In-Law Trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
In-Law Trouble
8
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 7:55pm
This is rather a long story and I am trying to abbreviate it as much as possible while still leaving the pertinent facts. My
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 10:43pm
hmmmmm........

How long have you two been married?

re:
. She said that she felt it was more important for him to know her true feelings and that she didn't care if it ended their relationship. She attacked our characters.

This is the very important part: When my DH read the letter the first time he said he wanted to save it as proof that she said these things in the event he had to prove it to his other sisters.

1. What does he have to "prove" to his other sisters?
2. re: Dh "saving" and re-reading the letter-------------

this whole family sounds really screwed up and dysfunctional---DH sounds way too enmeshed re: having to "prove" *anything* to his other sisters----and re: taking to heart whatever evil S1 says to him

Question:
Is he the only male child in this family? They sound really catty and/or the S1 sounds mentally ill---she's gonna be what she's gonna be---he needs to keep at arms length for his own mental health---and I dont think he's up for it------------

RE:
How would you resolve this?

Go see a counselor, and take DH with you............

honestly--life is too short for all of this BS.....

(((hugs))) and BEST WISHES!

Keep us posted!

PS: this board is quiet on weekends---you'll get more answers in a couple of days.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 10:46pm
PS:

AND DONT OPEN ANY OTHER LETTERS FROM SISTER 1 ------------PUT THEM INTO THAT SHREDDER , AND SEND THEM BACK UNREAD!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-28-2011 - 12:53pm

I would say that as far as this board, the issue lies in your DH not being forthright in his communication with the SIL that sent you two that horrible letter.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 11:46am
Great post Serenity and I completely agree with all of it.

If it was me, I'd want to understand WHY DH kept reading the letter. What was it doing for him? Was he reading it to get angry at his sister? To keep a grudge? Was he reading it and wondering if it was true.

But yes, this is more about your marriage, than the r'ship with his sister. If he wants a r'ship with his sister, w/o you being involved, he needs to do that, but not lie about things.

If counseling isn't an option, then here's my two cents. We always say on this board, "change the dance". And that means change your own actions and reactions. You can't change anyone but you. I understand that you'd feel betrayed that DH wants to keep a r'ship with his sister after all the nasty things she said about you, but DH is now lying about it. So, I'd talk to DH, tell him it's okay for him to have the r'ship with his sister, BUT, he MUST stop lying to you about it. I'd also ask him what he was getting out of reading the letter every month. Don't accuse him of reading it, tell him you want to understand fully why he read it. I understand why he'd want to keep it. Change your reactions to the situation. Since he's not going to stay by your side as you hoped, and has turned to lying. Change the dance, help him to not lie to you and see what happens.

This COULD very well be HIS character. I mean, afterall, he told you to lie to his sister that you were born again. That's a HUGE lie! And he was fine with it. He's probably fine with lying in general and you may have to accept that and change your ways a bit to alleviate his need to lie.

I know this sounds backwards, but well, its but one way to handle it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 1:08pm

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2007
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 1:26pm

I agree with the other posters.

Pamela


The choices we make in thought word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 7:19am
quote:
This COULD very well be HIS character. I mean, afterall, he told you to lie to his sister that you were born again. That's a HUGE lie! And he was fine with it.

Good point.

It also looks as though he's a "conflict avoider"---you should lie re: born again to avoid conflict with SIL,...he should hide letter/?relationship with SIL in order to avoid conflict with you............

(((((((((hugs))))))))))
Best wishes---
keep us posted...!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 03-31-2011 - 11:50am
Excellent post and perspective, Pam.
Serenity