Insecurity In Second Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2014
Insecurity In Second Marriage
3
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 5:20pm

I'm currently engaged to a wonderful man but I'm beginning to have some thoughts and feelings that I'm concerned about.  He's 48 and I'm 40.  It will be his third marriage and my second.  He has two children who he adores and I have three.  He has made it very clear that he has no desire to have more children.  I originally agreed and I'm not saying that I definately want more but I'd like the option of having a child with him.  Have a child with a man is a very bonding experience.  My ex was and is a horrible abusive man.  My children haven't spend time with him besides court ordered counseling in three years.  I just thought one day I'd have a child that had a wonderful dad and this man is a wonderful dad.  I'm also concerned that we won't have the bonding of a couple like one does when you have a child.  I guess the feeling of "why would he stay with me" had entered my mind A LOT lately.  He says he loves me and that is why but let's be honest sometimes love isn't enough.  He also has told me (and now regrets saying it) that his first wife was the best sex of his life and his second wife didn't enjoy sex and it was more like wrestling.  He and I have fooled around but have not slept together due to religious reasons.  I'm concerned that I can't measure up to great sex and giving him children.  I'm wondering what's the point and maybe I should just walk away before I end up homeless in a strange town.  BTW I'll be selling my home and moving 1000 miles away to marry him.  We'll be living in the house he shared with the baby momma for ten years.  Am I crazy or is it normal to feel this way???  He thinks I'm over thinking things but I've been crying on and off for almost a week over this.  Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 4:21pm
Hello, I don't think you are crazy; I do think that you are insecure about where this relationship is going and what situation you will be in after the marriage. I am not sure that your idea of having another child as a "bonding" experience is borne out by what you are telling us. This man has obviously not "bonded" with the mother of his children and you clearly didn't bond with the father of yours. You should probably consider that the bond in a couple is less about whether they have kids and more about whether they are suited for each other. Regarding sex, it is always a bad idea to think of yourself in comparison to someone else. It is not a contest among wives and past wives of this man. (And keep in mind that great sex or not, he is no longer with his first wife.) Also, consider that you and he will be developing a new sexual connection--just make sure you communicate about what you are doing, want to do, etc. Forget about those other women and think about how you and he can make it work. Lastly, I wonder if what you are looking for is assurance that this relationship is going to work. No one can give you that absolutely, but have you thought of talking to your pastor (since you mention you are religious) or a counselor? Sometimes talking with a third party can be very helpful. Good luck. Dabby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 4:21pm
Hello, I don't think you are crazy; I do think that you are insecure about where this relationship is going and what situation you will be in after the marriage. I am not sure that your idea of having another child as a "bonding" experience is borne out by what you are telling us. This man has obviously not "bonded" with the mother of his children and you clearly didn't bond with the father of yours. You should probably consider that the bond in a couple is less about whether they have kids and more about whether they are suited for each other. Regarding sex, it is always a bad idea to think of yourself in comparison to someone else. It is not a contest among wives and past wives of this man. (And keep in mind that great sex or not, he is no longer with his first wife.) Also, consider that you and he will be developing a new sexual connection--just make sure you communicate about what you are doing, want to do, etc. Forget about those other women and think about how you and he can make it work. Lastly, I wonder if what you are looking for is assurance that this relationship is going to work. No one can give you that absolutely, but have you thought of talking to your pastor (since you mention you are religious) or a counselor? Sometimes talking with a third party can be very helpful. Good luck. Dabby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 01-31-2014 - 4:21pm
Hello, I don't think you are crazy; I do think that you are insecure about where this relationship is going and what situation you will be in after the marriage. I am not sure that your idea of having another child as a "bonding" experience is borne out by what you are telling us. This man has obviously not "bonded" with the mother of his children and you clearly didn't bond with the father of yours. You should probably consider that the bond in a couple is less about whether they have kids and more about whether they are suited for each other. Regarding sex, it is always a bad idea to think of yourself in comparison to someone else. It is not a contest among wives and past wives of this man. (And keep in mind that great sex or not, he is no longer with his first wife.) Also, consider that you and he will be developing a new sexual connection--just make sure you communicate about what you are doing, want to do, etc. Forget about those other women and think about how you and he can make it work. Lastly, I wonder if what you are looking for is assurance that this relationship is going to work. No one can give you that absolutely, but have you thought of talking to your pastor (since you mention you are religious) or a counselor? Sometimes talking with a third party can be very helpful. Good luck. Dabby