living w/wedding memories of DH and ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
living w/wedding memories of DH and ex
12
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:24pm
Like Bamalou, I have had to relive memories through pictures and stories of my DH and his ex. What makes me sad and angry is when my mother in law brings up "the first wedding" and details about it, and yet she doesn't even remember ours!!! When I bring up that the their past hurts me, she can't even understand why and says "but that was in the past!!" It's very hard for her to put herself in other people's shoes. I'm very, very sad because they had the wedding I always wanted, (in the church and have lots of friends and family at our reception afterwards) but we didn't have because we were broke. I remember when we were dating that my husband told me "he had a great time at his first wedding." That cut like a knife then and it still does now. We got married in a little chapel in Las Vegas, and I still regret doing that after 9 years of marriage. I ache knowing I can't go back and change all that. Anyone have any similar experiences and how they coped with it??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:14pm
I too get to hear stories about my DH's first marriage. I don't hear many details but still, sometimes the thought bugs me. We moved last July. I found a box of photos from his first marriage, and pictures of them together with the kids. It was really hard to look at them. I put them in a separate box for SD when she is older. They are now banished to the attic. He has two kids from his first marriage. We got married last year. The bonus that I get from the first marriage is that my brother in law spun out when he thought that DH's friends were making fun of their Grandpa. He grabbed an axe (was also drunk) and chased them! They laugh about it now, and I get a sick comfort from it. It should have been a sign. Brother in law was on perfect behavior at our wedding!

I get tired of hearing about the birth of the kids. I hate the thought that DH was once married to her, let alone shared that with her. I posted a few weeks ago that I still get bummed and think, what if? She dumped him and he took it really hard. I still deal with that, but was advised to put the past where it belongs.

I have since told DH, I really don't want to hear about things from his first marriage. I don't want to know about it. He generally complies, but occasionally forgets. I have never told him that I don't like hearing about the birth of the kids, because I know that was special to him.

My suggestion is to ask her to please stop, and try to put herself in your shoes. Maybe since you are coming on your 10 year anniversary, you can have a second wedding and make it the blow out you didn't get the first time? If financially, it won't work, maybe start saving for your 15 and do it then? I know it is done often, since many people marry when they are young and can't afford it the first time.

Hang in there, if you need to vent somemore, feel free to email me anytime!

Shelby

Shelby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 3:35pm
I know how you feel. My second marriage was at the justice of the peace and no honeymoon. I hear that most people didn't like the ex wife, she is described as being arrogant and having an attitude problem. His friends and family tend to like me better. So that helps me..Hang in there. Its their loss. As for my honeymoon we are going to have one of these days. I never got the wedding I wanted either, but I got the guy. Sometimes I would like to send his ex-wife a thank you card for leaving him. She gave up a great guy and I got him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:24pm
Thanks for your reply, Shelby, and your suggestion. We did renew our vows last year (I didn't bother to wait for the 10th or 15th - I figured I waited long enough) and it was very nice but was not the same. We still didn't have the money to have what I really wanted and I did not feel comfortable wearing a wedding dress and all that. We did have a great time afterwards with my family (his were out of town). We renewed on the 4th of July.

Next time my mother in law brings it up, I'll be sure to let her know how it hurts even though she cannot relate (she did NOT marry for love - so no wonder!!).

It just that somedays, it gets so overwhelming and I just cry. I used to cry to my DH about it but stopped because he can't do anything about it and it hurts him to see me upset.

It's great to know that there are lots of others out there who share the same problem.

Thanks for letting me vent...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:21pm
Hello,

Don't worry, you're not the only one! This may make you feel better: my fiance and his ex had a dream wedding in the Carribean and FOUR receptions (in four cities: his/her families, his&her friends and of course, with the wedding)!! He told me that he hated the planning, but enjoyed the wedding parties. He and I can't even afford one small decent wedding/reception. I won't even be wearing a real wedding dress because it's too expensive. We decided to elope, sounds romantic, but it wasn't a really spontaneous event, since I didn't want to do the Vegas thing! Since he hated planning, even for a simple wedding, I had to do the research and the booking... I resented having to do all the legwork, I feel that getting married to me is not really high on his priority list. Generally, his friends and family are doing a good job in not mentioning his first wedding or his ex. (His mom slipped once, but I let it go.) Like you, I am the preferred girl, most of his close friends and his parents never liked his ex. Here's my consolation: even though he and his ex had been living together for 8 years before they married, their marriage only lasted 9 months before they finally separated (she had been cheating on him.), despite the big parties. My irony is: for the first time in my life, this is the love that I want to celebrate, but we couldn't because we can't afford it. LOL.

I really hope you feel better, feel free to email me :-)

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 6:36pm

Hi. I just wanted to say that you are SOOO not alone. I am not married, but plan on it one day. My bf and I were friends before lovers, so unfortunately, I know A LOT about his past. Which includes his XW and XGF. It drives me up the wall at times, and other times I dno't care. They had a huge wedding in her father's backyard (he owns a 10k sqft home, so you can imagine the backyard). But, what makes me feel good is this. 1. bf didn't want a big wedding in the backyard. 2. his beloved neices couldn't come because there were no children allowed at the house (inside or out), 3. they were together for 8 years, married for 1, she cheated on him. So, wedding or no wedding, it was all just a big show.


My bf's mom once told me, as I was drinking out of the cup, that the cup I was using was the "wedding favor" at bf's wedding. I just kinda let that one go. Maybe she wasn't thinking about what she said. Also. I know for a fact, that his family likes me soooo much better than they liked his xw. for one thing, we broke up once, and he told me later that his sister cried. Yup, his SISTER cried cuz we broke up. She didn't cry when he got divorced. His dad and mom talks to me a lot. They didn't with her. I see his family a lot more than his XW ever did, so I'm closer to them. I like that.


I know it still hurts to hear about those things....but I'm curious. Do you think maybe your MIL might have a touch of Alzheimer's or something? Because since you've been married so long, and that your DH's first wedding was sooo long ago, but she can remember that but NOT yours, I was just curious. Only because maybe she seems to remember the FAR past, like Alzheimer's patients. Just a thought.


The only other consolation that I have....when I think about him and his XW. Is that fact that I have been married twice before, and he deals with that just fine. And he used to walk thru a room, at my parents house....where there was still a wedding photo of me and my first xh. I know he saw it. But he never said anything. I'm grateful my mom took it down.


Be strong. and know that he's with you now and that's all that matters. But, yup, I totally know how it feels. It downright sucks!


~C





my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:01pm
LOL, we probably need to get to IM someday and have a griping session, just to get it out of our systems!

I forgot if I have mentioned this on previous posts, I apologize if I'm being redundant :-)... like yours, my DF's family also prefers me, and loves spending time with me. Generally, his family and friends had been good about not mentioning his ex or their wedding. But his mom slipped once, last Christmas we needed another bag to get all the presents back home, and she lent us one of hers, she said we can use the bag that she used to go to the Carribbean. She didn't mention the wedding, but I know that she was only there once for the wedding. But all the same, it went straight to my heart like a dagger.

The second is somewhat worse, we were having dinner with DF's friend and DF's friend's girlfriend and his friend's girlfriend asked him (DF) if DF had been back to the Caribbean after the wedding. To make it worse, DF didn't hear the question so he asked her to repeat it!!! And she did ... I just had to hear it twice. Thankfully, DF and his friend handled it nicely, he just said 'no' to her quietly and his friend changed the subject.

It's soo hard to just shrug these things off, isn't it?

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:15pm
Hi ,

I know exactly how your feeling about the past wedding. I was staying with DB at his parents home last month and came across photos of his wedding, birth of children etc...It was like someone ripped my heart out and stuffed it down my throat. I couldn't believe how awful it felt. They had a big wedding - a huge deal etc. They were married 8 years. We've had talks about our wedding plans and I'm not really sure how we'll do it all yet. I too had a nice formal wedding my first marriage and I'm not sure the etiquite etc for the second. But I do know that your NOT nuts feeling the way you do about his past wedding. It's totally normal. I think though we need to remember to not let their past xw come between our relationships. Hugs to you, tami

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:54pm
Tami,

Thanks for the encouragement. I've been going to counselling with my DF ... I want to share with you and everyone else one thing that my counsellor suggested which I found quite effective in getting through these feelings: whenever I feel this way, I need to take care of the hurt that I feel inside. It may sound silly/simple, but I found that when I talk to myself (doesn't need to be loud ;-) ), tell myself that of course I feel this way and that's ok, there's nothing wrong with me, give myself a hug internally, I actually feel better. Just taking the time to recognize and address your feelings is therapeutic.

Since my DF also goes to counselling with me, the counsellor asked me what DF can do to help. He suggested that it's better for me to share these feelings with DF, the caveat is that DF needs to know how to handle these. We agreed that when I share these with DF, DF would listen and empathize (believe me, just listening is not a man's natural ability!!).

It takes practice, it could be difficult (I tend to rationalize my feelings, rather than accepting that the feelings are valid), but it worths a try.

Hope this helps!

Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:14pm

If you ever need to gripe, trust me I can totally relate. Feel free to email me thru iV and we can find each other and chat. =)


Sometimes it's nice to gripe to a person (or people) who understnad.


~C




my pet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 1:58pm
DH had a good sized outdoor wedding for his first marriage. lots of food and stuff.

and lots of people. really expensive, i think they lasted a little over 18months.

now our wedding, it cost 700.00 (including my dress, his tux, decorations, and food)

and he enjoyed our ceremony and reception much more than his first, and i think the main reason is that we do love eachother, the sparks and the feelings have been there since the first day we met, you know that old saying "love at first sight" well, we are 100% proof.

i am more happy with the wedding that we had, than if we'd had a huge ceremony with lots of people. the people at our wedding were the ones we cared about the most, and the ones that we knew were there to support us out of love, they werent just there for the food or just to say they went to a wedding.

if you want to see what a 700.00 wedding looks like here is a link to our photo albums on yahoo:

http://photos.yahoo.com/lakelandangel

and our homepage

http://pages.ivillage.com/kevsmom11601

now im not using your post to show off, i just want to let people know that you can have a great wedding without spending thousands of dollars.

and tell me if you think we dont look just as happy as if it were a million dollar wedding. i wish the day had went on forever, it was amazing, the happiest day in my life (other than when my son was born, he was the ring bearer) and that is what i tell everyone, dont be ashamed of the wedding that you are having or have had, you will still be married to the best man of your life. some people get so caught up in the material things, and completely forget the whole meaning of the wedding, and i made sure that didnt happen to us.

just keep telling yourself that no matter what MIL says, you are married to DH. you are with him now, the ex is no longer in the picture. maybe they had a big wedding, but just think of what a waste of money it was!!! look at that side of it and laugh right back at her, say something like "gee, wasnt that a waste of money??? look where he's at now and much better off, evidently". that should put her in her place, without making you look out of place.


tracey

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