Married and dealing with a jealous spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Married and dealing with a jealous spouse
10
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 3:25pm

i haven't posted here much, but I need some advice.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 4:23pm

I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 4:49pm

Well if he won't go to counseling, I'd sure ask him to explain why when there is an apparent problem in your marriage, he doesn't seem to want to put in an effort to solve that problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 4:49pm

Lisa,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Wed, 11-09-2011 - 8:00pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 11-10-2011 - 10:41am

My ex was extremely jealous and for no reason I could see. My world revolved around work and kids. It turned out HE was the one cheating. we tried counseling, but because he never saw the problem, (it was MY fault he cheated), counseling was a waste of time and money.

I am not saying at all this is what is happening with you, but maybe there is a reason (that only exists in HIS head) that is making him question you. Or has he had someoen cheat on him in the past?

I do agree with the other ladies, if he won;t go to counseling, you should go, it can;t hurt and maybe he will get smart!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Thu, 11-10-2011 - 2:41pm

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Fri, 11-11-2011 - 9:49am

Being punished for something you're not doing wrong is no way to live. Try standing up for yourself instead of cowering and trying to explain yourself to someone who is illogical and suspicious for no reason. Tell him that you will continue speaking to your ex about your children, and that if he doesn't trust you, that he can either join you in counseling, or you can get a divorce, since you're not going to be punished for doing something that's necessary. Be ready to

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 11-11-2011 - 3:14pm
Hi Lisa--

I think you've gotten some good input here................I'd agree also that you should head to a counselor yourself, and give your DH the reason that you have NO interest in rekindling anything with your ex , and you DONT like having to deal with this jealousy issue, so you want to learn all you can to deal with it to still stayed married to DH. Honestly, if he doesnt see THAT as a committment to your life with him.......really, what WOULD it take?

Hopefully he will agree it might be a good idea, ......regardless, you should go...........because, ....you cant live the rest of your life like this, and you've got quite a few years until your kids are past age 18. AND THEN you will still have connections re: marriages/grandchildren, etc.

ALSO, FWIW, ....I would lay off of the "how are you" questions also. Honestly, when I communicate iwth my exH, (and we were amicable), I do NOT ask about his personal life at all. I figure if something's going on with it that affects the kids, he'll tell me about it. If I were to see exH at a social event (eg school concert or something, and we were standing around feeling need to make small talk, it would be OK to ask that---but my SO would be at my side, so it s not like anything is being hidden.

I'm VERY sure this is all somehow related to HIS past,.......but, you're going to have to live with it to some degree, .....and HE needs to cooperate/participate to make the situation liveable for you.

QUESTION:
What about this SIL? How is your relationship with her? Can you talk with her and get input on how to handle this?

BOTTOM LINE:

If there's nothing for you to have to be apologizing for, things need to change somehow, so that you're not apologizing all the time!


I do think a counselor would be wise......(and dont sell that house yet)

(((((((hugs!!))))))
]
Keep us posted!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-14-2011 - 3:25pm

What you said reminds me of this situation where we had put a basketball hoop in the yard so one day when my ex dropped off my DS, DS asked him to play some basketball w/ him--well my 2nd DH came home and was upset that my ex was there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 9:58am

That is sad - why can't adults put the children first? It was just some basketball, people need to at least be civil around the kids :(