Need advice about second marriage possibility
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 06-26-2011 - 12:16pm|
I never thought I would be doing this again. I have been married once and was on a message board for step parenting. I had a horrible experience with an ex's alienating ex wife and mean step kids; it ruined my relationship. So, after being divorced for years and making a fresh list of what I would want, I found someone great.Yes the man I am with is flawed but so am I. I do not want to be without him but the issues are hard and now I need help.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We have lived together 1 of those 2 years. My very first mistake was living together. I should have kept my independence and worked out with him, how we would do things and what rules we would have before we got married and I shouldn't have moved in until I did this and we first went to pre marital counseling to pan it all out. I also thought that since he had 2 adult daughters living outside of the house that there would be no problems there-wrong again. My boyfriend is kind, generous and we are good companions in every way. But when I moved in, I was treated like I was a renter. It was made very clear this was not my home and his one daughter basically told me it was her childhood home and she would come and go as she pleased. My boyfriend lets his girls dominate his life and he confided too much personal information to them. His daughter would constantly tell me, "my dad tells me everything". His girls are 21 and 24. In a big way it isn't their fault. My boyfriend created no boundries. I feel like he is married to his eldest married daughter sometimes. A lot of that behavior died down but at a lot of my own expense. I didn't get the respect I ask for kindly, I had to kick and scream to be heard. There are better boundries now after a lot of work but it's almost like I have to "act out" to get what I need or demand it. I hate being put in that position. My boyfriend is very controlling of his home. I am sure it is due to the lack of control he felt with living with a cheating alcoholic for 21 years but I am paying the price. He never asked me what I needed to feel like I have a home here. When I have asked for something, the answer is avoided or pushed to the side. He makes huge decisions about the house, like adding on a room to the whole side of the house but he just tells me he is doing it and when. He never asks me how I feel about it or never discusses anything about it with me. After the fact, he will ask me about what colors to paint the walls etc. His eldest daughter will give her suggestions and tell her Dad what he should do. My boyfriend will also ask his daughter and her husband to help with it too and I am the last to know anything. If I try to talk to my boyfriend about it, he just gets angry and rude. He will tell me he isn't going to ask my permission to do stuff in his house. He will also tell me he shouldn't feel guilty for including his family etc. Every time this happens I just turn out the bad guy. I end up feeling like I don't have a home. I get afraid of not having a home and it really triggers issues in me for being an abused child and really not having a home when I was young. I feel like I don't ask for a lot but the problem is: I want to have a married life and a home together but the truth is, I just live here and put myself in a bad position. I don't know what to do now that I am here. I don't know how to be heard or get what I need to feel safe and feel like I have a home.