It Ended

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
It Ended
15
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 3:37am

I was in the roller coaster relationship. Too many ups and downs. He was too confusing. I thought I had it all figured out. I had told him all along that if he ever needed me I would be there for him. Now it came to me needing him and he wasnt there for me. I prayed for God to take over and do whats right for me. And he did. Cyclist walked out on me this morning. Said he wouldnt answer my phone calls or texts. I dont even know what I did to cause it. And truthfully I am quite tired of wracking my brains trying to figure it out. I think my conduct in the relationship was very good. I might have made a few mistakes but they were minor and he made plenty of huge ones (silent treatment).

But anyhow it ended. No future or marriage plans for me. Its sad and its a relief at the same time. Its sad that I only got to know you folks here on this board for a short time. Its a great board with supportive folks.

THanks for all your help with the abandonment issues. It was eye opening. I am numb and wish the healing process to begin.

Laurie

anonymous

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
In reply to: tsunami2008
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 9:01am

{{{{{{{{hugs!!}}}}}}}}}}} to you!


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
In reply to: tsunami2008
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 11:26am

Big Hugs!

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
In reply to: tsunami2008
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 5:38pm

I agree he does need his son for validation. But then again its not my problem. Its his. I have learned from all of this is that I can fix my issues and not someone elses. Its not my place to fix them or my problem to fix them. From now on I decide if I can live with thier issues. If not I walk. Thanks

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
In reply to: tsunami2008
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 7:26pm
:-( I am so sorry. the silent treatment is the WORST and it is SO SO WRONG. It is one of the "four horsemen of the apocalypse" (John Gottman's book) - in fact it is the last - "stonewalling" You will be better off - I am sure you already know that. But ... there is the healing that must happen as well. God is with you. He holds you in the palm of His hand!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
In reply to: tsunami2008
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 9:03am

Stonewalling or the silent treatment can be the death knell in a relationship.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
In reply to: tsunami2008
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 10:02am

I have to vent. I am full of emotions. Its all consuming me. I heard from him. He blames it all on me. He says I am the reason he doubts me. I can see why in a way. I hide things from him like my feelings. I hate to blame someone for my actions. But he makes everything in my life to be about him in some bad way. So I learned to hide things to avoid dealing with him. Like I posted my facebook that I need to run soon to deal with stress. He assumed it was he causing me the stress. And I get these 'God wants you to know' messages on fb. They are randomly generated. He assumed that I chose the ones that are saying something bad about him. He takes personal everything I say. So I learn not to say anything.

Then he doesnt believe what I say anyhow. I tell him the Gods honest truth and he wont believe it. Its almost pointless to talk to him because he wont believe me anyhow. I feel like I should make something up thats more believable than the truth just so he will at least believe me. But thats pointless too.

He asks me to do things that he himself wont do. Like the house. He doesnt want to sell his house and move in with me because he fears if we break up then he wont have a house to go to. Understandable. But he asks me all the time to sell mine and move in with him. So he is asking me to do what he himself wont do.

Then he says he doesnt like working through issues then going back to work through them again. Understandable. But when he still has issues we go back and work through them again. In other words if I still have issues I cant bring them up again. But he can.

And he can have his cell phone on during the night when he is at my house so his son get ahold of him anytime. Thats fine. But he wont allow me to do the same. Then once I left his house at midnight to go home to my kids. I asked before I left and he said it was ok. But days later I found out he was pissed and didnt believe teh reason I left. But he can leave my house in the middle of the night any time he wants. And have his cell phone near him too. Double standards.

I just have to get this off my chest. Then I can go on with my day hopefully without being furious.

Then there is the silent treatment. He ignores my calls for hours and days. Then says its because he doesnt want to deal with the issues or needs time to calm down. But what it is to me is the silent treatment and I feel like I am being punished for something I did wrong. And on top of it I dont even know what I did wrong. And when I try to guess what I did wrong I always guess wrong.

Then yesterday I emailed an appology to him. No response from him about it. He ignored my calls and texts. When I finally heard from him I find out I appologized for the wrong thing. And he tells me to just sit and figure out what i did wrong on my own. Well I spent the last few days doing this and I cant figure it out. Its like I am supposed to meet his needs without even knowing what his needs are. AARRGGHH!!!

Ok I think I let it all out. Thanks for listening. Thanks to the board for this forum to vent on. I hope its ok here.

anonymous
anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
In reply to: tsunami2008
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 10:43am

Feel free to vent away. I honestly believe it's healthy to get the feelings out, even if it's on this forum. Besides, you'll get a lot of reassurance that the best thing for you was to have the r'ship end. If he can't tell you what HE feels you did wrong, and EXPECTS you to figure out yourself, well, that is just childish. he should be mature enough to be able to say, "tsunami, I feel you did xyz and that hurt". Bleah.

Hugs to you. Be strong. Don't apologize for things you probably didn't do wrong. And by all means, do NOT waste anymore of your brain time and emotions trying to FIGURE out what he WANTS to hear you apologize for. If he contacts you, I'd probably just say, "I'm sorry for not being the woman you need me to be, but I need to move on". And take that first step to no contact. That's the basis of being able to truly move on....no contact.

More hugs. You deserve so much more. Just keep telling yourself that. And that X wasn't "enough".

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
In reply to: tsunami2008
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 9:31am

Yup, I agree with Cheryl.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: tsunami2008
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 11:26am

Laurie,

This is so not a good relationship. I've been there where I felt like I had to hide my feelings not to make the other person upset. It ends up just eating at you inside--you said that you felt stress. I used to end up feeling physically sick to my stomach & unable to sleep. My therapist said that I should listen to what my body was telling me.

My 2nd ex had a very suspicious nature too. He was cheated on by his 1st DW. I knew that I wasn't doing anything wrong and I know that intellectually he knew that I wasn't the kind of person who would cheat (I had been cheated on myself too) but it didn't stop him from being suspicious. But he would also twist things around that I said. Like one time, I said to him "I like the way you do X better than my 1st Dh." Somehow he turned that into saying that I liked my ex better than him, which was the exact opposite of what I had said. Right before we split we had this issue w/ health insurance & he wanted me to write a letter to his HR person, which I did, then he didn't like it cause he thought it was too "legal" & antagonistic, so I said "fine, you don't have to give it to them, you can talk to them yourself" and he kept on wanting to continue the argument. I said "I don't even know what you are trying to argue about--I already said we don't have to send the letter, you can do whatever you want. I'm agreeing w/ you and you're still trying to argue." So people like this don't make any rational sense. Of course, my ex is bipolar, so at least there's an explanation for this. I used to get these emails from a guy who had a bipolar support group and one thing he said was that it's useless to keep on arguing w/ someone who has a mental illness because they just aren't rational. So you are talking to them normally because you are rational and their brains are all screwed up so they can't respond like a rational person. Not to say that your BF has a MI, but he definitely has big issues.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: tsunami2008
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 1:30pm

Yes, absolutely vent away!

Serenity

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