marriage counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
marriage counseling
11
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 10:42am

Has anyone here been to a marriage counselor?

Do you feel they work?

Did you ever feel picked on or have your husband throw things up to you that the counselor said?

How do you get past the negative things your spouse may say about you?

How do you feel safe saying negative things about your spouse?

How do you sort out the truth from the fiction that your spouse may say?

Thank you for your input.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 11:39am
Ex wouldn't go...current SO went to sort out my lingering issues with my divorce and his ex and kids and he was extremely supportive...
So did it work? I would have to say our experience was positive, also because he has shown complete dedication to making our relationship work...
He will remind me of things that counselor said but not in a bad way, more for me to avoid my negative thinking...
How committed is your DH to making the marriage work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 12:00pm

I'm not sure how committed he is to making it work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 12:12pm

Counseling did not work for us. My ex needed individual counseling and refused to go. Sounds like your husband would benefit from individual counseling as well as marriage counseling for the two of you.

The problem we had was that we went into it for the wrong reasons. We wanted the marriage to work only because of the kids and not because we had any real feelings for each other. We both admitted that if the kids weren't part of the picture we wouldn;t have stayed together.

So, it really is in the mindset with which you approach counseling. Based on what you have said, it doesn't sound like he is there, but I would give a shot anyway, just to say that I had tried everything possible.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 04-11-2012 - 3:19pm

I think it depends if you are both going to truly make the marriage work, or simply to be able to say "I did all I could" knowing the marriage is probably over.

Me and my second xH went and it did not work.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 12:05am

>>Do you feel they work?<<

I think marriage counselling only works of both parties are open to the idea of objectively looking at their behaviour and how it effects their partner

>>Did you ever feel picked on or have your husband throw things up to you that the counselor said?<<

I think it's entirely reasonable to bring things back to what the counsellor said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 8:27am
I think true blue wrote a great post!

Only thing I'd differ with/clarify:

The only time a counsellor will work is if both parties are open and honest and thoughful and put the marriage and each other on an equal footing.. If you current husband is not these things, then don't bother.

Regardless of those things, I think you SHOULD bother---go alone for a couple of visits anyhow, and the counselor can better help you reach decision re: the (above listed) situations True Blue discussed re: saving or running from marriage.

It's easy to "frame" a current situation based on your experiences in the past---eg, you with exH that made counseling a nightmare/ineffectual thing......your DH's experience with exW 1 who cheated, and exW 2 that he's holding an ideal of, etc.

The counselor MAY have some suggestions for you that you can implement even if DH doesnt go.............regardless, the situation you're in currently doesnt seem real great---no sense continuing as it is. Seeing a counselor might help it get better, so then it's liveable, ...or else it doesnt, so you'll feel you at least exhausted all of your options, and feel better re: moving on.

My personal experience with marriage counseling is it DID help us communicate better with each other........... although eventually we divorced anyhow.

I also think the attributes of the counselor you have can make a HUGE difference---but hard to know what you're going to get-----and what's a great fit for one person is not necessarily so great for another.............

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 6:36pm

Thank you, everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2007
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 7:04pm

I have been to marriage counselling with my ex and my current. What I found out is that people won't change what they don't acknowledge. In order for a man to really look at his own behavior and how it affects the marriage he has to take responsibility for his part which many men don't do. They are too busy pointing the finger at their spouse and therein lies the problem. Marriage counselling CAN work but if the person going doesn't see their part in the problems of the marriage then it won't work. I got tired of my husband pointing the finger at me and never looking at himself. Many times we would argue after a session because of what the other said. It's been a while and we haven't been back. It's always good to get personal counselling for yourself because it give you an outlet and it can help how YOU deal with issues.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 9:10pm

Chia,

Marriage counseling doesn't work if one or the other thinks it's about "fixing" the other spouse! Too many people go to the counselor's office believing if the OTHER spouse would just "change" or "be the spouse they want" there would be no problems!

BOTH SPOUSES must be willing to accept responsibility for their shortcomings and BOTH be willing to work on the marriage. If it's going to be one-sided, then that person should go solo.

Sometimes "marriage counseling" is helpful to someone who has been married before and keeps wondering why they can't seem to pick the "right" spouse. To me, this is a sign that person should look in the mirror and get help for themselves.

No one can make another person happy. That's every individuals responsibility.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2011
Mon, 04-16-2012 - 3:22pm

Has anyone here been to a marriage counselor?

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