Need help. (Man here)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Need help. (Man here)
7
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 11:41pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 5:08am
Are you truly over the pain of your ex wife's betrayal? For myself there was some thought that i was lacking in some way, that I was defective. If I was this or that way, maybe my husband wouldn't of cheated.... Etc.

I think your fiancé just fears losing you. That you will become the next Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime and you will realize that she's not Barbie and will ditch her to look for Jane Fonda in her prime. Are you obsessive about the gym? Your physique? When she says you are more than all that, I think she is talking about who you are on the inside. Who you are as the man. She fell in love with you as you were, NOT as you are now. She was telling you that you were perfect just the way you were.

Getting healthy is awesome. Hats off to you. Just make sure that the only thing that continues to swell is your muscles, not the head on your shoulders. No girl likes a mirror flexer! Lol

Sounds like you have a wonderful woman. Good for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 6:07am

Hey thanks for responding! I appreciate it immensley...

HA! No I'm no mirror flexer. But I've gone from size 46 waist to 32 waist in a little more than a year. I don't brag about it, nor do I have the physique of AHNOLD! HA!

I'm more like Gerard Butler now. Just toned. Normal. But compared to my past existence, a world's difference. I've never judged women based on their looks. I've been with heavy girls, skinny girls, inbetween girls, I prefer thicker girls but it doesn't matter. I like curves.

But I'm glad you said who I was then, not NOW...I think if I just go to the gym while she works and just don't ever talk about it unless she brings it up things will be ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 9:42am
Hi Sick,
Welcome :)

Either you've got the date (august 2010) wrong, or I'm not understanding something---because if Aug 2010 was when you first found out your wife was cheating on you---you've got WAAAAYYY more than 12 and a half months of activities listed that occurred since then (give her chance.....divorce with kids.......dating...6 months, ...proposal, 1 year, .. weight loss, etc)

But I'll answer anyhow----I agree with the other poster that she liked who YOU were (on the inside) vs your body.........also, if she's always been plumper, in our "thin-obsessed" society, she probaby has always felt not "perfect body" to some degree, and felt more comfortable with you since your body wasnt "perfect" either----for myself, at least, I've been going through something a bit similar----my SO and I have been together 9 plus years, we're in the 50/60 age group. He always had a LITTLE bit of extra weight around middle ---absolutely NOT a "turn off" to me, it was just part of him!---but he started working out more this past year, which is fine, but, honestly......!!-----I LIKE snuggling at night, and ...hah....to be honest---now that he's essentially skin, muscle, bone---ugh! There's no warmth there! And the fact that menopause isnt doing my own body any favors, I can understand how if your SO feels less than thrilled with her own body, having to listen to you talk about your own improved physique and what you've done that day towards it improving more is sort of like feeling more guilty for not jumping in and doing that or more herself to get in better shape also.

But, it's GOOD that you are taking your health seriously--------------so work hard at REASSURING her of your love, and SHOWING your love in other ways............and just keep your healthy routine as it is.......maybe she'll come with you some

ALSO----if all of these things (starting with exW's cheating) really DID just start august 2010-------then that's another whole issue to address-------it would REALLY be wise to step back, and be "single" for a year or more before jumping into another marriage..............

Gotta run for now, but:

BEST WISHES and looking forward to hearing more from you soon !


PS:
Re; you doing all of these wonderful things and being the great guy----that is good,....FWIW, there ARE some people in this workd, who feel so insecure, that they cant "accept" that someone would be that good to them, and self sabotague (spell?) a good relationship once they get into one.....but I really dont know that's what's going on there at all, either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 10:37am

I do think there is some insecurity there--maybe she is insecure about her looks or body and figured that when you were overweight, she had the upper hand and now that you have lost so much weight & gotten very fit, she is wondering if you are going to go off w/ one of the fit girls in the gym.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 1:50pm

I am also curious about the dates.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 11:56pm

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 1:41pm
Glad to hear things are working out. And pleased to hear it has been two years, and not one!

I think knowing she is welcome to go to the gym if she chooses to will help. She may or may not stick with it, but at least the mystery will be gone and she can decide either way.

Please feel free to stick around!
Serenity