Marriage or not? - confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Marriage or not? - confused
13
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 9:30am

Hi

I could use some good advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 10:24am

I think it's too soon for you both to get engaged. What's the hurry? It's a romantic notion, but you need to see how compatible you are and how happy you are with the way things are going for at least another year or even longer before that decision should be made. Something I learned from my first marriage is not to re-hash old arguments and old issues. Once an argument has past, it's gone and shouldn't be brought up again. In my present relationship, I never bring up past negative issues that my boyfriend and I have argued about. It's hurtful, it doesn't help matters, it's punishing someone over and over again for something that happened in the past, and it's like riding a ferris wheel that you can never get off. I don't know what he's promised in the past and hasn't come through with, and if they are minor or major things, but if that's a consistent part of his behavior, he may never change, and you will have to decide whether or not it's a dealbreaker.

It sounds like you both have problems in the area of communication. Maybe you should try pre-marital couples counseling to learn how to communicate more clearly and positively with each other. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 10:44am

My first thought was the same as blueorchid--what is the big rush?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 1:20pm

It sounds to me like you both have had some ambivalence, not just about this relationship, but about going forward and getting married a second time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 1:47pm

What stood out for me is this line that you wrote, "He has promised me things in the past and never followed through with it, so I thought this was just another promise that he was not following through on. "

It seems that this is something major that really bothers you. I do not know what the promises were or why he broke them, but you need to ask yourself if his breaking promises to you is a red flag, or if you're simply "over reacting" (bad word, but couldn't think of something better).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010

Hi

thank you for your advice and input, I appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009

I hope you're not selling your house in order to move in with this man. It's too soon to make such a huge decision. He has a strange psyche to offer those items and services to you and to never deliver on those offers. Maybe he temporarily feels like a person of real value, and feels appreciation from you at that time, even though he knows he won't be making good on these offers. Therefore, you can't take anything he says seriously. As for me, if there's

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009

I want to weigh in with the others who say it is too soon to think of marrying or even moving in with this guy.

It sounds to me as if he is someone who, in the impulse of the moment, will make all sorts of wonderful plans, but who really doesn't want to carry them through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't think I would like this kind of character trait of someone who offers to do something and then backs out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Fri, 12-24-2010 - 9:26am

awwww :-( I wish I could give you a hug, sweetie. You know ... just take it slow. Breathe. Are you SURE that he is the ONE??? Is he REALLY the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, or is it the IDEA of marriage that you are in love with??? You know, honestly, after a divorce ... for me at least, my first inclination was to get SERIOUS with another guy. I think because we are creatures of habit - and we like things to be status quo. Honey, how long have you been divorced? And remember to listen to your INNER feelings. It sounds like you definitely have some doubts about this fellow. Listen to your intuition and slow down a little bit. Let him reveal himself and his nature to you! Then you will know if this man is the ONE who really makes your heart SING. The right one won't leave you feeling disappointed!!!

:-) Have a wonderful holiday season and a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Peace to you! Love, Costume Designer

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

What you call a "promise" may mean something entirely different to your bf.

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