Making a Second Marriage Work

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Making a Second Marriage Work
4
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 10:38am

  After being in a second marriage for 2 years (relationship for 5), I'd say the secret to making it work is simple, you have to be able to forgive. 

  I saw an elderly couple on tv one day who had been married for 77 years and when asked how they had stayed married so long, the wife didn't hesitate...she simply said, "You have to be able to forgive." and, after having been in a first marriage for 25 years and now a 2nd marriage for 2, I would totally agree with that statement (and I thought to myself...yea...forgive over and over and over...). 

  Dh and I went to see his parents last weekend and as we sat in church, I saw my FIL with his arm around my MIL and I thought how wonderful...after 54 years of marriage to see that.  My MIL has shared many things about their marriage to me (we are great friends) and it has been ANYTHING but an easy road and she has forgiven things many women wouldn't for the sake of love, family, and committment. My parents are the same...married 57 years and not easy.  I guess dh and I both learned committment from our parents because BOTH of us have wanted to run out the door screaming more times than we can count due to the issues many of you know we've had.  But, we're hanging tough and dh and I both thank our parents for that.  They taught us when you love someone and take those vows, that you don't run just because things are difficult.  You may WANT to (as I did this past summer), but, if you want the marriage to last, you have to tough it out.  Make no mistake.  I know there are definite "deal breakers" and would leave if those things were the case. Dh knows what these are as well.  Dh and I have learned new things about each other in the last 2 years and some things we really don't like about each other, but have come to accept because we want our marriage to last.

   Dh just recently lost his job, so we have yet another hurdle to stay strong through.  Dh's parents had to move from their hometown to a town where they knew noone and had to start over...in their 50's.  I reminded dh of this recently when he talked again about wanting to stay here...which may not be an option as the job he has has few opportunities here.  I just keep telling him we are survivors and we will make it through this as well. 

   Just wanted to share my thoughts of the day.  :)  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 11:19am

Sorry to her that DH lost his job--I hope he finds another one soon.  I agree that too many people just throw in the towel on their marriage for no good reason.  My 1st ex -- well I can't even understand why he wanted a divorce.  We weren't having major problems or fights.  He wouldn't go to marriage counseling or make any effort to stay together.  he's been married to his 2nd DW now for 11 yrs (we were married 13 yrs) and I don't know if it's a big improvement but I think that he just doesn't want to get divorced again so maybe he'll make more of an effort or at least he just decided to stay together.  But I think if 2 people have the idea that divorce isn't an option except for something really really bad, then they will make an effort to do what they have to to keep the marriage together.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 1:37pm

Thanks for sharing SO. 

Not sure what else I can add to that.  Except maybe that I think my DH is nuts.  I had a 5 year old when we met, and 13 when we got married.  Call the asylum!

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 2:06pm

Well said, Music. I do think many people DO try harder in a second marriage.  I know dh and I do. Also, dh calls our society today a "throw away" society.  If you're not happy, throw your marriage away and try again.  I agree with him.  I feel like a dinosaur in today's world with views, morals, and values noone seems to have today.  I know my kids don't.  They still believe their father was perfectly within his rights after 25 years of marriage to just end it and move on.  Guess he was right in the end...we WERE different...I was raised with the belief of "til death do us part" , etc. and apparently he wasn't. I think that was the hardest part...finding out the man I married and thought I knew to have the same kind of committment I had to marriage and family, didn't. 

The one divorce I have to say I DO agree with was my SS30's.  He and his wife were only married a year and a half, but she HAD to divorce him if not for her own sake, but their son's as well.  SS30 was heavily into drugs and that IS a deal breaker if the addict won't get help and recover.  I totally agreed with her decision to divorce him.  Luckily, he is now over a year and a half sober/clean thanks to the VA and is well on his way to a productive life.  His ex is still in our lives due to SGS5 and is in a happy relationship with a good guy. 

And, thanks about dh.  I hope he finds a job soon. He hates being unemployed and admits to being extremely lonely during the day when I'm at work.  He told me last night he's dreading my being gone next week with noone to talk to.  (He has no friends or family here.)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 2:11pm

 Oh, please, Serenity!!!  I have no doubt most people would have had me committed for marrying a man whose sons were all drug addicts.  Believe me, I had second thoughts more than once.  I've asked dh more than once if he'd come visit me in the psych ward when they take me away!  (The sad part is we've been there before visiting SS31 when he's overdosed or whatever.)