Need advice about second marriage possibility

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2011
Need advice about second marriage possibility
13
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 12:16pm

I never thought I would be doing this again. I have been married once and was on a message board for step parenting. I had a horrible experience with an ex's alienating ex wife and mean step kids; it ruined my relationship. So, after being divorced for years and making a fresh list of what I would want, I found someone great.Yes the man I am with is flawed but so am I. I do not want to be without him but the issues are hard and now I need help.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We have lived together 1 of those 2 years. My very first mistake was living together. I should have kept my independence and worked out with him, how we would do things and what rules we would have before we got married and I shouldn't have moved in until I did this and we first went to pre marital counseling to pan it all out. I also thought that since he had 2 adult daughters living outside of the house that there would be no problems there-wrong again. My boyfriend is kind, generous and we are good companions in every way. But when I moved in, I was treated like I was a renter. It was made very clear this was not my home and his one daughter basically told me it was her childhood home and she would come and go as she pleased. My boyfriend lets his girls dominate his life and he confided too much personal information to them. His daughter would constantly tell me, "my dad tells me everything". His girls are 21 and 24. In a big way it isn't their fault. My boyfriend created no boundries. I feel like he is married to his eldest married daughter sometimes. A lot of that behavior died down but at a lot of my own expense. I didn't get the respect I ask for kindly, I had to kick and scream to be heard. There are better boundries now after a lot of work but it's almost like I have to "act out" to get what I need or demand it. I hate being put in that position. My boyfriend is very controlling of his home. I am sure it is due to the lack of control he felt with living with a cheating alcoholic for 21 years but I am paying the price. He never asked me what I needed to feel like I have a home here. When I have asked for something, the answer is avoided or pushed to the side. He makes huge decisions about the house, like adding on a room to the whole side of the house but he just tells me he is doing it and when. He never asks me how I feel about it or never discusses anything about it with me. After the fact, he will ask me about what colors to paint the walls etc. His eldest daughter will give her suggestions and tell her Dad what he should do. My boyfriend will also ask his daughter and her husband to help with it too and I am the last to know anything. If I try to talk to my boyfriend about it, he just gets angry and rude. He will tell me he isn't going to ask my permission to do stuff in his house. He will also tell me he shouldn't feel guilty for including his family etc. Every time this happens I just turn out the bad guy. I end up feeling like I don't have a home. I get afraid of not having a home and it really triggers issues in me for being an abused child and really not having a home when I was young. I feel like I don't ask for a lot but the problem is: I want to have a married life and a home together but the truth is, I just live here and put myself in a bad position. I don't know what to do now that I am here. I don't know how to be heard or get what I need to feel safe and feel like I have a home.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 12:40pm

So are you now married to this man??

I was married to a man who had four kids and I moved into their house with their lives and all. It was okay and that wasnt the major problem. The problem was my then husband who is

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2011
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 1:15pm

Thank you freeatlas. We are engaged and I know it was a mistake to move into "their" old life and his house before marriage only because I should have set up our life first. I do agree with counseling. He doesn't understand at all why I feel the way I do and when I try to explain, it becomes a fight. Truly I almost feel 1/2 the time he is reacting to me like he would have to his alcoholic ex. He is not healed from that and never really learned to be in a relationship functionally. I do have my own stuff to work on too and i am willing. I think his belief is it should just work if it's right and I don't believe that. If two people have been really hurt before, it makes it hard to come into a new relationship with baggage, kids and "stuff". I hope he and I can work on this because there isn't better than him. Thank you, thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 5:33pm

The house thing is a very touchy issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2011
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 5:53pm

Wow. Getting married is not likely to improve this concern.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2011
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 6:33pm

Is there a reason you cannot move back out of his house until you both work through your concerns?

Buying a new home jointly is a very good idea, although I would not invest in a home in this market with someone I was not

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 8:56am

I agree with the other posters...Your post seems similar to another I just responded to...The "no boundries" with the daughters is clearly a problem as is the fact that they clearly see the house as "theirs" and not yours...What is their relationship with your DFs ex wife?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 3:00pm

Well, you already said it, you wished you would have waited to move in.

Serenity
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 12:31pm

It sounds like you have some very fundamental issues between the two of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 8:00pm

Have the two of you considered counseling? I would not consider marriage until he has more appropriate boundaries with his daughters, is more of an equal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2011
Sat, 07-16-2011 - 9:50am

his daughters are now blaming me for making them feel uncomfortable in their Dads house. I am under a microscope here and every thing I do is judged. They are adults with their own houses and I bend over backwards to do things for everyone. Nothing I do is enough. It is like they want their own life and husbands and their Dad to still pick up the pieces and pay for things they need. I feel like I am here just to make everyone happy they way they dictate or I am judged. I do not notice them asking to see their Dad at their houses or for coffee or anything. But if they decide they want to borrow stuff from their Dad or come over when they are bored my fiance says yes no matter what is going on and if I dont want anyone over that paticular day-I am treated badly; one minute they are saying their Dad should marry me and the next I am making them uncomfortable in their dads home. I am so sorry, I am so hurt right now. I am being accused again of making things uncomfortable because I didnt talk to his daughter enough when she decided to spend the night because after partying she didnt want to sleep on her sisters couch. I didnt perform the way they wanted again and now I am the problem. I have done so much for all of them but no one has cared about me at all or what I need. I am so worn down, Ive been getting horrible migraines and I am not sure i can stay here anymore. I do not feel supported by my fiance living here and it is clear its he and his kids home. Thank you for letting me vent, I am very sad today

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