Need Advice for 2nd Marriage Prep

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2011
Need Advice for 2nd Marriage Prep
8
Sat, 06-11-2011 - 10:33am

Hi Everyone,

I am thinking about getting married again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 06-12-2011 - 11:15am
Beth454 wrote:

Hi Everyone,

I am thinking about getting married again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 9:06am
Hi Beth---

I agree----IMO, six months is long enough to know that a person is someone you THINK you want to marry (e.g, long enough to weed out the ones you DONT want to marry)----but hold off til at least a full year before making a promise to actually do this..........

My bigger concern, is that he jumped into exclusive relationship with you only 6 months after end of his.......

Regardless, hopefully INkDog will answer your post----she has the name of a book "(the hard questions? I think it's called) that sounds like what you're looking for re: helping you work through questions and issues that might be tricky----------so maybe you can get that book and spend the next 6 plus months working through that.......

Also, reading some books on step parenting or going to step parenting workshop together with DF would be good-------you need to have a plan re: how to handle parenting. Generally, the bioparent should be doing the "parenting" of their own child-----but you need to have similar expectations/house rules for kids, etc. Also sometimes an issue that one child is "fulltime" custody, and other only "visiting" EOW, with more like *guest* privileges------but this is all in the future.

For now, take one day at a time, .......

congratulations ---welcome----BEST WISHES!---and, looking forward to hearing more from you !!
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 1:38pm

Welomce Beth!

I don't know the author of the book either that Pam and Cheryl always recommend, "The Hard Questions."

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 06-13-2011 - 4:11pm
Just wanted to pop in to say the book is The Hard Questions by Susan Piver. It's a great book to get those questions out of the way. Honestly, it can help, but not always. You have to experience things with the person first hand. IMHO, because you have kids, I'd put off wedding plans until the kids have been around one another for over a year. And that doesn't mean only holidays. Also, as someone else posted, it'll be a good time to see how your DBF handles his own kids and yours. Lastly, it'd be good for you two to decide HOW you want to handle each others kids (hands off approach? Full rights to punish? Etc?).

If you don't want to do things off an emotional high, I'd suggest not getting engaged for at least another 6 months to a year. And then have a LONG engagement. OR at least don't do any wedding planning after the engagement for another 6 months to a year. If you're saying, "that's soooooo long" then you're in the emotional high phase.

Remember, the marriage isn't the engagement, the ring, nor the planning. It's what's left after all that is gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-14-2011 - 11:28am

I've thought about this for a while because my 2nd marriage did not work out and I think the biggest problem was that we each made assumptions about thing w/o talking to the other person and then we found out later we had opposite assumptions about how to do things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 3:10pm
I would say date and live separately for at least 2-3 years. You guys can talk about marriage and all, but just date for now, and get some good consistent data on him. 6 months is too early to think marriage I think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2011
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 11:03pm
Beth, take a breath. I agree with the other folks that six months is not long enough. My experience is that men hate to be a loan and need/want a wife so for him their is a natural tendency to jump back into marriage. Sorry to say but he would find someone else if you weren't around. I do not say that to be mean but I have several friends that have experienced the same thing. Also, trust your gut. The reality is that you are posting on a website getting advice from total strangers. That should tell you right there that your gut is telling to be skeptical. Take note of your need to get reassurances from us. You know it is too soon. You know you have questions about whether it is right, so trust your gut and slow down. You can do it without him for now, so give yourself the chance to really get to know him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Sat, 07-02-2011 - 11:58am

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