lurking no longer

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
lurking no longer
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 9:39pm
Hello! I’m new to this board but not to iVillage. I just wanted to say hi to everyone and give my brief story. I'm not in my second marriage yet but we are working towards it. We have been together for a little over a year now. We were both in unhappy/failing marriages when we met. It started out as lunch pals that had a lot in common including our home life. But we soon realized that we were more then lunch pals. I'm going to spare you some of the hairy details of the last year (at least for now) but I will say it has been quite a ride.

My divorce was finalized last November and his is still being hashed out - but getting close. She is (depending on the day) finally cooperating with him and the lawyers. Needless to say she hates me and most days him too and uses their kids as pawns whenever she feels the need. We have decided to move in together (after a lot of consideration), so we move this weekend. I'm really looking forward to this new start for us. But I'm dreading it too. Up to this point, I haven't had to really deal with her. You know out of sight out of mind. The only dealing I've had is when he has had to deal with her crap and I'm helping him get over her harsh words/actions. So I’m not looking forward to our first interaction. But I’m a strong rational person so I’m sure it will be ok.

Anyway, that is my story in a nutshell. I hopefully will be a lurker more then a poster, meaning I won’t need to post my rants and seek advice because of her too often. lol But any advise on ways to deal are always welcome. I’m not the type of person to sit on the sidelines, so advice on how to do that sometimes would be helpful too. I’m looking forward to finding out more about you all. Have a great day!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 8:42am

Hi de-lurker and welcome.

I, too, am hated, despised and loathed by my BF's ex.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:16pm
I would proceed very cautiously if I were you. Granted, I don't know your whole story, but you are presenting a picture about his ex that is very one-sided. There are two sides to every story. You are beginning a relationship that started as an emotional affair. His ex and children will always be in the picture. I find it very interesting that you did not once mention how you were going to develop a relationship with his children. In my opinion, you should be focusing on his children and their well being, and not worry about his ex. You are playing a part in the break of their family. Please take a moment and make sure you and your boyfriend have carefully thought out the emotional and physical environment his children will be visiting when you live together. You must always put their best interests first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:53pm

It is a long and difficult road for children to grieve the end of their parent's marriage.


"Success is a journey, not a destination"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:46pm
You're right. I did present a "one-sided picture" of the situation, mainly to spare you some of the details and make this post shorter. And yes there are two sides to every story. Just as there was with the reason my marriage failed. And you’re right that I didn't mention the children. The reason for that is because our (mine and theirs) relationship is really good. His step-daughter has called me for help and advised instead of her own mothers a couple of times. His sons are about the same age of my son. And when we are all together the family dynamic is great. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't and won't always be this way; I'm not blind to that fact. But I'm sure that we will get through this as a couple and as a family.

Our children are our number one priority, period. He (we) have never and will never play into the game of putting them in the middle. So it is a huge decision for us to make to move forward with our relationship. We didn't want to cause undo stress or guilt to the children. When we have them we do our best to make them feel that our place is theirs, as well. We have tried to shield them from the drama that has been caused by their Mom lately. We don't see that they need to be involved or included in the divorce fight. After all the divorce are between him and her not their children.

So as far as playing a part in breaking up their family, your right I did. His son told him the other day that he was glad that his dad found someone that didn't go nuts and throw things all the time. And that he wished he could stay with us all the time. I was in the other room putting clothes away, so he didn’t know that I over heard him. I know that could change on a moment’s notice, after all he is just a kid. But he seems happy with the fact that his parents aren't fighting anymore. And his Mom isn't throwing things around the house anymore. I know this is going to be a long and trying journey. I just hope that we can continue to connect with the children as we have done this far. They are innocent in this entire mess and they deserve to be happy.

Thank you for replying to my post and offering your opinion and advice, I really appreciated it. It did help me to readjust my perspective too. It made me realize that even though she can be difficult and exhausting, I need to keep the children in the front of my mind when I do have to deal with her.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 6:55pm
Thank you for your reply. It also gave me a few things to think about. I like being able to post and get all perspective of the situation. It always helps my see the entire picture.

Thanks again!