I've been had....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
I've been had....
3
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 12:42pm
I've been had...this is scary and humiliating..my BF/finace's divorce trial occurred a couple weeks ago. He told me that he did everything to make sure that he would not have to pay generous child support and future alimony, bonuses, all college education costs. He also told me that he did not have lunch with his lawyer the day of the benchtrial and that the entire ordeal took about 10 hours. In reality his lawyer (female) billed him for 8 hours and specifically did not include lunch. In reality he agreed to pay child support until the age of 23 and then alimony until death or remarriage -the marriage was 14 years in MA, legally separated after 11 1/2). In reality he gave her 20% of his bonuses for life to be classified as CS. She never worked and still does not. She has a degree in Special Ed. She is 37 years old. He paid her mortgage in full -the house is worth $500k but he told me it was worth $380k (I did my own research). He agreed to provide her with medical insurance until she remarries but not him. We met whent hey had been separated for about a month adn did no date until they had been separated for about 4 months. We hae lived together for the last 2 plus years and he always told me that he would not be generous with her as she harrased me and also called me racist names. He syas he does not see his kids but his work is 10 minutes aways from her house and 2 hours away from where we live. SO I don't know. His kids won't see me or him with me. His family won't talk to me. He asked me to marry him, he helped pay for my graduate studies,

and he supports me as I no longer work. Initially (the first 6 months) I supported him. He is very hesitant to make changes to the house (he bought it with her)we live in. I don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 1:14pm
Wow!!! Your situation doesn't sound so good. I would seriously reconsider where you want your relationship to go. Maybe you don't have to marry him to make your situation legal, but just continue to live together and have him support you when you need it? I also would not marry him until his family and kids have come around. Otherwise, you will be signing up for a lifetime of half-truths and partial family-life fulfillment. Are you sure that you are not in this relationship because you have blinded yourself to the reality of it and that you want to subconsciously become a martyr?

Where are you in this whole picture? If you have the talents and the brain, then why not find a situation that appreciates you fully? I'm beginning to realize that the man may be perfect (in your eyes) but his situation may not be and it's not worth the raised blood pressure to live a half-fulfilled life. Can you truly be fulfilled by staying with him? I know you will, regardless. But I honest to god wish that when it comes to marriages and families, that we only had one chance to get it right. That would force a heck of a lot of people to think twice about the person they are about to marry.

Needless to say, all men tell little lies to avoid the ensuing fights and emotions from their mates. If 40% of his salary isn't enough for the both of you to live off of and raise a new family, then rethink staying with him. Ultimately, it does come down to security and stability. I wouldn't marry a guy until he had both and wasn't giving half of his salary to another woman for the rest of her life.

Just my opinion. I'm certain I'll be in the minority. I'm also certain that you are not a quitter and you will not leave your SO. You are too proud and complex to admit defeat. But you are looking for more viable excuses to consider leaving, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 2:02pm
A martyr? Never thought about it that way but its a possibility since my mom had such a rough divorce and my dad was/is a real jerk. I'm very scared right now. I cannot believe that he agreed to something which impedes our future. But its reality! I stood by him for 2 years plus, defended him, supported him emotionally, materially and physically. He thinks he did the same for me and that he continues to. Today I accused him of mentally screwing with me and playing games. I am shocked by his actions particularly as I spent so much time doing legal research for him. Will I seek other options? I guess I should. I feel so down as I know I cannot stay in this kind of relationship -half-truths and emotional stalemates.

GOd, it took me forever to convince him to change the furniture and paint the house. He built her a house within 6 months but it is taking him more than 14 months to finish a baseement for me. I threw a succesful surprise birthday party for him; he tired to be a "good" guy by asking my dad up for a 'surprise' visit though I had specifically mentioned to him that I did not want any of my family to visit until I had refurnished the house -and the surpise was lost as he told me about the impending 'surpise' visit during an arguement. So guess who ended up cleaning up the house though still ill from the flu? Me. I could go on and on...keeping a scorecard as romaniangel does.

Bottomline is I cannot deal...and so I have given up on marriage..I am not going to marry him without his family or kids talking to me. I have asked him to pay off all of my bills -he said he would do that today. SO now I just need to nurse my brokenheart and figure out where next I am going to live. And I can safely say that now at the age of 35 I have given up completely on marriage or love. I will miss my dogs (I will leave them with him) but time heals all wounds. We once had a conversation in which I said that if stuff is not cleared up then I will leave in August when his divorce is final. Until then I live with tears and a brokenheart. Love is not worth mistreatment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 4:58pm
I'm so, so, so sorry to hear about what you are going through. You are correct in that no one deserves to be emotionally mistreated. Perhaps that is the dividing line between a difficult and complicated situation worth staying in and one that is not. I know that the next few months are going to be the hardest and that you should communicate as much as you can with people who will listen and support and understand. I know that it's too soon to say this... but things do happen for a reason and where you were blind before you will see again and in time you will find a happiness beyond your wildest dreams. Just have faith in yourself and take this time to reflect and feel and heal and grow. Are you going to church? That helped me tremendously. I even started looking for guys there. Too bad that I didn't find any in time. I must admit that for someone like me who is possessive and somewhat independent, being alone helped me to become who I am today. For good or bad. But I couldn't have met the people I know today had I not been single. So, take this opportunity to change your scenery and change your life for the better. I always say that if God were to show me someone better and I'm still single, then it was meant to be.

Good luck and hopefully you will find your way again and in good spirits before long. Keep talking to all the gals on the boards. That's what they're here for.