Isn't this unforgiving...
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|Wed, 07-14-2010 - 5:03pm|
My second marriage happened 1.5 years ago with the man I met at work and started dating. I have to admit that from the beginning I had doubts if I will be happy with him in some aspects. I must also admit I had a warm feeling that he was from the same city in India I am from and we had a common touch of language/culture. Donno how stupid I could have been then thinking like this. But I later realized that I jumped into searching for someone too quickly without healing enough from first marriage wounds. I was in touch with my ex when I was seeing my current husband. But I had no physical relationship with my ex at all. In fact that was the reason for the first divorce. But I was speaking to him as a friend and used to ask his advice with matters like my job, buying furniture for my apartment. I knew it was wrong and I had to stop. But some strong force did not let me go. Unfortunately I don’t have any chemistry with him and could not go back to him! I continued dating this new man (my current hubby).
It was a good feel when it came to chemistry, kissing, making jokes, having fun going places etc. But in my hearts of hearts I knew that he and I seem to be differ a lot. He was a casual type and I was more serious type. So I spoke to him about some of these differences I saw we had, explained him that I need some time to take the next step. So I even had cried in front of Peets coffee one day explaining him I need some space and he should leave me alone. But that did not happen. We stayed close by and therefore he used to call me every evening for coffee or some times dinner etc and even though I was giving him reasons not to meet him everyday, I did not ignore him completely. So I kept meeting with him. But one day he found out I was in contact with my ex. He was very angry and shouted at me. I told him sorry and also that I did not have any sexual relationship with him (or anyone). So he became very tight from that day and started doubting me and acting weird. Sigh. So I told him we should stop seeing each other and I need some time, begged him time. I told him I will come back to him if I really miss him, I needed to find out that. This did not happen because I was not strong in my convictions and did not move out my apartment that was close to his. Later on, I myself felt sorry for what I did and again started talking to him thinking I will give this relationship a chance. I wanted to grow close to him both mentally and physical relationship wise. We started sleeping together but he refused to give me sex from day one. This hurt me and I kept telling him it is okay to have sex with safety measures. But he kept insisting he will not have sex before marriage. So I started to think what’s wrong with him. By this time we had grown very close (even though my gut feeling still told to leave him, I did not). Don't know why, maybe I told myself I will be lonely and will not find anyone better! I finally married him last Jan in spite of having a cold feet. I thought things will be fine, he and I will get to closer frequencies in communicating, daily balance of life etc. I told myself not to think negative about marrying him. In fact I became fine after a month or so after wedding. But the whole point here is that he is very weird when it comes to how he thinks about sex. He thinks I am still not 100% in love with him and therefore he cannot give me sex. In fact he has not given me sex so far. Yes, it has been close to 1.5 years now. His explanation is simply this: On the day of our register marriage in court, he showed me a text message in my cell phone. This text was from one of my previous date I had courted with (not my ex). But I was not in love with that man. I was in love with my husband who I was marrying. I did a mistake by responding to this text few days before marriage and it was something like I need to have a drink in a bar and let go of my stress before marriage. My husband totally got this wrong and thought I was flirting with my friend. I told him no I was not flirting, but yes I did feel like meeting him for a drink. I had no intentions to back out of marriage. I just needed a friend to talk to. My husband used this against me even after 5 months after marriage and he has not given me sex. After this episode, I became very depressed because he was punishing me with no sex. I explained to him I was not in love with this friend of mine but yes, I was wrong by saying I wanted to go have a drink with him. But I did not go! That was the point. I did not go meet him and my husband also knew this. In spite of this in his mind, he married me. I tried to seduce my husband and many many days we were fine and playing in bed etc. But still no sex! I was furious. when ever I asked him, he told me I had broken his heart because of that text message. This was after 6 months of marriage.
Later, I started to just do things on my own like studying for MBA to go to business school, I was also thinking of quitting my job last year around August. So I was just trying to forget about sex by not asking or pressuring him too much. But when he did not even for once come to me by himself, he did not say sorry baby, lets have a healthy sex life from now on, I was very pissed off. I started to kind of hate him for his brutal nature.
I then started to again ask some advice from my ex husband. Of course my ex is not intervening in my current marriage, he talks when I call him that’s it! He used to ask me if I was happy. One day I told him maybe I am not really happy. But he told me I hurried into marrying someone like this. My husband is very unforgiving and he has been doing this to me since we got married. He thinks I am not in love with him but my ex. I have even explained to him if I wanted to go back to my ex, I would have done it by now. I asked him to see the world a bit more leniently and to forgive me. At this point, I started doubting his manliness and took him to an urologist. But the urologist told me that my husband is normal but has some anxiety problems and not able to perform and that’s it. He suggested couple therapy. My husband had been postponing to make an appointment with a therapist too. But I am now seeing my counsellor alone. It is helping me.
So all these months my husband used my own actions against me and postponed having sex. And I know in heart of my hearts that even though I called up my ex 10 times, it was as a friend and I never had any intentions like what my husband thinks of me. He is simply jealous. I understand the jealousy for few days and weeks. But not for years. I am torn and broken again. My gut feeling is coming out to be true that I should not have married him in the first place. we keep having oral sex but there has never been an intercourse. Now, I don’t even feel like having sex with this man. I am dead. I am collecting strength to leave him because I don’t know if tomorrow he can punish me for something else. Should I not be leaving him now? I don’t feel like going back to my ex too. I feel I have to be alone now.