My 2nd husband is now my 2nd X

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
My 2nd husband is now my 2nd X
7
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 4:23pm

Not so sure this is the right place to be, as my 2nd marriage didn't work :(


We've been divorced since October 2009... and recently are flirting and doing lots of stuff together as a family!!


His family are very happy with the way things are.. we spend part of the weekends with them (me and my sons) and his sister (who was once all for us leaving each other) is now rooting for us to get back together..


I am not sure if we are going to get back together, but many indications show that eventually we will be back together (even my 1st X says we're going to get back together)


A bit of background info: we separated after he hit me the first time in Augustof 2008.. and got back together in October 2008. It was turbulent and something was missing.. we had major financial problems, not to mention his meddling interfering sister.. and eventually I left the house, and started divorce proceedings in April, the divorce was finalised in October 2009. After a couple of very yucky months of fights over visitation and loads of accusations from both sides.. we sat down and had a good heart to heart and cleared up many misunderstandings that existed..


Now we are wonderful together, talk every day, go out and do stuff, sometimes without the kids.. sort of like dating... which we didnt ever really geta chance to do since when we got to know each other (ironically it was his sister who introduced us to each other!!) there was my son and I was a single mom.. so he more or less got into an immediate ready made family!!


It is fun and I think we're both enjoying the current flirting and getting to know each other on a new basis!


But what next? should I just go on a day to day basis? I dont want to have any expectations and then get disappointed!!!


HELP :)

~K.I.S.S.

~K.I.S.S.  Keep It Simple & Serene~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 6:20pm

you wrote, "A bit of background info: we separated after he hit me the first time in Augustof 2008."

Does this mean he hit you a second (or more) time? Or does this mean you separated again?

IMHO, no matter how good things get, if a man can strike you once, he WILL (not he MIGHT) strike out at you again. It's just a matter of time. The only time I will say he might is if he's currently seeking mental therapy for his anger and why he hit you.

I'm sorry if I'm kinda a downer, but I have BTDT and it only gets worse. They charm you into staying with their nice side, but it's typically a facade to get you back. Once they do, things will slowly deteriorate until it's bad enough where he will hit again.

If you really think you want to stay. I'd suggest individual counseling for you AND your SO (to understand why you'd go back to an abusive man, and why he's abusive) and marital counseling also (to learn the tools for a better marriage). Without that, I really feel this is just a pattern of abuse and I've lived it, I know how it goes.

Hugs to you. Take it REAL slow, and please, seek professional help, not only for yourself, but for the marriage.

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 6:57pm

I agree w/ Cheryl--I just wonder why you would ever consider going back to a guy who hit you once you managed to get out of that situation. What do you think has changed about him that he wouldn't just do it again?

I remember my 1st MIL used to have this saying (which I don't totally agree w/ as I think it's too simplistic) but she was old school "if he hits you once, it's his fault. If he hits you twice, it's your fault." i.e. for staying w/ the jerk. My 2nd DH put me through a lot due to his mental illness but there was never any physical violence. I did stay too long but I would like to think that my bottom line would have been if he ever hit me or my kids--it would be like "don't let the door hit you on the way out."

I'm also just wondering if you do think he's a great guy or if you have been lonely since the divorce and think he's better than being alone. I'm sure there are good sides to him too, which makes it more confusing--people aren't generally bad 100% of the time. Even my ex could be very nice & charming and we could have a lot of fun together. I have good memories of doing fun things, esp. of going on vacations. We have been apart almost 2 yrs and we still occasionally will go out to eat, but not in a romantic way and there is no chance we would ever get back together cause even though I see that he is a little calmer, it was just too much to go through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 7:47pm

I went back and read your post from when you decided to get divorced. IMHO, if all is going well, proceed with caution. Seek professional help to understand what went wrong the first time. Ask yourself why you want to be with a man who "smashed my head repeatedly on the sofa side" (your words). Understand your motives for going back to a man who did this to you. Ask him to seek therapy to understand why he'd do such a thing to you.

I only want happiness for you. I know you're happy now, but statistics on men (or women) who hit, show that they will do it again and again. It's rarely, if ever, a one-time incident. I'd say, if you're willing to really dig deep, if he's willing to really dig deep, then you guys may have a chance. If you're both just happy now because times are better (no money issues, etc), then nothing was learned. And history will repeat itself when times get rough.

Seriously, I do want to see only the best for you. I'm not trying to bring down your happiness. You told us what happened. The question now is, what has TRULY changed?

 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 9:41am

I agree with both Cheryl and Liz that unless both of you have intense individual counseling, he WILL strike again.

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.


Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 1:47pm

Oh gosh Mom.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Fri, 05-28-2010 - 9:45pm

I agree with all of you :)


I know he "smashed my head repeatedly"... how could I forget such a thing!! :(


I am not making excuses for him, or rationalisinng things. I am seeking professional help and he is NA, and is talking a lot to his sponsor.


Things have changed in the sense that his attitude, his behavior, his reactions to things have become much calmer.. I see/feel a change in him..


And yes TIME is the best healer of all.. We both know we are not ready to get back together, and we are taking it REEEEEAAAL slow!! Sort of like getting to know each other all over again.


In the past, I was never one for confrontation, or making problems, never spoke my mind or voiced opinions or disagreed about anything (WRONG I know) Now I say when he does something that bothers me or I don't like.. we are more open with each other, and we both know that at any time either one of us is free to say "No, this is not working for me"


He also now knows that I am strong enough to walk away, and to support myself, and to be independant, that I do not NEED him, but rather WANT him, and that I will do what is best for me and my sons even if it means leaving him. He knows this, because this is exactly what I did before. So this "new relationship" we're in, is all based on "new behaviors".


And, don't worry girls, we're not moving back in together. I'm living with my family now until I find a place to rent, and he is living with his family. Plus moving back in would just confuse the boys, and I will not allow this to happen.. and he won't either..


~K.I.S.S.  Keep It Simple & Serene~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Sat, 05-29-2010 - 9:44am

You know - ay yi yi. Honestly - one of the MAIN things I look for in a guy is ... is he a hot head? How does he act when he's mad at the kids? Is he cool and calm, or does he get irritable and cranky over little things. Or BIG things? When something sincerely makes him ANGRY (which is going to happen) does he Blow up? Does he lose control?

If he does - it is a DEALBREAKER! I wish I could write that in MORE than all-caps. Like seriously. I don't MESS with explosive or uncontrolled anger.

Look - we are ALL going to be angry frustrated cranky and mad at some/many points in our lives. That anger is there to teach us. To let us know that our boundaries have been breeched. But part of MATURITY is to learn to BREATHE through that anger. Walk away if we have to. Take a moment. Realize that truly this bothers me and I need to address it responsibly and set BOUNDARIES. Like ... for example ... when I went camping and got VERY frustrated with the kids - I didn't blow-up. I just realized I wasn't very happy - and that perhaps I shouldn't put myself in that position anymore - and maybe the naughties should go camping without me. You know?

Maybe I'm too avoidant - sometimes I am ... but I do honestly believe it's a step-up in consciousness from just REACTING to those EMOTIONS! ANGER isn't a bad emotion. It is there to TELL us something. It's how we USE that anger that's the issue.

Find someone more enlightened to their own emotions and own anger. I think he crossed the line FOREVER by hitting you. That's a serious NO-GO.