Moved on to soon !!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Moved on to soon !!
4
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 4:46pm
Hi All,

I hoping you may be able to offer a little insight. I have been with BF for 4 years and we have been discussing marriage recently. Everything has been great so far and then all of a sudden he decided that he didn't want our relationship anymore.

To give you some background he was previously married and meet him while going through his separation, we were very careful and took things very slowly for the first 1 1/2, I always wondered weather he was moving on to quick so asked him continuously and he always said he had emotionally left the marriage long ago. He was only married about 1 ½ so I took what he said at face. Anyway we have had a wonderful relationship ever since however he has now decided that he needs time on his own to figure out who he is. He says now he should have taken time right after the divorce.

I don’t know what to do he is very confused, I have moved out and understand his need for time to figure stuff out ? I think what brought this all on was his talk of marriage and him needed to figure everything out before he got married again.

Should I move on ? Should I wait ? Our relationship was fantastic so it is hard ? I know he loves me still but needs to do this for himself – and I totally understand that and will give him his time and space that he needs – but how long should I wait ?

He doesn’t want to close the book on us but he also needs to do this for himself ?

Just not sure what to do ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 10:47am
I would neither move on nor wait. Don't write him off, but don't write off having a life while he's deciding what to do. Live your best, fullest life, and if opportunities present themselves, take full advantage of them. Keep the door open as long as it feels like the right thing for you to do, and if you feel that he is taking you for granted, or taking advantage of you, shut the door.

Make it a point not to be in a holding pattern. You don't have to go looking for relationships or jump into something new, because it's prolly too soon for you to do that, anyway. Live YOUR life.

Avatar for angeliz1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 7:25am
Wow ! While reading your post about you BF new feelings took me back to over a year ago when I myself was dealing with the same thing. I had only been out of my previous marriage for 6 months when my fiancee' proposed to me. I definately wanted to marry him, I just wasn't sure when. I knew that I should take time out to find myself, spend time with my daughter's, etc...before commiting to another marriage. But, I didn't and I knew that I'd deeply regret it and I feel some resentment towards my now husband for not agreeing or understanding the space that I truly needed. When I told him the same thing as your BF told you, my husband kind of shut off his emotions (for fear of being hurt again) and wasn't the same as before. So, I figured that I could either go ahead and marry him or take the chance on losing him for the rest of my life, which I didn't want. So, against my better judgement, I rushed myself and now am having kicking myself for not taking more time out. I can assure you that your BF loves you dearly, he just doesn't want any regrets and this is a smart choice for anyone coming out of a relationship and is thinking of going into another. I tried getting my husband to understand the old saying, "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be." Hope this helps and best of luck to you and your BF. Just be patient with him. He does love you, I'm sure :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 10:13am
Hi there,

Your post reminded me of when I first started dating DF, a little over 3 years ago and I specifically asked him many, many times if he needed more alone time before getting involved with me. He assured me that he had been separated for over a year and that he was ready to start looking for the best possible relationship, if it even exists. Needless to say, there were moments where I felt that he loved me very much but just wasn't 100% sure that he wanted to marry again. It wasn't me... it was about his ability to overcome his demons and his disappointment in his first marriage.

When I felt that I wasn't one of his top most priorities, that was when I took a step back from the relationship (ie. not let it consume me) and focused on myself. That is what I think you should do. Take this opportunity to do a few things that you've always wanted to do before getting married. I went on vacations with my girlfriend to Europe and England. I went to happy hours with roommate/friends of my ex-boyfriend (who sided with me instead of him after the split up). I went to clubs and danced a couple of nights away. I went on nature walk tours with strangers and roller-bladed in the park by myself. I spent more time with my family and helping my parents to restore a 150 year old house. I drove down to VA to visit my younger sister and my nephew.

I am so glad that I did all of these things before I had obligations to him and his daughters. Now I'm going to dance recitals and soccer games and ChuckECheese. I get hounded by my family to see them more often because I used to. It's harder now to please everybody including myself. Just last month I finally had to draw the line and take a couple of hours to be bt myself without DF and the kids, during the weekend. While the kids may not understand, DF did and he was okay with it. I reciprocated by trying to okay with him going on a golfing trip with his buddies this past weekend.

Take this time to continue the honest communication you have with your SO. The key here is to practice what another person posted, "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it was meant to be." It was the toughest thing I did, but I am so glad that I did. I feel good to know that I did not pressure him to marry. I did give him a deadline by which time I wanted him to decide whether we should stay together or not because I didn't want to become too entrenched in his daughters' lives only to have him eventually decide that he didn't want to remarry. Can't always have the cake and eat it too.

Good luck. Use this time to really get to know your guy. You may discover things about him that may eventually turn you off from pursuing the relationship. Or you may discover that he needed a physical representation of 'space' and will want you back in his life full-time before you know it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:18am
Thanks you all for your posts it is nice to hear that other people have been through something similar. No that you felt the pain and sadness but there are other people out there that have needed space and that I shouldn't take it as a personnal attack on me.

It also showed me that you were all able to move on and continue on with life, and that whatever is ment to be, will be.

Thanks so much for all you great info and for sharing your stories with me !!