they are still somewhat close. I feel like the runner up in the "wife competition" when my mother in law is around. I guess I'm just venting trying to prepare myself for her visit. GRRRRRRRRRR.
Avatar for skisgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 12:33pm
Same situation here...

My MIL is actually on her way here to visit for about 10 days. She hasn't called me by the X's name, but talks about her fondly to me. It urks me, but I can't tell her who she can have a relationship with.

Your situation is more difficult being that the ex hurt your H. But my MIL will usually take X's side rather than her own son's and that upsets me.

Feeling some of your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 04-17-2003 - 7:39pm
Oh boy! Do I ever know where you're coming from! I just finally met all of my new husband's brothers and sister and although he was the one abused and neglected, I am treated like the pariah and home wrecker!

Of his 4 sons, (and they're all married w/kids,) one has refused to let me even enter their home! So Easter will be just him and me - no kids, (okay grown up kids) no grandkids. My own son is a "federale in training" and lives down South.

But what I've learned is this - strong women - and WE are the strong ones - are resented and envied by the ones that we see as strongER. Why else would we be upset by MILs and DILs and SILs who continue to try to make OUR lives hell????? The in-laws' lives are out of whack because of our new relationships. Their status quo is undone. Tough. They'll get over it.

Glorify your relationship with your husband. Rejoice in your new love and let everyone know how happy you are - RUB IT IN - gently.

My DIL thought if she were mean to me my DH and I would separate and he would go back to his ex. Live with your new love - not his family.

Hugs ~


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 9:56am
It's weird. I think my closer in laws prefer me over the ex, but I'm not sure about the mother in law. I do rub it in. It's the only way I can maintain my sanity. It's like when she talks about the ex I have to work into the conversation some fabulous trip that my husband and I went on and what a great time we had. She talks about the ex's new job. She finally got a decent job after working minimum wage jobs for years. I talk about the business that I own and run. The more she glorifies the ex the more I have to talk about myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 11:24am
I can relate! My SO's family listened to his ex and all of her lies. He even told me that "she can have my family." Doesn't that just break your heart? And piss ya off! So, that's why I've allowed his sister some ground on saying those things....because I wanted an opportunity to dispute lies AND I also told them (his mother and sister) how I could NEVER and DIDN'T choose someone's ex over a family member. That's your brother....son.....in my case, that was my sister. (I'm loyal to family...LOL). I didnt' say it daringly....just off hand like....could you IMAGINE, my sister's ex wanted us to side with HIM! Geesh....what do they think! It's your BROTHER....it was my Sister. Huh....some people. Believe me, it took a lot of restraint. I actually like them a lot. We are now going to just tell them directly, we don't want to hear about her. We've decided to be a united front and just not hear it. What would happen if you and your husband just said that? "You know mom....I don't really want to know. No offense, but we really don't care." Something like that? If that's a no go....I completely understand.....kill her with kidness and kisses!

Good luck!

For the record, I don't care if my SO's family keeps a relationship with his ex. I expect them to keep a relationship because of his son. That doesn't bother me at all. She was part of their lives for years. I don't care who they are friends with. But....I certainly don't want to hear about it. ;o)