My fiance will not compromise any time with his daughter for time with his future wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011
My fiance will not compromise any time with his daughter for time with his future wife
11
Tue, 11-15-2011 - 1:25pm

I am in a tough spot and need advice.

I have been with a wonderful man for a year and a half and he has asked me to marry him. I love him and said yes.

He is divorced and has a child. He is an airline pilot and I am a flight attendant, which makes spending time difficult.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

How old is the DD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011

Thanks for your input.

I have extensively talked to my guy about the time issue and the lack of disapline structure issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
HI KC--

I'm not quite understanding your situation, nor the age of the child (and therefore, how soon until child is adult ), but clearly your guy wil continue to spend 17 days/month with child----assuming you marry, then child will be (I would think) in your household 17 days/month (or else your DH will be gone from home 17 days/month).

It would seem he would want to spend more than 2 days/month with you if he's so interested in you he wants to marry you-----how does HE see your future working out together?

BEST WISHES!!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Unfortunatey I am unfamiliar with how work schedules work when working for an airline.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010

KC,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2011

Thank you so much starting over.

I needed that.

I do not want to go through the pain and lifestyle change that it will require.

I feel I deserve more than I am getting.

It is hard.

I try to think of the soliders fighting and those young men who have lost their lives and then I do not think it is really that hard.

perspective. powerful

I'm taking it one day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010

Keep us posted, KC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
I am about to celebrate 20 years on my second time around. I have a child close to 30 from first marriage who is the father of my grandbaby. I have three with dh. I had time as a single non parentit but worked with kids in varied settings off and off for many years. Lots of opk -other peoples kids.
I think that you would be better off with someone else, someone with no kids that if the two of you down the road decide to have them you are already on the same page. I always thought it must be difficult to be in a relationship or parent being airline personnel. I don't think this is "your one" I suspect that your one is out there waiting for you, I truly do and when you meet it will be incredible.
many divorced parents especially of young children will want to spend a lot of time with the children especially if there is some guilt or other feelings.

I know moving on isn't easy especially after almost two years together but it sounds like it may be something to really consider
Good luck

anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Hi KC,

I do understand how your schedule works, and how your fiancee takes care of his child when his wife is flying. I do see that he wants to spend time with his child, as I'm sure you do(and my bet is that you have been More than considerate about this, havent you?!). What is not right, is that he doesnt COMPROMISE, to have time with you as well. It an be done without "hurting" his child; especially if he has other family members, or his ex mother in law (the child's grandmother), to fill in for him.

I started my relationship the same way.I was Sure my husband would see my point, Especially if I was VERY accomodating per his kids. I ONLY asked for one night a week--Thursday for date night. ie, that left SIX days, 24/7 for plans with his kids. But nooo...his kids would blow him off, then guess what night he would offer them? yep..Thursday! We went to a counselor, who told him quite directly that he was a lucky man, I was very reasonable and accomodating. But..even that changed Nothing. I was also flexible about changing date night now and then to accomodate a game, event, etc. Appreciated? Not on your life!
Seven years into this..nothing has changed. Except me: Ive lost respect, and sadly,a Lot of my love for him. How I can love fully, when it's Clear i'm not respected? Respect IS Love, as I see it. When his kids are here to visit, it's like They become his wife, and I'm placed on a shelf. They can blow him off, he will call me at work to ask me to go eat after I get off work (8pm). Then, the kid's friends blow Them off..and they run back to daddy,so He will pay for dinner..and he then blows Me off. Instead of saying "I tried to make plans with you, you blew me off, (they usually do it arrogantly, and last minute), I have plans now. Maybe tomorrow we can go somewhere".Consequences. NEVER happens.
What I'm saying KC is that this WONT change, as time goes on. You have expressed your needs and feelings..and nothing happened. That WON'T change with marriage,. And I wouldn't marry Knowing I wasn't getting respect in the deal...actions speak louder than words.
Might be time to change your flight plan of life..
Hugs to you!
cc,
Pepper

Pepperjack7

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