Need help with household situation.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Need help with household situation.....
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 1:28pm
I have a situation with my DH and stepdaughter. My stepdaughter (who is over 18) lives with us, along with her sister (who is also over 18). Both of them pretty much do what they want, when they want. They aren't responsible for doing anything around the house at all. DH gives them $$, etc. and whatever other help they may need. OK, that said, here's my problem:

The older sd has guys over the house to stay over and they sleep her in room in her bed.

THey aren't boyfriends, they are "friends." To me, if you are sleeping with someone in a bed, they are a little more than just "friends." In a matter of a year, she has had at least 4 different guys sleep in her room. To me, this is inappropriate and when I tell my DH, of course, he doesn't want to hear about it. There has been once or twice where he says he will speak to her about it, but I don't think that has happened.

The way things work in this house is that he handles the issues, and even if I did say something to her, I would probably get laughed at. One because I am not her BM and that means that she doesn't have to respond to me or listen to me. It has been this way since day one, and DH doesn't stick up for me. He says I should stay out of it, and for the most part, with this issue, I have stayed out of it. I just don't think it is proper for her to do this. Am I off base here? I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to get through to DH about this, because when I talk to him about it, he gets upset.

I just think her behavior is rude, inappropriate and disrespectful. Nevermind her not having any respect for herself. She claims these guys are "just friends" of hers. Well, in my opinion, when they stay over in her room, they are more than just friends. My DH says it doesn't mean that they were doing anything. I told him that I'm not dumb and this is the year 2003 -- I mean DH needs to GET A GRIP!

Any suggestions or advice is appreciated!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 12:16pm
Whew. I think the problem here isn't the daughter having men over (tho that IS a problem as far as I'm concerned) but the fact that you seem to be treated like a second class citizen in your own home. Sorry, it's your home. She needs to follow the rules set by you and your husband. I'd have a talk with DH and put my foot down. I'm not sure that I could live in such an environment, and personally, I'd probably tell DH the daughter's listen to me or leave, or I leave. And I'd stick to it. Of course my way may seem to extreme for some, but I think you are being stepped on here, and it needs to end soon.

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 12:25pm
IMO, DH is perpetuating the disrespect, because he isn't showing you any, either. Stay out of it? Excuse me, it is YOUR home, too, and you get an opinion. I would freak if I had that going on in my home and my DH was that clueless about it.

My own story - I went away to college, and after graduation had no real plans so I moved back in with my parents. Of course, having been away for four years, I had to adjust my lifestyle when I returned home. Out of respect for my parents, I might add. I stayed out late one night, and my mother got very upset with me for not letting her know. I didn't think it was a big deal, but she did. I realized that if I wanted to live independently, it meant moving out of her house. So that is what I did. We are still (twenty years later) very close, and I think that is because of the respect I still have for them as my parents. Yes, I am an adult and can make my own decisions, but I still respect my parents as being older and wiser, and having made many sacrifices for me through out the years.

My point is, there is obvious lack of respect in your home. The daughters seem to have none for their father, or even themselves, and I don't see a whole lot of respect for you from any of them. I think your husband perceives your disagreement as trying to impose your morals on his daughters. (Like that's a bad thing? but apparently he thinks it is.) However, I do not see that you're trying to say that - you are trying to say, this is my home and that type of behavior is offensive to me. She can do it if she wants - I don't care - JUST NOT IN MY HOME. Maybe if you can try to make that point to your DH he will see that you are not trying to change your SDs - you just do not want to run a hotel (putting it nicely) in your home. Take the focus from whether or not their behavior is right or wrong, and put it on the fact that you don't like strangers spending the night in your home.

The more I think about this, the more appalled I am. I'll go hug my mother tonight and thank for raising me better than this.

Avatar for just_chris633
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 5:49pm
Princess. That may be the name you've chosen here but you sure aren't being treated like one at home! I'd be one to come down pretty darn hard on my son if he tried such disrespectful behavior. Hey, you don't have to love me, but you do have to respect me. If not, find the door! And, that'd be for DH as well as the kid! It's time for you to demand some respect in your own home.

Get off the pot and stand up for your own rights and beliefs.

As for my son, well, he's 21 and still living at home, too. He's also about to get himself booted out the door. Not as a consequence of disrespect but as a matter of survival, his! He needs to accept some responsibility for his life. He needs to get off his butt and get busy. Yeah, he's depressed. So what!! So am I and I'm working while being disabled to try to make ends meet.

He's not getting anything at home other than the basics needs, food and shelter. No spending money, no extra little goodies. Well, not from Mom and Sean anyway. He gets that from Grandma. And, what was my response? "Go live with Grandma!" Unfortunately, that won't work due to the housing program she's on because he's over the age of 18. She tried. LOL

Anyway, he's got to live his life without being under Mommie's thumb and your SD's need to live their lives w/o being under Daddy's. Daddy needs to step back and start treating all of you as adults and force them to accept responsibility for their actions. I know, I need to practice what I preach. I'm working on it!