Is it an engagement w/o a date???

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Is it an engagement w/o a date???
26
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 5:22pm

No, I am not engaged without a wedding date.

Serenity

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 5:42pm

Hi Serenity,



Your question is one of those things that some folks (like me) have an opinion that changes over the years and circumstances....



Back in mid to late 1980's, I worked in hospital (OB particularly) and "noticed" that any woman with a *serious* (read: sleeping together) BF who wasnt married, would term him her "fiance" (and vice/versa).

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 6:10pm

Answers.com says...



It means you are planning on getting married. I think you should date a long time before getting engaged---3 or 4 years is not too much. Then when you do get engaged, pick a wedding date and get on with it.



OK, answers.com may not really have all of the answers, but I got a kick out of that one.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 6:25pm

IMHO, it's still an engagement. However, I personally wouldn't go for it. I was curious and looked it up. The word, usually means betrothed (in the case of marriage and nothing else). And betroth means to arrange for the marriage of. So, to be engaged means they are arranging for their marriage.

Which is what I think. Like you, if you're engaged, maybe you don't have a date set at the beginning, but you want to set a date. I don't believe in indefinite engagements. Like you, if you're postponing it time and time again, there's usually a reason. Granted, I'm not going to say they fail all the time, as maybe that time needed is what the r'ship needed. But, if there's no foreseeable chance of marrying, then I don't see the purpose of an engagement.

But again, that's me. I'd either want to be engaged, planning a marriage soon, or not. If I was engaged, but realized I needed to postpone it because we're not ready for marriage, I'd return the ring and tell the guy we'll get engaged when we're truly ready for marriage. If never, then never.

In Laurena's case, personally (again, this is my opinion), I probably wouldn't call it an engagement, nor say I'm engaged. I'd just say I'm in a LTR. Now, granted, if they both moved forward towards marriage, then I'd call it an engagement.

Honestly, I think it comes down to what you (general) see an engagement as. I see it as a precursor to marriage, whereas the marriage is a step that is planned and upcoming. If the marriage is not on the horizon, I wouldn't see the point of an "engagement".

I can say right now, if I was to get divorced again, I don't think I'd ever want to get married again. It doesn't mean I wouldnt' wear a ring (as that shows commitment to me, especially if no marriage is upcoming). But it does mean I wouldn't be calling my SO a DF. But again, that's just me.

And my viewpoint (hope you don't take offense Laurena - and understand I'm not judging you, just stating that if I was in your position, I'd call it something different).

 





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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 6:50pm

Well said, and I agree.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 6:54pm
Some people do seem to have a permanent or indefinite engagement. LIke my uncle who's 82 or 83 and has been widowed twice. Well his 2nd DW wasn't a legal marriage but they got blessed in church because if they actually got married, I guess she would have lost her late DH's pension. I guess that's common in Fla. where there are lots of retirees. So now that lady died & a yr or 2 ago he got a new GF & last Christmas they got engaged & he bought her a ring, however we haven't heard any plans for a wedding. I am thinking maybe they will never get married but people of their generation aren't as comfortable just living together. But if I didn't really have plans to get married, I wouldn't say I was engaged.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 7:05pm

I've seen long engagements (three years or so) to allow one or both to finish college degrees, and those marriages are still working. I've seen short engagements (6 months - 1 year) that don't work out.

I'm not sure about a "perpetual" engagement though. I think it truly depends on the couple. To me, "engagement" meant that at some point DH and I were going to get married. We were engaged for over a year, because it just took that long to get certain things lined out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 8:06pm

And my viewpoint (hope you don't take offense Laurena - and understand I'm not judging you, just stating that if I was in your position, I'd call it something different).



No offense......LOL....I frequently refer to him as :"he'd be my husband if we were married"---how's that for a mouthful?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 8:42pm

Today, I had one of those "experiences"...a co-worker who I see periodically came in and was doing some work...we needed to go a few places in the building and I'm always asking about his wife, son, and new daughter...he must have overheard me on the phone (about a cell phone for my "stepson") b/c a little while later he asked me where my "husband" works...Sometimes, I'll correct, but this was one of those times where I didn't b/c it was just easier if I didn't...



Some days I think the finance label would be great and then other days not so much, largely b/c then people are going to be constantly asking about "the wedding" and if there wasn't going to be one (or not for a VERY) long time, why bother with the hassle of all the questions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Mon, 09-13-2010 - 11:51pm
You could always just say "We're planning on a long engagement."
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Tue, 09-14-2010 - 8:56am

LOL!

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


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