Isn't this unforgiving...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Isn't this unforgiving...
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 5:03pm

My second marriage happened 1.5 years ago with the man I met at work and started dating. I have to admit that from the beginning I had doubts if I will be happy with him in some aspects. I must also admit I had a warm feeling that he was from the same city in India I am from and we had a common touch of language/culture. Donno how stupid I could have been then thinking like this. But I later realized that I jumped into searching for someone too quickly without healing enough from first marriage wounds. I was in touch with my ex when I was seeing my current husband. But I had no physical relationship with my ex at all. In fact that was the reason for the first divorce. But I was speaking to him as a friend and used to ask his advice with matters like my job, buying furniture for my apartment. I knew it was wrong and I had to stop. But some strong force did not let me go. Unfortunately I don’t have any chemistry with him and could not go back to him! I continued dating this new man (my current hubby).

It was a good feel when it came to chemistry, kissing, making jokes, having fun going places etc. But in my hearts of hearts I knew that he and I seem to be differ a lot. He was a casual type and I was more serious type. So I spoke to him about some of these differences I saw we had, explained him that I need some time to take the next step. So I even had cried in front of Peets coffee one day explaining him I need some space and he should leave me alone. But that did not happen. We stayed close by and therefore he used to call me every evening for coffee or some times dinner etc and even though I was giving him reasons not to meet him everyday, I did not ignore him completely. So I kept meeting with him. But one day he found out I was in contact with my ex. He was very angry and shouted at me. I told him sorry and also that I did not have any sexual relationship with him (or anyone). So he became very tight from that day and started doubting me and acting weird. Sigh. So I told him we should stop seeing each other and I need some time, begged him time. I told him I will come back to him if I really miss him, I needed to find out that. This did not happen because I was not strong in my convictions and did not move out my apartment that was close to his. Later on, I myself felt sorry for what I did and again started talking to him thinking I will give this relationship a chance. I wanted to grow close to him both mentally and physical relationship wise. We started sleeping together but he refused to give me sex from day one. This hurt me and I kept telling him it is okay to have sex with safety measures. But he kept insisting he will not have sex before marriage. So I started to think what’s wrong with him. By this time we had grown very close (even though my gut feeling still told to leave him, I did not). Don't know why, maybe I told myself I will be lonely and will not find anyone better! I finally married him last Jan in spite of having a cold feet. I thought things will be fine, he and I will get to closer frequencies in communicating, daily balance of life etc. I told myself not to think negative about marrying him. In fact I became fine after a month or so after wedding. But the whole point here is that he is very weird when it comes to how he thinks about sex. He thinks I am still not 100% in love with him and therefore he cannot give me sex. In fact he has not given me sex so far. Yes, it has been close to 1.5 years now. His explanation is simply this: On the day of our register marriage in court, he showed me a text message in my cell phone. This text was from one of my previous date I had courted with (not my ex). But I was not in love with that man. I was in love with my husband who I was marrying. I did a mistake by responding to this text few days before marriage and it was something like I need to have a drink in a bar and let go of my stress before marriage. My husband totally got this wrong and thought I was flirting with my friend. I told him no I was not flirting, but yes I did feel like meeting him for a drink. I had no intentions to back out of marriage. I just needed a friend to talk to. My husband used this against me even after 5 months after marriage and he has not given me sex. After this episode, I became very depressed because he was punishing me with no sex. I explained to him I was not in love with this friend of mine but yes, I was wrong by saying I wanted to go have a drink with him. But I did not go! That was the point. I did not go meet him and my husband also knew this. In spite of this in his mind, he married me. I tried to seduce my husband and many many days we were fine and playing in bed etc. But still no sex! I was furious. when ever I asked him, he told me I had broken his heart because of that text message. This was after 6 months of marriage.

Later, I started to just do things on my own like studying for MBA to go to business school, I was also thinking of quitting my job last year around August. So I was just trying to forget about sex by not asking or pressuring him too much. But when he did not even for once come to me by himself, he did not say sorry baby, lets have a healthy sex life from now on, I was very pissed off. I started to kind of hate him for his brutal nature.
I then started to again ask some advice from my ex husband. Of course my ex is not intervening in my current marriage, he talks when I call him that’s it! He used to ask me if I was happy. One day I told him maybe I am not really happy. But he told me I hurried into marrying someone like this. My husband is very unforgiving and he has been doing this to me since we got married. He thinks I am not in love with him but my ex. I have even explained to him if I wanted to go back to my ex, I would have done it by now. I asked him to see the world a bit more leniently and to forgive me. At this point, I started doubting his manliness and took him to an urologist. But the urologist told me that my husband is normal but has some anxiety problems and not able to perform and that’s it. He suggested couple therapy. My husband had been postponing to make an appointment with a therapist too. But I am now seeing my counsellor alone. It is helping me.

So all these months my husband used my own actions against me and postponed having sex. And I know in heart of my hearts that even though I called up my ex 10 times, it was as a friend and I never had any intentions like what my husband thinks of me. He is simply jealous. I understand the jealousy for few days and weeks. But not for years. I am torn and broken again. My gut feeling is coming out to be true that I should not have married him in the first place. we keep having oral sex but there has never been an intercourse. Now, I don’t even feel like having sex with this man. I am dead. I am collecting strength to leave him because I don’t know if tomorrow he can punish me for something else. Should I not be leaving him now? I don’t feel like going back to my ex too. I feel I have to be alone now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 8:32pm

Well this seems to be a very unhappy situation--I guess you did realize that you married too soon & married the wrong guy. Now that you are married, if you wanted to stay w/ 2nd DH, I really don't think you should keep in contact w/ 1st DH (esp to ask him things about your marriage) even though I believe it when you say you are only friends and don't want to go back to him. I think it would only get 2nd DH more riled up if he found out. There must be other people you could talk to, like relatives or girl friends.

As far as the sex thing, if he doesn't go to counseling to try to solve this problem, could you tell him that you are going to get the marriage annulled? Do you have any desire to have children? Obviously you can't have them if he won't have sex w/ you. And I think that carrying the grudge about you texting the other guy shortly before the marriage is too much--how would people ever progress and have a good marriage if they carry around grudges about things that happened years ago? It isn't healthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 8:29am

Hi and welcome to the board.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Thu, 07-15-2010 - 9:01am
I cannot understand how a man can live with you for more than a year and never have sex. If he were normal he would not stand it, it is not possible unless he is having it with someone else. I would not wait even a week and annul such marriage specially that you do not seem to love him either. I cannot imagine what sort of life you have, are you living like roommates or neighbors?
You have a good reason to quit a marriage which does not ring right to you^ why to waste time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 5:08am

Yes, I agree to your suggestions. Thanks you all! I am right now in a hotel checked into a room this night. I could not stay with my DH without taunting him for what he did. Also, I realized that I am not going to miss him much if I stayed alone. I might sound harsh as a wife but I am seeing my own personality and discovering me now. Meaning, this I feel is a major transformation in me happening with my personal life. I was married to the first guy for 6 years and nothing nurtured on many ends, not to mention I had no chemistry with him at all. But the issue is I loved his free thinking nature, his broadminded thoughts and many other qualities. I am so unlucky that I did not share biology with him and I felt earlier in my marriage he was kind of controlling me (I was married at 23) So what happened eventually is we used to have arguments and he told no sex till our arguments are calmed down!
And the second marriage happened with a guy I dated for almost an year. But it happened at wrong time (I was out of a major surgery a month before my marriage where they removed uterine fibroids) I was begging for some more time but mom and my DH somehow convinced me to marry ASAP. Then I told myself everything is gonna be allright. I never imagined my DH would take a grudge or maybe he really could not give me sex thinking about one text message I had exchanged with one of my friends I was dating (met him 3 times) before marriage. This is so unforgiving. After we talked about it, I asked sorry, he promised me he will look after me well. He loves me a lot but from day one I feel he is selfish. I am of very sensitive nature and take things a little close to heart even when he makes humour sometimes. I cannot help it. He cracks jokes too often I feel. I am not that type. Anyways, I thought I can adjust to him, I in fact felt I was compromising few things and was still ok with it. But once he kept postponing sex, I was getting rage and furious. I lost interest finally because it was maximum oral sex. That's it. No intercourse happened and I am just not able to forgive him now.
I mean how am I supposed to react if he keeps telling me that i still have my ex in mind and love him more that my DH? It all happened becx last year I wished my ex on his birthday and got emotional plus I was kind of depressed becx I was deprived of sex in my 2nd marriage too. I only spoke to my ex because he is good in giving me some moral support when I need it. We were married for 6 years and he has thought me a lot to remember for my life. But I know it is a huge mistake talking to my ex. I then told my DH that it was my sadness and his attitude towards me that I am thinking of my ex for asking questions on MBA exams etc. But I never behaved different to my DH because I was thinking or talking to my ex. It made no difference to me with my DH. But DH was/is all mistaken that I never loved him (DH) and I still love my ex. I am now tired and fed up. I am also awakening from some dream I feel! I feel that I knew my guts were right when I married my DH last year- meaning I should have postponed the marriage! I am not able to live with myself knowing I am punishing me. I donno whats wrong with me. I dont want to go back to my ex either. I only know my strong sense and feeling that we have different wavelengths when we are together and its causing problems. I feel he talks more than he should, he cuts some silly jokes which he thinks i will love! Things like these plus no sex! It is all making my head reel.

I am thinking of renting my own place and moving as soon as I get a new job. I am taking some interviews now. Just keeping my fingers crossed that I will soon get a new job!

Scenario: my DH loves me a lot, he thinks we should start from scratch now that he believes me I am not talking to my ex.
Me: I feel I was used, I was given false hopes and he is not a bit broadminded. He has taken advantage of the very fact my first marriage failed (no sex). I am feeling since many months now my DH is not the right one for me.

What do I do now? He is making appointments for couple therapy next week. I am already seeing my counsellor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 11:17am

I'm glad to see mention you have a counselor .......

Your relationship with this man certainly doesnt seem like what I would consider a "marriage" to be.........regardless of the sex/no sex part....if he still has such trust issues based on something that happened pre-marriage, he most definitely has ALOT of issues, and you need some help navigating here.

Re: no intercourse, do you think he has some sort of ED (erectile dysfuncion) issues and not want to admit that to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 2:15am

Do we usually know if some major planet reassigning is happening for you? Do you believe in astrology? Why am I feeling that things happened out of control from my own hands? I feel I have to rethink now about taking my next steps in my life. I have started feeling strong astrology factors influencing me or whatever. Like last saturday, I just went and stayed in a hotel all alone. I just started preparing for interview I had coming this week. And guess what dear girl friends! I just got a new job! Yes, I have the offer on the table and accepted it too. I am excited about the new job I am about to start!

My problem is (as one of my friend tells me) I think too much! I know myself I do think too much, but I think about others too much than me. I think "what will my DH do/think if I leave him"? Now, given my situation maybe other girl would not give a damn about leaving her DH. I have waited so long, now my heart needs mending. I need to stay alone. I know it. But I am just not getting the courage to leave the house. Why is this? I mean, courage in the sense- feeling sad for myself and him. That way. I feel what will happen next if i leave? If I start getting phone calls from parents, in-laws what the hell should I explain? should I even take the call?

All i know is, that the passion b/w me and DH is fading and I feel I am with him now by force or pitying him. Maybe I am afraid of my future if I leave him. Again, I am thinking too much.
Help me- help me gain courage to leave him. I will come back to him if I truly love him and feel for him. Else no.

Is it okay to meet with old boyfriends now? I just need to talk to someone about life-deep issues, just general chat. 2 of my old boyfriends seem to be interested in meeting with me even though they know I am married now. I dont want to send them wrong messages, but I do feel like meeting them and talking. One even knows my marriage is not smooth. What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 9:55am

Is it okay to meet with old boyfriends now? I just need to talk to someone about life-deep issues, just general chat. 2 of my old boyfriends seem to be interested in meeting with me even though they know I am married now. I dont want to send them wrong messages, but I do feel like meeting them and talking. One even knows my marriage is not smooth. What do I do?

No, no, no, ...and no!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 07-23-2010 - 12:15pm

I agree with Laurena.

Whether it be old male friends, or new men, with rare exceptions it just makes the separation messier and more painful.

Generally speaking it is best to stick with people you won't be sexually attracted to during this time in your life.