on my way to 2nd marriage??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2011
on my way to 2nd marriage??
8
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 10:12am
I have 6 months until I marry my best friend, it will be #2 for both of us. He has a 8 yr old son and I have a 4 year old son from previous marriages. My DF is absolutely wonderful and the love of my life but there are a few issues that are making me uneasy and I can't tell if its stuff I should be concerned about of if I'm getting cold feet bc my first marriage and divorce was so bad. First, he also has a son that is 2 and he never ever mentions this kid bc it happened during one night stand kind of deal and best I can gather the mom has several kids all by different dads. My DF steped up and has been paying child support from the beginning but he never sees the kid and NO ONE in his family knows about it, including parents or other son. He has never mentioned the kid since we met for the first time so he didn't hide it from me but what will happen in the future? I don't know if this kid is always going to be a secret and if I have kids with him then it will have a sibling out in the world that it don't know about and I don't like that idea. Second, my DF exwife cheated on him and she is now married to that man. DF and ExWIFE share joint custody of the 8 year old. DF is a great dad and his world revolves around that little boy. We have never really had any problems from the ex as far as drama but she thinks everytime she snaps her fingers DF is suppose to do whatever she says and 99% of the time he does. This really bothers me and he knows it does. He has a great personality and will do anything for anyone but really!!! I'm all about getting along for the kid but he is so nice to her and does what she says, it makes me sick. Third and last, DF son has been in all kinds of sports soccer, basketball, baseball, dance, and now DF is checking into Karate. I also recently checked into karate for my son and it was way more than I could afford so I dropped it. I am the breadwinner in this relationship as I was in my first also. I am paying for our wedding alone and then we will have a mortgage or rent to pay when we move in together. However I can almost guarantee that if karate is more than DF can afford then his mom and dad will pay for the karate. Is that my business bc I just feel angry that my son loses out while DF son gets to do everything bc of the grandparents. Help I am having so many emotions, its hard blending a family but I didn't know it would be this hard. Am I being selfish?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 11:33am

Ok, I'll try to tackle the issues one at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2011
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 11:59am
1. The child lives about an hour and a half away. I think the mom is ok with visitation but I'm not sure. I agree I can't help but wonder what will happen years down the road if the child tries to find his dad. The last time I brought this up DF said he didn't know yet what he was going to do. He seems like he doesn't want to talk about it. His parents r big on being married when having babies and I think he is very ashamed.

2. Everything he does for the ex is for their son but for example we took a family beach vacation and when we got back in town we dropped him off at his moms house. So half way to my house which is a good hour from the ex she calls and says Ohh I need to borrow some shorts for the son bc they r going on a vacation. So DF says Ohh yeah ok no problem ill get them to ya. He doesn't ask her to meet him he had full intentions of driving those shorts to her house the next day. BUT I stepped in and voiced my opinion lol so he txt her and asked her to meet him which still would involve him driving further than her but she wouldn't bc she is so used to bossing him around and he does it.

3. I am the breadwinner and I work lots of hours. I'm trying to get to a point in my life that I can be comfortable. I could possibly afford the karate but I'm trying to pay some stuff off before I add more monthly payments and esp when I don't even know if my son will like karate I mean he's 4. So I decided to wait till basketball or something not so expensive comes around. I didn't mean that DF parents should pay for my child's sports not at all!!! But he is 37 and I'm 29 and I think we should make it on our own. I'm not sure about past sports I think usually everything is split 50/50 between DF and his ex but I'm pretty sure the grandparents paid for the dance classes. In my opinion when it comes to sports if u can afford it then limit the sports to one per school year. DF is currently unemployed and has been since middle of June but he has been working so hard to find another job. He hasnt discussed this much with me either but as far as I can tell his parents r paying his rent. I have bought him groceries and I seen him use a credit card the other day with his dads name on it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 8:38am
Hi Nursemom--

No, I dont think you're being *selfish*----I think you're seeing some legitimate RED FLAGS, and being responsible re: looking at what they are flagging to you, to see how this will play out in the future.......

The "mystery child" thing is just sad, but his decision. (Have you told him simply you're "not comfortable" with such a secret----what was his response?----you're not asking him to change his actions---just stating fact.)

The other two I'm concerned could become REAL old,....rather quickly.

ESPECIALLY the financial one..........

It sounds to me like you're doing (and earning) everything-----what does he do besides take his kid to sports practices? (on your gas?)

FOR ME (and I'm not you)----I would be afraid of building too much resentment to marry into that relationship. I guess that's quite a bit of why I've been Living Together instead of legally married the past 8-9 years............................!

BEST WISHES, and KEEP US POSTED!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 8:39am
PS:
So he told you about mystery son on first date or something, but not his family?

At least he's honest with you.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 9:03am
Yes he knows that I hate secrets. I have tried to make him realize that 18 years from now that kid could show up at his door looking for his father and wanting answers then everyone finds out and could possibly turn their back on him for keeping that secret all these years! Yes he told me the first time we talked that he had 2 kids..I agree he is very honest with me but its still in the back of my mind that if I have kids with this man then it will have a sibling it won't know about.

I know that once DF gets a job he will contribute. The reason he lost his job is totally not his fault. He is a great guy and keeps his apartment and my house clean plus mows my yard. I guess its just because of my past..I feel like I'm headed in the same direction because I paid for my 1st wedding alone and then ended up paying all our married bills alone while he skipped from job to job and school to school and 7 years later my ex is working fast food. That's bc of my own insecurities but I don't think grandparents should pitch in to make sure this kid plays every sport out there. They r always buying him stuff and its more like spoiling him because he don't need all that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 11:20am

The money thing is a tricky issue.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 2:30pm

Welcome to the Board!

First, Laurena and Music have already touched on much of what I am already thinking and would agree on.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2011
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 11:31am

1.

Anna wife to Sam, mom to my 3 sons, and stepmom to Sam's 2 daughters :) Work from home and love it - www.workathomeunited.com/AnnaAbma