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|Mon, 06-02-2003 - 9:32am|
I'm not remarried (yet), but DSO and I have been living together for 6 months now. I was married previously for nearly 20 years, and I have custody of DS who is 17. DSO has custody of 2 children who are 13 and 15. When I chose to start dating again, I decided that I did not want to date anyone with small children. My DS is almost grown. He will be a senior next year. He has a job, a girlfriend, tons of friends, and is busy all the time. While I very much enjoyed being a mom, I'm not one of those who is going to go into an empty-nest depression. I've looked forward to getting on with my life and having experiences that I put off while I was raising my child.
So, with this is mind, I began dating DSO, whose children are relatively older and I assumed (bad thing to do) that he was also looking forward to the time when the kids would be grown and gone and the two of us could have a life. I also figured that having older kids meant less work. They should be more self-sufficient and they should be busy with lives of their own. This is not the case with DSO's kids.
These two children are needy and clingy and DSO loves it. They have no friends, they go nowhere, and they are both very immature. Neither of them will socialize with anyone, including my DS and his friends who have tried to include them but their immaturity has turned everyone off. They both hide in their bedrooms and come out only to eat and go to the bathroom. They can pass by me a hundred times and not speak. They do no chores around the house, take no interest in anyone or anything there, and have to be reminded of simple things like turning out lights or closing doors - things that you have to remind a 5 year old to do, not kids who are well out of elementary school.
Their needs come before anyone else's. Let them speak and DSO jumps. He and I do nothing and go nowhere as a couple. Even if we go to the grocery store he feels he has to drag them along just to get them out of the house because they won't leave the house and do anything for themselves. Both of these kids are self-absorbed and self-centered and it's starting to take a serious toll on my relationship with DSO. Last week he and I joined a fitness club. We signed all the kids up. DSO's older child has decided this is going to be his daily routine no matter what anyone else wants to do. My DS has a pass AND his own car, but DSO's DS wouldn't dream of asking him if he'd want to go. He has to have Dad take him. Twice over this past weekend, I had plans shot to heck because this kid wanted to workout and Dad figured THAT took precedence over anything I wanted to do.
This goes on ALL the time. It's like DSO feels guilty that the kids won't get a life for themselves so he dismisses everything else in HIS life, including me, in order to make them happy. I'm tired of it. It's gone on ever since I've known him - and yes, I should have gotten a clue before we moved in together, but I thought maybe things would change. They didn't. I'm tired of taking a backseat to these kids. He tells me I'm paranoid and jealous of his kids, but after all the disappointments I've had because these kids have dominated the situation, how could I not feel some animosity towards them?
Remember, these aren't little children. They are middle and high schoolers. One is going into the 8th grade and one into the 11th. I don't understand because my own child is an independent and busy kid. DSO doesn't understand because his kids are needy and he seems to enjoy it. And while I think it's fine to do things as a family, I also think it's important for a couple to have time together. We don't have this time and I'm finding myself more and more wishing that he and his kids would move out so I could get my life back.
If you've read this far, thank you. I'm just curious if anyone else has found themselves taking a backseat to kids?