Joint family vacation

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Joint family vacation
13
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 1:54pm

So my live-in BF and I are talking about going on a vacation with his two middle school aged children.

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Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 6:05pm

I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, but at least wanted to throw out what I could.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 9:13pm

I tend to agree with your BF (and Serenity) about trying to instill that sense of responsibility in your adult children, however, I do see your point and it is a bit tricky...is it possible to have both girls contribute something to the vacation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 10:04pm

I think there are 2 separate issues here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 06-15-2011 - 8:45am
HI High time--

I have kids similar ages to yours, and have to agree with your gut feeling of include the 23 yo on "family vacation", but NOT support her (day to day) financially since she chose to quit college.

I just think that is the right thing to do for the long term relationship of you and your 2 D's. This is really (IMO) a gift to YOURSELF , of having your family all together and having a nice time/memories together.

I did a similar thing at thanksgiving weekend last year---planned a trip where I would be with all 3 of my kids, and it was really a gift to myself, of having us all together.

IMO, the difficulty comes in with your BF disagreeing with you, and a difficult situation there. His kids are younger, and so he hasnt really "walked in your shoes" (as I have, LOL), of a young adult child who is/has made choices you dont agree with. I wonder when you say ,"And I'm struggling with feeling like I should be helping her financially every month and letting her learn to swim on her own and learn from her choices. "----does that mean you HAVE been helping her financially each month?

If so, I'm guessing that's why the BF is vocal re: not taking the D. Also, you mention it would be somewhat of a financial difficulty to take her.

My college junior son was seriously talking of quitting and moving to another state with GF, and I was on the same page as you re: "OK, you can quit without my agreement, but you're going to have to figure out how to pay your rent/groceries." I was doing that while he was a student, but not if he's going to quit before graduated. It's the "natural consequences" .......he did end up staying in school....but had he followed thorugh with quitting---I would NOT be supporting him financially. But, even if he quit, I would have included him in family vacations----I dont want to exclude him from my life---I just dont want to make (what I consider to be ) bad decisions (quitting school) *easier* for him by supporting him while he quit.

I would explore the day to day "financial help" situation more with your DD and BF (separately---eg, bounce ideas and get feed back from BF, then talk with DD separately yoursefl). Perhaps be very clear you're not going to be financially supporting her in future (day to day) unless she starts back in school in sept. (you can still do "extra" things sporadically---bring her a few bags of groceries/TP/cleaning supplies when you go visit or something).....but if she decides to stay out of school, she needs to decide how she will finance her life.

Meanwhile----consider this "vacation" a gift to YOURSELF----and make sure your BF is understanding of this before the trip happens------I would hate to see it ruined by a grumpy BF-----

I would say Bella has a good point re: asking both DD's to contribute---but if 23yoDD cant pay her daily expenses, I dont know how she'd come up with $$ for trip-----eg, she could probably only do that if you were subsidizing her daily expenses---so , again, I think it's OK for you to pay the trip for both--as a gift to YOURSELF----and back off on daily support $$.

BEST WISHES-----
and let us know what happens!!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 12:13pm
Hi Laurena, I like the way you put that, as a gift to yourself.

I do agree that if OP truly wants to have a family vacation that includes adult children, unless the adult children are financially comfortable and would spend the money on a vacation regardless, you can't expect all involved to have the same amount, if any, discretionary income.

I am kind of sensitive, as it takes me back to my second wedding and honeymoon, where MIL paid for us to go on a wonderful honeymoon, but we were strapped for spending money and were limted in what we could do and had to use a credit card alot while we were there. It just sort defeated the purpose of the gift and we came in home in debt.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 8:01pm

I guess I have several issues going here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 8:07pm
My younger DD is working, two part-time minimum wage jobs. So I help her out and with my support and her income she manages to get by. And you are right, my BF sees me giving her money and he thinks I am enabling her and his concern is not really the money so much as the fact that he seems inclined to see my kids as family and he wants to help. I guess he sees us as being all in this together.

As to the family vacation -- it is tough! I would help my older DD with the air fare but otherwise she & her BF pay their own way. My younger daughter can only do this if I pay air fare and expenses while we're there.

By thew ay, congratulations, it sounds like your daughter is doing quite well!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 8:09pm
Great advice. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 9:19pm

When my 2nd DH & I went on our honeymoon, we had to open the gift cards to get money before we went--he had been out of work due to an accident for about 5 mos. before the wedding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 9:29pm

Does your DD live w/ you?

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