need advice about child issues....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
need advice about child issues....
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 3:29pm
i have a 3yr old son from a previous relationship (not marriage), this is DH's second marriage and my first.

my child's father is stupid, i'll admit that he is really DUMB, the stuff he does, the way he talks, he'll do something so remarkably stupid that you are embarrassed to hear it, yet he tells you about it anyways (example: doing doughnuts in a pickup truck in the middle of a sod farm, for which the company i work for OWNS, yet he told me about it......................tearing up the transmission in his wife's father's truck numerous times and laughing about it..........getting fired, literally fired, for being stupid, either he doesnt know how to work or he just pretends that he doesnt so he wont have to.....walks into things all the time......the list goes on.......he is one dumb human being, i dont know why i dated him for two years...)

well, DH doesnt realize it, he does it out of joking.........but when DS does something,

that all normal three year olds do............:

puts his shorts on upside down (both legs in one shorts leg), puts his underwear on backwards, trips over something, ........

DH sometimes will say "just like his dad"..........."sure hope he doesnt turn out like his dad"........and i really dont like my child being compared to his father at only 3yrs old, i dont ever want him being compared to his father, nor do i want any predictions about him turning out like just irks me.

and it doesnt help any that DS has this horrble laugh, i will admit that my child laughs like a nerd from the movie "Revenge of The Nerds"......but hey, he's 3yrs old he will grow out of it, as a matter of fact that is his play laugh, when you tickle him he has a totally different normal laugh, so i know the other isnt permanent or anything *lol*

and it gets to me, i havent said anything because i know he means no harm. and it would make him feel really bad if he knew that it hurt my feelings or made me have any ill feelings toward him.

i know for a fact that during these first years is when self esteem and personalities are developed, and i dont want DS to have any lack of self esteem whatsoever, and to me comments like this can be detrimental to a child's self esteem.

so what i need advice on, is how to bring this up to DH without making him think that he's been a bully or anything like should i let him know? how should i even bring it up? because i dont want to wait until the next time he says it, eventually DS will catch on, and that wont be so nice, especially if DS repeats it to his father.

i just want to let DH know, that even though he means no harm, that he is causing harm.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:20pm
Hi Tracey and welcome.

It is painful to see something going on that you know if you don't put a stop to it, it will hurt your child. What strikes me is that you feel uncomfortable going to your DH and in a quiet non-threatening moment just say "I know you really don't mean any harm by it, but this bothers me, and I am afraid it will impact ____ in a negative way. Could you refrain from making that comment now" I think if you communication skills are good, and he does not feel threatened or react with defensiveness, perhaps you could tell him why. Hopefully, he will be respectful enough of your feelings to just do it.

My BF and his entire family, converses through sarcasm. They all believe it is not a harmful way of speaking to someone. Well, it is. And when my BF found out how harmful it can be, especially to children, he stopped. He just hadn't realized because his whole family communicated that way, so he thought it was "normal".

You should have seen (heard) the next family gathering. Four sibling and two parents going at it with the usual mean spiritied sarcasm, and my bf sitting back observing. It really put a new light on his own feelings about his family. What your dh is doing is similar to that. Your child is not "just like anyone else". He is an individual human being, with the same flaws and wonderful imperfections that make us all human.

Pam, who has a nerdy laugh as well, and loves it.