Love or convenience

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Love or convenience
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 9:29am

Been married 4 years , 2 years ago he lost his leg , since then he doesn't do much of anything , never goes out says its too hard he has gained weight and won't try to lose it ,sleeps in diff. Room I have to do every thing and I have a handicapped daughter that I have at home to care for and will as long as I can she will always live at home . I don't know how to make things better I have tried talking to him but don't help . Now he has been told his kidneys are not working well and he has to do dialysis he wanted to do it at home we talked and he is now going to go to the hospital ( I don't think I could do what would need to be done)

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 12:40pm

My view of life is that I cannot be a good partner, parent, worker, friend if I don't take care of myself first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 10:53pm
Hi and welcome to our board. I can totally understand what you're going through. I haven't dealt with it, but I've watched my mom go through the same thing. First and foremost, you have to realize that it sounds like he's depressed and have given up on life. Did he seek any therapy when he lost his leg? I can't imagine that's easy to deal with either. Instead of seeking help or getting through it, it sounds like your DH just spiraled out of control into a very depressive state and now it's his health at risk.

I honestly can't say what to do or not to do. I would suggest, if you have the time, to seek therapy for yourself. At this point, you could just be a nurse to him, but then, maybe not. Only he can truly answer that. Maybe a therapist can sit with him during his dialysis. I mean, it means he's kinda stuck there right? hehehe.

But seriously, it sounds like your resentment towards him has already built. Unless you can diffuse the resentment, your marriage has only one direction....downhill. You can try counseling for yourself, you can try it for both of you, but honestly, if he isn't willing to do a thing for himself, you have to ask yourself if you're strong enough to handle the marriage or not (physically, mentally, and emotionally).

With my mom, it was different, she had 40 years of marriage behind her. But yes, the difference between them was alwasy clear and in the end, she was angry at him, and now, she has to deal with that guilt because he wasn't her and she knows that. Your strong like my mom and I bet you expect your DH to be like you, to move on with life, to do what is necessary to live, etc. And he's not, so it's even more frustrating. I won't say leave him, but I will say, seek therapy for yourself......because you need to let this resentment/anger go, otherwise it could destroy you (on so many levels).

Hugs to you. I can only imagine what you're going through, but in no way have I had to live like that. Big big hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 7:23am

How was your DH when you met and married him?